I was asked by the hospital on a number of occasions if i wasnted to keep the baby and i said no i didnt. this was when i was in hospital. They kept asking if i was sure because of the way i reacted when i saw my precious little ange. (i screamed and screamed and cried and then fainted!- never thought i would be that way..).
was telling one of the mum at the daycare i work that i think i might have changed my mind and feel terrible because it has been 3 weeks and they prob got rid of baby! and so she rung the hospital for me when i asked her and when i spoke to them they said that if i said no so many times they may not have baby anymore..
and then yesterday afternoon the hospital rung to say they have a box in the morgue for me if i want to come pick it up! i said i would but cried out of relief i think! i was just so glad that they have something for me, even if its just the placenta. It is a huge step in my grieving! so tomorrow...my husband and i will go and pick our little box up and decide where to go from there...any ideas?

I feel it is a good decision (although i have had people tell me its morbid and that is gross!!- unbelievable..it's my baby!)
sorry for the rant, needed to vent a little..hope everyone is keeping well
any feedback would be awesome :-)
xxx

Clare, good on you for taking this step. After my last miscarriage I was undecided when I was asked at the hospital and so the nurse put down to call me when the baby was ready to pick up (I didn't hear from them but they had contacted my doctor who let me know). I was really unsure if I could do it, but I realized I needed to be the person who did this as I needed to know where my baby was.

I wasnt expecting a plain brown box (I don't know what I did expect). And having to ask them for the 'package' was so so hard and keeping control of myself was difficult. I cried all the way home. I decided to bury my baby in our garden. We placed her in the vegetable garden and planted a parsley plant (apparently a fertility omen if given to you by someone else).

It isn't gross, it's your baby, it's a little person. You are entitled to bury them and mourn for them just like any other person.

I hope this helps in some way.

I think its lovely that you're able to bring your baby home ! don't listen anyone that thinks its gross or morbid ! I't could be nice to bury it (I want to say her or him but don't know the sex, sorry feel bad for referring to your baby as "it") under a beautiful tree or plant a tree especially ?

Thank you MrsKD and Jay_M! I have been encouraged :-)
I have been thinking that we dont own our house or any land and so i would be devastated if we had to move and so have decided maybe the best thing is a plant pot???like a really large one with a tree so that we can take the plant with us?? still thinking MrsKD, its ok, i know sometimes i say it and then feel guilty...and thank you Jay_M for preparing me for the "plain brown box"..i sometimes imagine a floral little pretty decorated box and everyone at the hospital just waiting for me to pick baby up...btu i know it will be just another day for the man in the morgue *sigh*...wait, then what happens when i get home? freezer...hmmm what did you do?

Thanx for the responce

Hi Clare, and best of luck for your difficult day tomorrow.

We had our baby cremated, and I can recall alternatively bawling and feeling sick to the stomach for the whole (2.5 hr) drive to the crematorium to collect the ashes, and again on the way home, at the unfairness of bringing my baby home in a box instead of in a carseat.

We have the ashes with us still, on a shelf next to a photo from our 12w scan and a memory candle. I keep meaning to upgrade the container but we haven't gotten around to it yet (5 1/2 years later) as the funeral homes packaging isn't too bad (plastic mini ice-cream carton type thing, but in a pretty silver gift bag with a teddy bear and a swing tag with his name on it).

My husband did/does not want to part with the ashes (I had wanted to bury them) so we have planted a fern tree for our baby in our garden, with a name-plaque placed against the trunk (the free ones from SANDS).

Several of my friends have been in your position and have buried their baby in a pot plant as your have suggested, you just need to make sure it is a really big planter box, cos the last thing you want is having to smash it open and move it if it grows too much and gets root-bound.

Thinking of you for tomorrow

Good luck tomorrow Clare, you might find it a really difficult day or strangely peaceful, you just never know how these things go, but I hope you find it healing.

