Hi, I am very new to this, but I have just had my 2nd Eptopic which they both had to be removed with surgery, I have had a miscarriage earlier in the year which they also though was an eptopic. I am 26 and I don't know how to cope, it was hard having all the pregnancy symptons to be told that it wasn't in the right place again. My Husband and I have been trying for 3years. I thought I was coping ok, but today is the day a month on that I was told it was eptopic, and am finding today very hard. Doesn't help that all my friends are having babies, with my best friend due 2 weeks before I would have been. Am trying so hard to be strong but am just not coping. Sometimes I feel like it wasn't really there so I shouldn't feel sad, but you don't get to 10weeks not getting excited about it. Just wish I had someone to talk to.

I am so sorry for your loss I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy - and of all the losses, the ectopic hurt me the most...

I found out I was pregnant, then got my period - so presumed I had had a chemical pregnancy - but then I got another positive test a few days later and went for an ultrasound - and there was nothing there, so they said my dates must have been out, but I knew they weren't. Over the next 4 weeks I had blood tests and ultrasounds - ultrasounds continued to be 'empty', and blood tests never went up like they should. Eventually I had to go up to the hospital for an injection because I'd had more spotting, and they decided that something was indeed very off, and I had more tests etc - and eventually the doctor decided I needed exploratory surgery because the baby was obviously somewhere BUT my uterus... They located my ectopic in one of my fallopian tubes and it needed to be removed...

Afterward people told me not to be sad because the baby 'had no chance' and that the baby 'hadn't even developed properly'.. for some reason people thought these factors meant I shouldn't grieve for my loss. But I did grieve.. for a LONG time.. I missed that baby so much... I hated that it had happened to *me*, I couldn't help but think 'what if' all the time - especially up until my EDD.. thinking how pregnant I'd be, how big I'd be, the exciting milestones happening at that time...

I know how hard it is.. and you are entitled to miss your baby, and to grieve... don't let anyone tell you you CAN'T...

I am so sorry that you have lost another precious baby, because no matter how far along you were that is what you have lost, no matter what other people may say.

You have every right to feel sad and to grieve. I never understood until I had my angels is how much you really lose. You lose so many hopes and dreams and that is part of what people cannot understand.

Trying for 3 years just makes the pain so much more acute. I suffered from secondary infertility and I really struggled as I din't feel that I could really get much help. It wasn't that I couldn't get pregnant - I could - it just took months. It wasn't that I'd had that many miscarriages (although one was more than enough). But combining the months it took to fall pregnant with losing my angels was really hard. I was lucky enough to already have my son and I became very aware that he might just have been our lucky miracle. I can only imagine how much harder it would be if you don't have that to fall back on.

In addition, I think ectopics bring even more issues into the mix, leaving even more to deal with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have a lot to deal with and you don't have to be strong. Give yourself permission to just be kind to yourself, you'll be amazed at how you can pick yourself up when you need to, but that isn't yet.

Big hugs

Thanks guys for the words of wisdom. It has been really trying at the moment as all my friends are having babies (found out yesterday another one is preggos) feels a bit hard as 2 of them are due the same time I would have been. In saying that at least I have my daughter who is 5, which it does make us appreciate her all that much, just feel bad as my Husband (who is not my daughters real dad) has no kids and really really wants one, and although he loves my daughter with everything he has, and he is ok with not having one, I still feel bad. And it feels like the Drs don't want to know about it since I am still so young, went to one yesterday as a post op appointment, who seemed more concerned with getting me out the door. It shouldn't matter that I am young, it scares the crap out of me that my next pregnancy will probably be an eptopic, and I hate the hope that it brings, I wish they had just removed the tube, like they had to with the first one, I feel like no hope is better than every month hoping against hope for it to be shattered, or to start getting excited to be told ah sorry its in the tube again. Makes me wanna scream!

I'm so sorry for your loss
I have had two ectopics, resulting in the loss of a tube, but then went on to have two more babies naturally despite being told I had secondary infertility and PCOS and that IVF was my only hope. My daughter was almost 7 by the time we had a sibling for her after almost 4 years of trying and two losses.
I was young as well - 25 when I had the first ectopic.

I know how you feel about the fear every time you get pregnant - so they removed the tube with the first ectopic and then the next one was in the other tube?

My 1st ep was hanging off the tube so they didn't remove it. Then my 2nd was in the same tube so they decided to take it and told me there was quite a lot of scarring and adhesions from the previous one

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk and take care

Hi Lainy babe
I haven't had an ectopic, but just wanted to say how truly sorry I am for your loss. 10 weeks is a long time to be pregnant, I know how invested you get in bubs, and all the hopes and dreams that just dominate your thinking even at that early age and stage. I'm really sorry your precious baby didn't make it.
Having preggy friends when you miscarry sucks bigtime. Both of my later miscarriages I had close friends due within a week of when I should have been and it was really really hard. Every time I saw them I'd go home and cry and cry and cry. Give yourself permission to not see them so much, and give yourself the space you need to grieve without feeling like you're just getting your face rubbed in it. and feel free to vent on here when it all gets too much.
Both times I got a mutual friend to pass on how I was feeling and that although I was thrilled and excited for them it also just reminded me constantly of what I'd lost and I needed a bit of space to grieve.That made it easier, in that my pulling back from our friendship(s) for a while was understood and supported. For both these miscarriages, it was the time I should have been pregnant that was the hardest with my friends. As my healing went on I was able to initiate contact little by little. And now I can be round them and their kids and in a funny way it almost brings me a bit of healing....I can look at Josh and think 'Jimmy would be as big as you now', and its not sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is pull back a bit and give yourself the space to grieve, but know that its your pregnant time that will be the hardest, after your due date won't be so bad. You'll get through it, just go day by day. And your friends will still be there for you with open and living arms.

