I dont want to come across as unhappy or whining but sometimes I feel soo disillusioned as a mother. I feel like no matter how hard I try I cant do a good job with my children as they are never satisfied or happy. I feel that in the big picture they are lucky as although we have very little money we spend a lot of quality time together (I only work 3 days a week so they get at least 4 days of me being at home and even on days I work if I work a PM shift we will often do something like go swimming together in the morning so they have still had some nice time with me). We frequently do things like go to the beach together or to a park or take their scooters out to ride on and run about and I often sit on the ground with them to actively play and interact with them / do a puzzle etc and spend time doing things like baking or letting them help with dinner. But they seem to constantly feel like they are hard done by.

But seriously how do I win? I don't want to spoil them and definalty wont tolerate bad behaviour and don't want to laden them with things like sweets all of the time to win their affection but even then sometimes it feels hard as I know when they go to their fathers ever second weekend they get pretty spoilt with lollies and chipies and lots of toys that I would have no way of affording and I feel like my house must be such a let down after being there

How DO you win as a parent? get the right balance of doing what is right for your children and keeping them happy and coping etc?

Awww Pussinboots, that's so hard I remember coming home from a holiday at my Dad's house and saying to my mum - at Dad's house he gives us this, at Dad's house we get that. My poor mum. I cringe now when I think of it.

It sounds like you're doing an awesome job. If you think they're ungrateful maybe it's time to strip things down to basics until they start appreciating what they have. I see they're still quite little too, so some of that behaviour they'll grow out of when they grow up a bit and develop some empathy and understanding.

In the meantime try and give yourself a pep talk and when it gets rough remind yourself that you're doing the best you can and that you're a good mum.

I don't have the answers but I think (hope) you win once they are older and look back at your imput with more adult eyes. You're laying down the long term stuff that will teach them to be great mums and great adults.

FWIW dh is "fun dad" in our house too and I get more of the "mean-mum" label because I'm often home more to lay the law down more iykwim.

Oh I'm definitely 'mean mum' too!

Oh hugs Puss. You are doing an amazing job, but kids really don't appreciate that till they are older. Don't feel like you need to do more than you are, just keep loving them and guiding them and being the stable, even, safe place you are xxx

Awwww Puss

I have read your many posts on our MTB PM and from what I can gather you are doing an absolutely awesome job of bringing up your girls and I am constantly amazed at how much you do with them when working and being a solo parent as well.

I know you've had a lot on your plate lately but hang in there . Your ex might be lavishing the girls with everything that money can buy but I betcha in a few years they will look back on it and remember all of the things they did with you rather than the gifts their father threw at them.

ITA! Hang in there, from what I have read I think your an awesome Mother

I was going to say the same, I'm sure when they are older they will appreciate that stuff is just stuff, but that love and time and attention are far more important!

Sounds like you are doing an awesome job of being a loving and involved parent!

It's an age thing. I deal with the 'fun' parent too.

But I just continue to parent as I would have if we were still together. Boundaries, manners, routines, saying no, etc.

Just the same ground work, just slightly harder

Stick with it, just remember you are a good Mum and it'll all be okay in the end and some days are rubbish, but there's always a new day in the morning.

I am not a solo parent myself but I find that my kids seem to get quite whingy and act like they are the most hard done by children in the world. It's like no matter what I do or what opportunities we give them.

You are doing an awesome job and in the future your children will realise what you did for them.

My parents did some cool stuff with us as teenagers and soon it's Mums 60th and I have to write something and although we were pretty privileged what sticks with me is that she was there. We could always go to her when we needed to and she still is. That's what is real and what counts. Mum gave us the best of herself and I think that is totally what matters and it's what has influenced me hugely.

Read this, PIB, it helped me. It's OK not to enjoy every moment of being with your kids.

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Fad toys and treats come and go, but as they get older they will appreciate that you were the one that was consistent and loving and gave them time, even if you weren't able to give them the treats.

I grew up with me and mum till i was 7, i don't ever remember her playing on the floor with me, playing a game, or taking me ANYWHERE, but i do remember her getting the pastor of the church in to smack me all the time
The only great thing i remember is my red panda bike

Your children (if they have great memories, take heaps of photos of you guys doing the fun stuff) will remember all those fun things you do, like the swimming and you getting down playing on the floor and going to the park and scooter rides, sounds to me like they have some fun stuff like scooters and games etc.