I was thinking you can ask for the remains of the baby to be cremated so you have the ashes to do something symbolic with if you liked, the only worry re planting in a pot is that if you ever had to repot something your likely to find remains of the baby still in the pot as a plant doesn't compost the remains (sorry I just didn't know how to put that nicely) and that would be terrible devastating.

In Australia I was unable to get Faith's remains as there was a whole drama about saftey because of the way she was stored, being released to the family....so we decided to go into one of Australias HUGE native bushes and plant a NZ tree in the middle (marked by GPS and a tree you could buy in Australia so not introducing some foreign species) But it was something that we would forever be able to re-visit if we were there and know that no one else knew that special spot etc. I was just thinking of your renting situation, if you didn't like the thought of burying baby in your current place and then having the whole moving/leaving emotions.

will be thinking of you tomorrow

Hi Clare, all the best for tomorrow. I don't think it's morbid, I didn't bring baby home and it was my biggest regret

What about a half wine barrel? We had our cat (sorry i know its no comparison) burried in one because we were renting. We planted lots of different outdoor flowers so that it is in colour most of the year. You can also attach a plaque.
They are quite heavy to take with you when you move, but we have moved ours a couple of times now, no probs.

Hi Clare,

I was thinking of you today annd will be thinking of you tomorrow when you pick up your precious babe. There are plenty of suggestions on what to do and I hope that you find something suitable and special for your angel.

take care

Hi Clare
I will be thinking thinking of you tomorrow. It is great that your husband is going with you as yes it is very emotional bringing "baby home". I went with my DS 18 months old as DH was working. I managed to hold it together just while there but the waiting in the reception room was so hard. The remains of my wee angel Alex was handed to me in a small brown paper bag, that was the worst part. If you have a special blanket or keepsake box you could take that to receive your wee baby in. I managed to walk out of the hospital with none stopping me and tears were running down my face, when I got to the car I just sat there and cried for about 20 minutes. Reality hit me then, as I did not see Alex or much of anything else when I mc because I was so unwell and had an emergency D and C due to having a massive bleed.
We stored baby in the fridge until wee planted a tree in a large pot, we own our house but I would not cope with leaving Alex behind if we ever moved.
Looking back now if I were to do it all again I would have had Alex cremated and kept the ashes in a special keepsake box or necklace. I would still have planted a tree as for me planting a plant seemed to complete the circle of life (I hope that that does not sound to airy fairy)
Anyway for tomorrow, even though it is emotional and heart wrenching for me bringing Alex home has help me heal and has enabled me to move through and complete the grieving process

hi everyone, mso today is the day and thank you for all your advice...sitting bed last night i just thought..we will have baby cremated..i am thinking that this may seem the best thing...not sure..is there a best thing really, i dont know but then like u said Vicky_lee i can then keep baby in the house...i kept thinking about how i would keep looking out there even in the winter and wonder ...i dont know..silly..all these thoughts going throuhg my head! but ye..i ahve a treasure box someone gave me and i think that is a great idea!
Thank you Rainyday...for thinking of me :-)
andbabymakes3..haha about the comment about comparing the cat ad my baby, i know u dont mean that but i know people can get so emotional connected to their pets and i almost laughed the other day because my friend exactly the same thing u just did...
all the best ladies and will let u know how we get
xxx

I will be thinking of you today Clare.

I hadn't even thought of cremation as being an option but would have gone for that as it would have meant I could have the baby always there.

That's really brave and great of you Clare - like everyone else has said, it's part of recognising that little life.

Denz on here has a website called myangel. She sells cremation jewellery on there (little necklaces you can put the ashes in) and other things to memorialise baby. Only be prepared for a tiny amount. One of my best friends lost her little girl two days after birth at 26 weeks, and was unprepared to only get about a tablespoon of ashes.

Kia kaha.

Hi Claire,

Thinking of you today. I hope that in the sadness you are able to grieve and this helps you to come through to the other side. None of what you are about to do sounds fun or easy. Big hugs.

xx

Hi Claire - thinking of you. Be proud of your strength.

