I cant believe I have been unlucky enough again Today I had another scan as we have been on a bit of a rollercoaster.

HCG slowed off but was still doubling every 60ish hours at about 5 weeks. This started my worrying, then scan at 7 weeks confirmed no heartbeat only a sac (not even a yolk sac and fetal pole) very sad day. We waited a week and had another scan, strangely the second one at 8 weeks showed there had been some growth and inside the sac was now a yolk sac and fetal pole but no heartbeat??? hope crept in that there had been late implantation! Scan today 9 weeks, still no heartbeat and now no growth so confirmed missed miscarriage

My heart hurts! I keep saying sorry to my husband and little girl even though I know it was not really my fault, just seems like I have let them down. Infertility is bad enough, my stupid body not being able to do the first part of the job but then for the same stupid body to not be able to finish the job just makes me so mad, sad and sorry to my family.

Ascot private hospital is not open till the 16th Jan so have decided to wait till then as would prefer my fertility specialist to do the D&C so more waiting now, more time to think about it all and summons the courage to go through 1 more round of IVF to compete our family and dreams.

In the mean time, lots of hugs and snuggles from my little girl who I am so grateful everyday for. She makes my heart hurt just a little bit less.

Clemmy and family

I am very sorry for the loss of your wee angel baby. I just don't know what to say, life was never meant to be this hard. Yes you have the right to be angry and to feel a rollercoaster of other emotions, it is not fear when you battle so hard for a much loved baby only to have it taken away before you get to have a meet them in person. I know what you say about enjoying the cuddles and snuggles with your little one, my wee boy kept me going after my last mc, the pure innocence of just wanting to give you a shoulder to cry on without wanting to know why your are sad. Look after yourself and remember there are unfortunately a lot of ladies here that have been in the same boat and want to help and support you.

Vicky Lee

Clemmy so sorry that you've had another miscarriage and thinking of you as you wait until Ascot is open again, can totally understand you reasonings for waiting.

Infertility is hard enough without having to endure miscarriages as well. Carrying on with fertility treatment is a hard decision to make and only you and your DH can decide that, but I would recommend waiting until you're in a better head space. We carried on after each failure/miscarriage and our stillborn DS, and only stopped treatments when our specialist told us there was nothing more they could do unless we found an egg donor, prior to that we were only dealing with low sperm counts and in the end my body decided it wasn't going to respond to anymore drugs. In a way it was a relief that we didn't have to make the decision to pull the plug ourselves. If the specialists gave us hope we would've carried on and spent more hard earned money. In the end we proved them and ourselves wrong and now have our miracle DS and I've finally accepted that we're unable to add to our family taken 12 months though. Its a double-edged sword, if we didn't get our natural miracle and done a donor cycle we probably would've been able to add to our family, but I wouldn't change anything in the world

Wishing you hugs for whatever you decide to do regarding fertility treatment and will be thinking of you on the 16th

Clemmy, I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your wee angel

Know that we are all here for you. Situations like this I just wish there was more we could do for you! Go gently on yourself and I know that that can be hard...we all try and beat ourselves up when we lose an angel..The whys are what always got to me.

My thoughts are with you and I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks and sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

Clammy - so sorry for your loss, reading you story brings back memories of our roller coaster in november / December we had bad HCG's and agonising over heartbeats and scans every week. That part is so hard to go through and you can't help but hang on to the smallest bit of hope that it will all turn out fine.
Life is incredibly unfair sometimes, we have all lost the innocence that should come with pregnany. I would love to be one of those woman who don't have a care in the world and don't have scans until 12 weeks because they wouldn't dream that anything could go wrong and don't even know what an HCG is.
My heart goes out to you So glad your little girl is helping you through this incredibly hard time and you are waiting for a specialist to do the D&C. I have always found it easier to go through when you know the surgeon doing the procedure.

I'm so sorry Clemmy - I know just how that feels, and that feeling of emptiness gnawing, and the emotional exhaustion, and quite frankly the despair. It's not o.k., it's not right. It is what it is, and learning to live with it takes a lot.

I had my lap for an ectopic done with FA by RF, and it was after that, that I felt for the first time since I'd had a rushed public D&C done at Greenlane that my body/periods/cycles clicked back to normal. Lots of ladies here have had great experiences at the public hospitals, but I'm all for getting your fert spec if that's what makes you feel the most comfortable in a heartbreaking situation.

Clemmy im so sorry for your loss ! I too had my d&c done at Ascots Columba centre and have had all my Endo stuff dealt with there for years and they are just so amazing and caring there so I totally understand you wanting to wait ! Big hugs and I hope your next round of IVF results in a gorgeous healthy bubba for you !

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your posts xx

Still a little teary today, but things will get easier I know. My fertility clinic is so supportive and ring to see how I am and if I need to speak to the councellors etc along with my gorgeous DH and bub I know I am well supported and cared for.

I am sure plenty of people have had good experiences with public hospitals but I figure if someone I know can do this for me and insurance will pay for it then that will just put my mind at ease a little.

Thanks again, you are all fantastic xx

clemmy. So sorry you are going through such an awful time. No wise words from me, I'm glad to hear you have a good support system. Love & thoughts to you & your family. Take care.

Clemmy - I also wanted to add my hugs to the wishes from all the ladies here.

I'm so sorry that you've been on such an awful rollercoaster after all you have been through.

This is me just getting my thoughts down, so please feel free to read and run xx

I feel so sad at the moment, it has been such a long time waiting and as of today I still dont have a date for my D&C but it is being planned for early next week.

I speak to little one every day, and cry for him/her everyday too. I want the closure that the D&C will give me so I can move forward but I am scared and upset about saying goodbye and letting go. My heart hurts!

This little miracle was soooooo wanted and hard to make, and even harder to lose. We knew that our first miscarriage was bad luck but why after everything did we need to be unlucky again

Goodbye sweet angel xxxx

Clemmy i'm so sorry you're going through this ! its so so tough and so unfair as well. I know how it feels to not feel as if you can move on until the d&c has happened but not wanting to let go either ! I can't say anything to make you feel better but just wanted to say (im sure you already know as it's not your first loss) that whilst you will never forget your babies, time does heal a bit. The sting and sick grieving feeling does ease up and although it feels like your just stuck in this black hole you do eventually manage to pull yourself out. Hugest hugs and I hope you get your d&c soon !

Big hugs Clemmy

Thinking of you often

Clemmy - I wish I could help.

Clemmy,

Big hugs for you today.I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down today and that you are having to wait so long for your D&C. Letting go can be so hard so I hope that you will have the strength to do it and the support of your family.

xx

Thinking of you Clemmy. Nothing about your situation is easy. There are so many hardships all bundled together that it's no wonder your head hurts.
At the very least I hope you get a date for your D&C on Monday so you can feel like you can begin moving on.
xxx

Have tried to reply to you several times today, but there are no words. I was picturing you up at one in the morning, feeling empty and aching. Nothing speaks to that loss. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that there are people here who really do know how you feel. Who have been where you are at one in the morning feeling that dreadful bitter despair. And maybe it might help a little that even though most of us have never met, that we cry a little bit with you.

Kia kaha

Beautifully said CM

thinking of you clemmy