Anyways off track here...i don't remember all the lollies etc i got, well i don't think i got any, but i remember the things my mum did, well in her case didn't do, so by the sounds of it, you kids are going to have wonderful memories of the fun things you do with them
And when they are older and past the teenage years they will be thankful for everything you did, coz right now or 10 years down the track they still won't realise that you did it to make them better people.

sounds like you doing a FAB job, its not easy being a single parent

I agree with the others, kids don't appreciate it at the time. But if it's gone they soon know about it! And lollies and toys don't make happy kids, being with Mum one on one does. They will appreciate it so much when they look back and remember all the things you did with them/ for them. I enjoy sitting down with DD sometimes and looking through old videos and photos so she remembers all the good times fresher (I know I recall situations better from when I was little when I have had photos to look at). You are an awesome Mum that you stop to think about how much you are "giving" your kids though (in the way of time etc), that shows how sincere and caring you are as a Mum.

My DD thinks she's hard done by and often (most days) says she hates me and wants to go live with someone else. Nek minnit, it's all "you're the best Mum" etc. But they don't know what they've got til they experience what others have and often we have to be adults before we realise how good we had it.

That is a cool link. I am with her on the enjoying putting them into bed. Maybe I put too higher expectation on myself as a parent as I feel guilty if I shout at them or get grumpy and worry that that will be the overwhelming memory of me as a mother.

I feel like if I grump at them it surely wipes out all of the giggles we have together. I really hope not.

See I guess for me THAT is a constant worry that they will turn around and say they want to live with my Ex. That would break my heart and is a constant source of worry to me. But I guess I cant control that no matter how hard I try.

And then there are days where I think [***] go and live with him! But that is such a momentary thought.

it sounds like you are doing an amazing job i think thats just kids being kids. they dont understand and wont until they are older and can have their own kids a lot of the time! its a thankless job being a mum..i remember going to my dads and being spoiled rotten then going home to mums and it being all normal life. dad was the fun one in my eyes..but now i look up to my mum SO much now i can see what she must have been going through.. and now im a mum its the same..im home with DD all day long. and dont get me wrong i love it and wouldnt change it for the world (well, sometimes i would, but im only human lol) and Dad comes home, and im pretty much forgotten..oh, unless she gets hungry or needs something. other than that her Dada is the favourite. and i love that for her, seeing as i grew up without a dad in my home every day, but i do feel sad for me as sometimes i do wonder what i could do to be more "fun" or better in some way, like what i do isnt enough. we have just got back from a month in auckland staying with family, and for the last 2 weeks of that month i literally didnt get a single cuddle from my own daughter she would much rather be with her "fun" aunties etc. and my DD is only 12 months old! so i know she isnt "choosing" other people over me, but it still made me feel pretty crap so i do understand where you are coming from. all i can say is you arent alone! and one day your kiddies will be able to tell you you are the best mummy in the world until then, hang in there and just keep loving them as you are now. and dont forget to get out and do little things for yourself too, because you are important as well! x x x

Hugs hon. I remember feeling just like you do now.

Without trying to sound overly simplistic, maybe it is an age and stage thing. When my elder two were younger, they went through a very discontented phase where we both felt as if no metter how hard we tried, we were failing to meet expectations. And I am NOT talking materialistically either. My kids have never had a Playstation, Wii or the like. Up until recntly, the only telly we had in the house was a 14 inch.

I look at all 3 of mine now 20, 17 and almost 12, and think wow, what amazing (little, and not so little) people. we have done a Goooood job. And it's not just us who think so. People who meet hem casually/socially will comment on what lovely kids they are, and we are constantly getting feedback from teachers. And, whats more, I have had thanks from my 20 year old recently as to my input as a SAHM and the wonderful days and special times she will treasure always.

It may seem like the hard yards now hon, but you WILL get your reward.

HANG ON IN !!!!! You are doing a GREAT job

No way, no way at all.

Even as a teacher me being all Mrs Grumparse mc growl pants doesn't stop the kids from liking (and loving even) me. Because they KNOW that I care about them, and they KNOW deep down that the stuff I do is because I care about them and they need to learn. So that is magnigfied even more when it is a parent, cos I am just a teacher!

Well, it's a possibility they may want to, but it's under your control too isn't it? You get to have a say where they live til they are much older? When they are older they will appreciate it more too. You're doing what's right for them, giving them what they NEED, rather than just what they WANT and that's key no matter what could happen. Cos then you can go to bed at night and KNOW you did the best by your kids. It's only human to yell and be grouchy at your kids, I beat myself about doing that too but you know you love them (and they know it too cos you spend lots of time with them). We can all only do the best we can with what we've got.

Children need to see all aspects of human emotions, and children need boundaries, and discipline. Through boundaries and "grumping" if they cross the line, demonstrates love, as F has said.

Don't sweat THAT AT ALL !