So, I'd pretty much decided that I was in a good place about everything, coming to terms with it all and almost coming to terms with that we might not be able to have another baby.

Then this morning a woman I know announced to a group of us via email that she's six weeks pregnant with number 3. I SO ENVY her her innocence. I've done all the congratulations thing back, and it's not like I would wish what we've been through on anyone, but.... I'd love to feel the joy she obviously does at another pregnancy, instead of the fear and sense of inevitability that we do.

So, am having a bit of a teary morning.

How does anyone else feel when they hear about other people's pregnancies - especially early on? How do you deal with it?

MillyP

We all know the heart wrenching feelings of despair and sadness when someone announces a new pregnancy or birth when that is the one thing in life that we are striving for and want more than anything else. Yes we understand that you do not wish m/c or harm to anyone else, but the wounds are open and raw from the hurts and losses in your life. You have done all you need to by sending back congratulations and it was probably easier sending and email than talking face to face the your friend. Sometimes I have has practiced responses so I can just respond without having to think about all the emotions and feelings that go along with news like this.
Yes we all wish that we could have the innocence and joy of having a stress free pregnancy but that is not possible, I had always thought that if I get past the first 6-7 weeks and see a heartbeat than the baby would be OK. But that dream was destroyed along with my last m/c at 10 1/2 weeks, now I know that any pregnancy is not going to be stress free until the beautiful baby is held in my arms. Oh the innocence of the "lucky few".

Millyp...it's so hard isn't it. I'm the same as Vicky lee. I gave practiced responses to things like pg announcements & people asking about when we are going to have kids!

Unless you've been through the heartbreak of MC you just can't understand. I totally understand your envy & the horrible feeling that your back to square one when you thought you were doing ok.

In the past I've just managed to smile & congratulate people how announce pg & even ask a few questions. & then when I'm alone I vent at the universe and say why can't that be me feeling so happy & naive about MCs?? Then once I've calmed down a bit I tell DH how I'm feeling. It really helps.

This business is so unfair! Take care hun & I hope you break through the gloom soon

Hi MillyP
Another who gets how you feel
i still get really angry (privately) when friends announce they are pregnant, especially when its early. I feel like saying to them 'don't you know what can go wrong? how dare you be so happy and act as if its a given?'
Now, a few months after my last m/c, i've noticed a pattern in my response. I have got to a place where - at first announcement anyway - I am genuinely really happy for them and thrilled and excited. But then the next day I find I'm just really off....flat and depressed and not myself at all. Then the anger comes and with it a good amount of the not-fairs-how-dare-they-have-it-so-easy-why-can't-that-be-me. And I'll be honest in having wished a number of times that friends would miscarry so they could understand not only what its like, but to not ever take being pregnant for granted. In reality that is the last thing I want that for them, I would never seriously wish this journey on anyone. Its just my hurt rearing its head again, and not the truth at all.

I guess I cope with it like the OP's....as genuine response as I can manage at the time, and then when the flat/angry day kicks in I try to have a good cry ( I find reading the book "Mummy please don't cry, there are no tears in heaven" really good for getting the waterworks flowing ), do some journalling, try and do something nice for me like buying some flowers, and have a good unload on DH when he gets home.

Its tough, but I've learnt not to beat myself up for the crappy ugly feelings that m/c seems to leave you with.

Oh dear I sadly feel under qualified to add something here. I look at the strength of you ladies and the way you respond after more than just the one loss yet sometimes I am a basketcase with just the one.

MillyP, I rely very strongly on my auto response. I say it to myself when I see bumps, hear news and when I feel sad about it being someone else's turn and not my own. Some days the response makes me feel better, and others not so much.

A few months ago an old friend, but not one who knows about my mc, sent me a text then announced on facebook that she was 4 wks pregnant. I didn't have the why you not me reaction but the one where I wondered what she would do if she had to un-tell people. But for her, she'd be trying a while and I think the excitement just overtook her.

Most people are good people and I don't think our friends would do anything to deliberatly hurt you. It just might not occur to some people that their exciting news might not be as joyous for others.

I think it's so sad that when you loose a baby you loose (some of) the innocence and joy they are supposed to bring is lost too.

Depending on how close you are to the MTB, maybe it's worth taking a quiet moment with her some time to let her know how much you wish it was your turn and how sad it makes you that it's not. Hard as it is some times a little face to face honesty can help.

And when you can't face being strong or happy on the outside, that what DH is for. And us.

I hope you have had a good cry and that soon you will have some good news of your own.

Big hugs.

Hi MillyP

It must be a day for it today. I also have had a bit of a rough day a combination of starting to try for another baby AGAIN and getting back into the usual routine with DS starting back at kindy after the holidays.

To be fair I don't think I really grieved the last m/c as I just tried to get on and enjoy my holiday and it's hitting me now.

I would never wish this horrible journey on anyone but I do think it has taught me a few things, inparticular about grief and how it seems to have a habit of catching up with you when you start to think you have dealt with everything and are doing ok.

I definitely struggle with pregnancy news particularly the "we weren't even trying/didn't really want a baby" news. I smile, congratulate and then usually go away to hide and cry.

I also learnt that I had to grieve the loss of the innocence and joy finding out you are pregnant should bring.

Hugs to you, hopefully tomorrow with a better day!

Oh Milly - it's impossibly hard isn't it.
I have lost count of the number of friends announcing their pregnant early and being so innocent about it, they never imagine the things that can go wrong.
I always try to be happy for them and say congratulations and then DH gets to hear me vent at home. Mind you lately DH's venting has been just as good as mine.

I remember being really upset during my last pregnancy when my first lot of HCG's came back low and both my brother (who's wife is currently pregnant) and my sister (who had a baby in July) asked what an HCG was. What I would do not to know what HCG's are, not to have my blood taken every 3 days and track the results and have scans every week while crossing everything and hoping this time it works.

Take care

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your words. I've realised that I'm probably similar to you, Cal77, and it's partly starting to try again that hasn't helped. But, am trying to focus on looking ahead and not think to hard about what might have been. As well, my friend's due date is 2 days after my 40th birthday, which really feels like a milestone in terms of this journey.

Vicki Lee, I know what you mean about getting past the 6-7 week mark, that was what we had all our hopes pinned on with our third try, scans weekly to 9 weeks and to then be in our 11 week appt with our midwife and she couldn't find a heartbeat. A month later, we were pregnant again, and lost that one at 4 1/2 weeks. Seems like we're working our way through all the options on early loss.

Sweetp, I hear you about HCG. I had to explain to a (biology teacher) family member what progesterone was... but could then hold a detailed conversation about it with my pharmacist cousin that left everyone else looking very blank. As my mum said, just think of everything we've learned through this. Think I could happily have lived without knowing most of it

Thanks so much everyone. I hope you're all doing okay too, and having a good week.