When I miscarried at 13.5 weeks, my 3 year old knew something was going on. We tried to be very general and vague. She was with us when we buried him and asked a lot of questions. Basically, she knew that the baby boy's body didn't work, his thoughts and love went to heaven, and that we love him.

She asked me point blank the other day if I had a baby in my belly (I've been purposefully not saying anything about it around her). I told her did. Well, today, she asked if we were going to put the baby in a box when she dies. Then she talked about her brother and that he was in heaven and that he died. It was like a punch to the gut.

I know she doesn't understand much of what she's talking about and is trying to work it out in her head. What do you say to these questions? I was frank with her. I told her we love the baby (just like we did her, Sweetpea, and Surprise), hope that he/she stays, and that we will bury him/her if he/she dies.

Is this okay? Am I going to make her a mental case for talking to her about this? I don't want to overly shelter her, but I also don't want to frighten her.

It sounds to me like you've done the right thing. Our girls didn't know about the babies that miscarried - although having said that, the 4.5 y/o knew something was up, and asked more than one question about babies and how they grow etc. She didn't get as far as asking me directly though, and i don't know what i would have said.

You can't lie to them, and i think you're dealing with it really well. It doesn't sound like she's frightened, just curious about life and death and babies. If you can keep some of the emotion out of it that's probably a good thing, as i could imagine that frightening my two. Kia kaha (which means, stay strong)

Thank you. I have been trying to keep the emotions pretty neutral. I don't want her to feel like her questions make me sad or anything.

Both my boys knew about "Faith" and they knew she died. They were part of the ceremony we had when she died and we explained to them in age appropriate language. Connor was 3 1/2 and Liam 4 1/2. Now 2 years later they still talk about their baby that died, and I find it really comforting, they understand that we loved her and wanted her but she was probably too sick or her body just wasn't working properly to have lived, and that it happens sometimes. With previous pregnancies that there was a chance that something could go wrong but we were always positive that baby would be fine.

I think from this experience and understanding they will be better men, later in life if they have wives that experience a loss they will have that sympathy and empathy grown from an early age. They both think that the baby that didn't live is as valued as their other siblings. Liam even said to his grandmother "don't you think dead babies are important too?" when she didn't include Faith her in list. Good on him

They have said some confronting things, one day in a supermarket they spotted a pregnant lady in the line for the check out, they both said to her that my mummy was pregnant but our baby "DIED" the lady looked mortified, but in a way I was sort of comforted that they aren't upset by it, its what it is. They also talk about her in a loving way. Liam said to me at Christmas, if Faith had lived she would really love Christmas ah mum... hard but lovely.....

I think let them guide you, talk about the baby, they know somethings happened, if your not talking about it they are thinking all sorts of things, and worrying about stuff that might not be real at all. With talking it takes the secrecy away, it gives children a chance to explore life and death issues in a safe and age appropriate way.

Hugs...

Thank you. It is hard to talk about, but I don't want a household full of taboos. My grandmother and mom were big into keeping things hush-hush and I can't stand that. It made me think some things were really wrong that weren't. I'll let her lead the discussion and I'll continue to let her know that we love the baby and are sad (not overcome) at her loss.

Sorry for the late response, I only saw this question now. My world starts to widen a bit again now I'm not so sick.

My son frequently talks about the 'dead babies' has done for years. He always new about my miscarriages as when he was little he would know about my PG's before I told him. He is very sensitive. So he would respond to me when feeling sick, sad etc. When we lost our 4 PG he told me that he thought the babies are on a mary-go-round in heaven with Jesus. Having fun, giggling and dropping off because they had to laugh so hard. I thought that was very sweet. He was about 4 at the time. So in my mind I just added the twins I lost with last MC to the mary-go-round.

The last weeks he asked me a lot of questions about this baby and if it is going to die, etc, but that is on the same level as 'is it a boy or a girl' emotional it is neutral. He states he will be sad if he baby dies, but when he wants to pick a fight he shouted once that he doesn't care if the baby dies. Just trying to find something to hurt me, doesn't mean anything else. Later he told me he didn't mean it.

I don't think your kid gets emotionally demaged by talking about our lost babies. I think it's very healthy to keep on talking on their level and answer their questions.

It might come up every now and then, just like in this household.