I split with DD's dad a while back, a mutual decision between both of us and I did tell him that there would be a possibility of me seeing another guy. I have started seeing this new guy and my DD loves him, talks about him all the time etc in front of her dad.

This guy and I will be moving in together at the end of February and my DD will be there. How do I get them being comfortable with each other? They have spent days together and she trusts him. I don't think there will be any problems with that, but how do I make it a smooth transition for them both??

TIA

Congrats on your new relationship! I have no personal experience, but have read a fair bit around the topic. From what I have read there are some very definite things to think about. Firstly, the role of your new partner in your DD's life, is not the same as a parent. Most issues with step parents happen with the step parent takes on parenting role. So this means things like discipline etc will need to be well thought out prior to getting into the situation.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10760892
was an arrticle late last year that I read that I could relate to immediately, in terms of what I have seen in the cchildren I have taught. A good place to start when thinking about how you will set things up.

Somehelinmimie helpful:

http://www.kiwifamilies.co.nz/Topics/Parenting/Special+Parents/Step+Parents.html
http://www.kiwifamilies.co.nz/Topics/Parenting/Single+Parents/Your+Kid+Gets+Up+My+Nose.html

Good luck!

Thank you for that! Will have a read through them.

Yeah, it's going to take some adjusting on all parts, watch this space.

When I moved in with DH, we just talked to DS1 about it, asked him what he thought. We made him part of the decision making process, we explained to him that nothing would change dramatically, it would just mean that there would be 3 of us living in the house, and we would be doing things together. I also made it very clear to him that the two of us would still do stuff together without DH.

It was a pretty smooth transition, there were a few teething problems, but nothing that impacted on my relationship with DS.

I was still the one that did the disciplining, it probably took about a year before a stepped aside and let DH step up.. but that was more from me trying to adjust to having him living with us. It was quite hard for me to let go in that respect.

DH and DS have an interesting relationship now. It's more one of mutual respect and after 12years together, they are definitely more mates than stepfather/stepson.

Good luck hope it all goes well for all of you.

Thank you Mel.

I have been talking with DD about it all and trying to keep it light hearted whilst increasing the time DD and my new partner spend with each other. I talk to her about the things that we can do together and she seems to be ok about it all.

If you are in a realationship, you are entitled to some free counseling sessions through the Family Court - not sure if it applies in this situation, but it may do. The counsellor may have some good ideas and tools to help with the transition. Skylight might be worth a look too.

Good luck, and congrats

yeah, similar here. dh had known ds since he was about 2.5, been hanging around him regularly for about 6 months before he moved in. i talked about it with ds who was really positive, of course, i never would have let it happen if he wasn't on board. i've always been clear about the fact that ds is treated as if he is dh's, ITMS, there isn't any difference in the way that dh treats him and the other kids, we are a package deal. dh hasn't complained and has stepped up since day dot.

they struggle at times i think... ds is more like me, imaginative and creative, and dh is more mechanical/practical so dh often says he just doesn't 'get' ds. i've come up with things they could do together but dh isn't really the trying kind.. but then he is like that with all of them, i guess? they also struggle because ds can be all over the place and it can be a bit grating at times, esp if you're not used to it IYKWIM. i've found that the best way to throw them together is to do stuff as a family or, with the three of us, we have started playing some board games before bed a few nights a week, ds is really enjoying that - we all are. sounds super dorky but just things that are short and appealing to all of us.

i do the discipline stuff, but again, that happens across the board because i am home most of the time with all of them. dh has started to do it a bit more in the last year though, which i'm pleased about, it shows he's starting to feel a bit more comfortable in their relationship.

before dh moved in we talked heaps, both to each other and ds - AND my ex - about how dh had no intention of being ds's 'dad' (since he already has one of those, no matter how dippy he is), but is 'like' a dad. he's never had any intention of taking over but i DO demand that he be respected, as he bloody well should be, since he does far more to support ds than his actual father does

in time, i hope that they'll become closer and their relationship will be more like mels dh and her ds, but in the meantime i am pretty happy with how things are.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

DD spent an hour on her own with my new partner, and they seemed to be ok after it, thankfully DD is quite an easy going kid, just feed her and she is happy! LOL

My DD asked DP to move in with us! We were driving along in the car and she just blurted out! So she was obviously comfortable with it! We'd been going out for over a year luckily (not 5 minutes lol!)

He moved into our place so there was no changes for her really and I made all the parenting decisions. As the years have gone on they'd had their moments... mainly because he's started to take on more of a dad role (especially since DS came along) but he used to sometimes make weird decisions or is TOO harsh and she can wind him up with her teenage girly attitude



but he's also learned there is times it needs to be earned