lots of love lainybabe, take care xx

Hi Lainy babe,
Just want to say that my thoughts are with you during this hard time. I miscarried the week before Xmas, also at 10 wks (although not ectopic, was a missed miscarriage) and am still struggling to cope. Some days I'm okay, other days I just want to stay in bed and cuddle with my dog (my fur-baby).

I agree with Tessiebears thoughts re: coping with pregnant friends. Sometimes you need a bit of distance till you can emotionally cope. I have two friends and a niece who are all within days of where I would have been and I've just had to limited interactions with them at the moment. My other friends are also good at screening the conversations and know that I'll ask for details when I can cope with talking about them. It feels a bit harsh but helps me cope on those bad days.

Hi thank you all so much for the support. Yea Sarahjay, I have the one tube which is scarred. The first tube that I lost I was very lucky not to have lost my life (I was 12 weeks and had started bleeding into my pelvis) which of course resulted in the removal of it. So this eptopic was in the other tube, and I also had a miscarriage earlier in the year which they thought was also in the tube as there wasn't any pregnancy sack in the uterus (and I was bleeding and there was no blood in the uterus with the ultrasound) they say that y body had aborted it and my tube absorbed it, (which is freeken painful I might add) I think what I find hard was i thought it was healthy as I was getting strong pregnancy morning sickness, heartburn, tired so you kinda get your hopes up, but I knew something was amiss when they symptoms started going away and next thing you know I am in hospital, surgary etc, didn't even have time to breathe really. But thanks so much for the advice about the pregnant friends, I guess I am lucky that they are really understanding as they havent been rubbing it in my face, they only really ring when they have scans or something important, both are first time mums so they are really excited.
I am a pretty strong person, and today is the day that they actually removed the baby but i am not feeling all that bad today, i am sure that it will come and go, but I would like to say thank you to all of you have replied, you have all put it into perspective for me, that and it is really nice to talk to people who have been through what I am going through, really glad I joined so thank you all very much!

Lainy - I just wanted to say that if your doctor isn't really taking you seriously then you have a right to insist on better care. I know you probably don't feel like it right now, but maybe a bit further down the track you will. Unfortunately in so many cases of baby loss the only way to get the car that you should is to be a "squeaky wheel" and make it clear that you won't just go away. If you have health insurance could you see a specialist privately? If not, insist on a referral to the public system. A good surgeon may be able to do a laparoscopy to reduce scarring and reduce your risk of a recurrence.

Everyone has said it so beautifully, I don't have much to add. Just wanted to lend my agreement to Atlanta's post. After you've had one ectopic, your risk of another soars to 1:10. I actually find it shocking that your symptoms weren't taken more seriously, given you almost lost your own life to the first ectopic. I had an ectopic, spotted at 5.5 weeks by my fertility specialist. Because I'd had lunch, I was booked in for 7am the next morning for the lap. They treated it like an impending emergency even though I'd had no symptoms and it was very early on.

You've been through several incredibly traumatic experiences - loosing a baby is heartbreaking. Add to that the insult to your fertility, and then add to that the risk to your life. Quite frankly I would think you were a bit crazy if you weren't getting speed wobbles. Be gentle with yourself. There is no timetable for grieving or recovering from trauma. Just forgive yourself the flashes of envy and resentment for those fecund friends of yours. I used to struggle with those emotions - they felt shameful to me. In actual fact it's perfectly normal to need a bit of space for yourself.

Lastly, and respectful of your resent loss of a precious baby, I think you really need to consider seeing a specialist in obstetrics and fertility. You may qualify for publically funded fertility treatment. At the very least an oppinion on your remaining fallopian tube - it's not just your future baby, but your life at stake. Please do what Atlanta suggested and be the squeaky wheel.

Lastly I'm so sorry for those two precious babies you lost. Devastating.

Kia kaha

Thank you so much guys for all the words of wisdom. My husband and I have decided to go see a fertility specialist next month when I can get an appointment, am going to see what we can do about IVF, don't really want to risk another eptopic.

But what I really wanted to say was, I think this website is AWESOME!!! It give us woman a chance to talk to other woman who have been through the same thing a voice, I only wish that it wasn't so hush hush all the time. I am very sorry to all those that have lost a little angel, but am grateful for all the wonderful advice you lovely ladies have given.

Am hoping that other woman visit this site as there are lots of us that "suffer in silence". Wish society wasn't that way, but don't think it will change in a hurry either.

Am very grateful to all you who have posted, you have all gotten me through a dark time in my life, so thank you very much.