After my ectopic, I found it so hard to collect the baby from the hospital. We buried bubs in the garden as that seemed right to us and had a little ceremony. It did help make it more real that we had lost a little person and helped in some way with the grieving process.

It is definitely a real grieving process involved.

I think the miscarriage support website has a section with some ideas on what you can do ie bury bubs in a pot or garden etc. (Or maybe it was the SANDs website - maybe have a google when you feel up to it if you want some ideas).

Anyway thinking of you - hugs.

for today Claire

Thinking of you and sending much love

hi everyone thank you for the messages of support...what a weekend we have had of emotional ups and downs!!! finally braved up and went into the hospital...took all day and got there and the poeple had left at 5.30 that work on that side of the morgue!!! so i thought, well then we have the weekend to realy think about what to do...i was very annoyed with them and with myself for not asking what time i should come...so i have all week to think about it (great!)
i left this page open and went out and my husband had a read of this forum and said it upset him becaue he realised that we dont talk about half the tuff i put on here! (i felt terrible because i felt like i ahd opened up to him a lot) but looking back i have been quite reseved about everything...we had a HUGE talk and that was so helpful! he's hurting too just in a different way..i guess men and women grieve differently???hmmm anyway, so next friday i'm off to the hospital..work is full on for my husband so he wont be able to come with me :-( so a friend will...
sigh...so thank you all again for your message, they have been a GREAT comfort!
xx

Clare22 and DH
I am sorry that you could not pick up your baby over the weekend. It is going to be a long week for you and your DH. It is good that you are both talking; yes men and women can express their emotions in different ways but if you are both talking and on the some page as one another, supporting each other and working together it will help you both grieve as you need to. Everyone is different and everyone needs grieve in what ever way is helpful to them, there is no right or wrong way to grieve for your little one.
Look after yourselves
Vicky Lee

Thinking of you xx

Clare

I felt unable to pick up M's ashes from the crematorium so I got my mother to go and do it. I was just wondering if you could/would like to ask the hospital to arrange the cremation for you? That is what happened in my case. I still have her ashes in a wee trinket box with an angel on top at home, although I do intend to bury her ashes at my family bach when I feel ready to do so.

This is a photo of the box I have M's ashes in (on a black shelf). In the background is a sculpture of hands holding an angel, which I picked up at the same time.

Hi everyone.
HiJinx, that is the most beautiful box! it is beautiful!
everyone, reading the comments have made me feel like what i did not taking baby was the wrong decision because i spoke to the poeple at the hospital and they dont have my baby! all they have is the products from the d&c. in all fairness they did say they had "something" for me...and i let myself believe that it was baby. they said it was basically just blood they had and so i gave them permission to discard that themselves.
this passed week has been full of emotions and one good thing is that me and hubby have been talking more because we had to talk about what we were going to do with baby and stuff...sooo.
but today has not been a good day :-(
hope everyone else is keeping well...?
all your ideas were SSSOOOO appreciated, you wouldnt believe!

Oh clare I'm so sorry

Can I suggest you do those things you talked about anyway? Have a potted plant. Get a special box - write your baby a letter and put it in the box in place of baby. Buy a special necklace or other piece of memorial jewellery. Don't let this stop you ritualising your grief. I think most of us need the scaffold of some sort of ritual in order to grieve fully.

Kia kaha

when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night

Clare, big hugs and thinking of you.

So aweful to have one thought all organised in your mind to then have it changed. Great idea from Country mum above, still do everything you had planned for your little one.

thank you Country mum and Clemmy...yes i ahve written and poem, have bought a book and will have something i can scrapbook (because i love scrapbooking...) so i feel that will be a healing process...
#and Clemmy how are u???!
x

Awww thanks for asking, I am doing a little better each day! It is such a hard thing to go through and although I wish I wasnt part of the club I am glad for the wonderful women here to chat/vent to xxx Take care and that scrapbooking sounds like a lovely thing to do. I have horses so they have been getting a bit of attention, they are probably sick of hearing me talk about it though