Wasn't sure which section to put this in.

We are finished our family (DH's decision, not mine) i always said 2 kids but i just don't feel finished it upsets me all the time, i'm tearing up now just thinking about it. I'm desperate to have another baby. DH is adament we are finished. Hes a third generatio0n only child and doesn't understand the whole sibling thing, he's only got a couple of cousins and they never lived anywhere near him as he was growing up so he was brought up around adults so before he met me he had nothing to do with large families.

DH wants to get a vasectomy, i have managed to put him off until now though and he hasn't brought it up again.

He feels guilty when i get upset about not having anymore kids cause he knows how much i want another baby.

He loves our two and they way they are interacting with each other now L is a bit older. Our kids are awesomely well behaved and i'm sure hes scared if we have another it'll be a devil child, lol.

So how do i get over the feeling of wanting another child cause i know i'm not going to win this one??

If you know for sure that there will be no more, I guess all you can do is look at the positives of 2, in terms of things you can or will be able to do togther that financially a third will stretch. Places you can go that you couldn't with a baby.

Look at getting involved more perhaps with the kids schooling - in the parenting support type groups. Look at something for you, that you enjoy and spend time doing that.

I am not sure what your plans are re work, if you arr thinking about returning to work at all or when - consider if you are interested in looking at education for yourself to cahnge your options - is there something that interests you. Places like SIT offer distance learning and have no course fees.

I think it is abbout creating a life that you enoy now, and learning that what ifs are basically a way of wishing your life away. Grieve for what you cannot have, but like with all things you grieve for, look at ways to move on in life by making your life work for you.

I feel for you - if I was younger and didn't get pregnancy complications I would be desperate for another too. But DH is happy with two (he was happy with one, really) and I have to live with that.

As always felicis gives great advice - you have to focus on the positives. Think of all the things you are going to be able to do as a family soon that you wouldn't be able to do with another baby in tow (even easier to see the plus side there once both of them are out of daytime naps, for example).

Personally, I love my kids, and as a SAHM they are my full time work, and in my ideal world I would have another, but I must admit to looking forward to the day they are both in school and I can actually do something for me that takes more than five minutes.

Awww RD I know how you feel a little bit. DH just recently was adamant we were only having 2 but I think he is finally coming round to the idea now. We've had a bit of a hard time with DS, very clingy and full on but he's just starting to bond with DH a lot more. The thing I'm missing at the moment is that same sex relationship, you know girls playing with dolls or boys playing with diggers together. Also both DH and I are one of 3.

I do think though how much easier it would be to stop right now but I guess what is pushing me to push DH is the future of our family, i.e. when they're grown up and have their own kids. What if 1 moves away and you'll only have 1 nearby. Had your DH thought about all this?

I'm just trying to put across my arguments I've had with DH to win him round, maybe they will help otherwise yes I agree with above you have to look at the positives of your gorgeous 2 children.

I used to know that feeling, after out first 2 I was really surprised to find myself thinking about another but after discussions with DH who was adament 2 was enough i felt worse and worse and sadder and sadder. I felt like it was a real strain on our relationship at the time but after many many months of me having an answer to any worry/reason he said no he finally agreed. I was OVERJOYED. I was so sure after #3 i would "feel done" obviously that wasn't the case and luckily for me DH was much easier to convince for #4

If DH had really said no to that 3rd baby, I actually don't know how i would get past that. I feel very sad for you

Sorry that wasn't any help at all, just a "i know what you mean" moment

I have been there too, and not sure how to answer it.
It is so hard to deal with, when your heart and logic don't want to agree.
Big hugs to you.

We have been through a vasectomy when we thought we were finished, then I had second thoughts, and months of tears, then DH had a reversal. Then after 2 1/2yrs of ttcing and realising it had failed, we decided to give up (not preventing as there seemed no point). We were not going to do IVF as we felt blessed with the kids we had.
Then after time and a new country and a much cheaper IVF over here ($1450), DH has finally considered giving it a go.

So for us, it just took a little time for DH to come around.

RD I am sorry your heart strings are being fulled like this, but I am sure you and your DH will get through it, with all the love and support that you have had for each other from the beginning.

I can relate to how you're feeling too. We have 2 kids and I always wanted 3 or 4 but because of an injury to my pelvis caused by pregnancy I can't have any more. DH had a vasectomy in 2008 so that's that. I found that the grief over it was much stronger when my youngest was little because I found myself really aware that I was witnessing a lot of "last times" - the last time I'd breastfeed, the last time I saw my baby learn to walk etc. As B has gotten older (he's 4 now) it's definitely lessened and I can see the positives of having a smaller family.

If this is really it, then you have to start looking at the good things about a family of four. Focus on the things you'll be able to do soon - staying out all day without worrying about naps, travelling is easier when they're older, going back to work or exploring other interests.. those kinds of things.

I do get a bit broody now and again when I see a new baby or a friend is pregnant but usually all I have to do is give myself a talking to about the good things that come with your children getting older and it passes.

Thanks everyone. I thought i was ok and a few months ago i sold alot of my baby stuff at a mums market but ever since then i've been regretting it and the feelings are stronger than ever.

THanks for all the advice and comments its been a good help.

There have been a couple of courses i've been looking at ( i don't plan to go back to work until the kids are at school) and a friend wants me to have her daughter 1 day a week.

Your right pudding, its those sorts of things that set me off, last breastfeed etc.

RD I have soooo been where you are One thing I do want to offer you though, is hope.

My husband said for the past 2 years we weren't going to have anymore, he wanted a vasectomy etc... He was adamnant no more kids and you know I thought at one point it would mean the end of us

In the biggest turnaround ever, our situation has now changed and the decision is really mine now (he still isn't overly thrilled btw lol but would now support it).

Interestingly enough RD It is now me who is unsure. The kids have gotten older and that means - way easier. We have more life out and about now and my dh and I have more time together and can go out etc... (esp cos I am working full time). I am loving the income we have (after being dirt poor for so long), the freedom we have gained with the kids getting older, more portable and more independent etc...

I don't know what will happen for us and I don't know what will happen for you RD, but just remember that time and situations can change. Your heart may be breaking now but you just have to try and deal with it the best you can and see what happens in the future.

When I sold off DS's cot, highchair etc. I was so sad. The last time I breastfed him I bawled afterwards. It's OK to be sad about those things. It's the end of a huge part of your life. I even sold his really nice Nature Baby clothing on trademe in a fit of spring cleaning and I've regretted that ever since.

My good friend just had her 4th baby boy yesterday and those things still give me a pang. I would have loved a bigger family but I'm so incredibly blessed with my two, and I have to focus on that because there are so many others out there who would die to be in my position.

DS is starting school in a year and that will be a major moment for me. Not looking forward to that

If it is any help at all, I have been sad with end of milestones too, and I have NO desire whatsoever to have another. It isn't so much that I won't get to do it again, moe that i won't get to do it again with LILY. I think that it is really normal to grieve each period of time because it is so very short, that magic time we have with our kids. But I know that because I only have the one, and we have the life we do, that I can then make the next period of her life a magic time, and the next, and the next - which is harder to achieve when you have a baby around.

My DH did not want number 3 and there was no changing him until a family member died and he started to see things differently. I actually believe that I could now convince him to go for number 4 but I couldn't think of anything worse at the moment.

Duh not answering your question though. I was a lot like you after DS2 and found I always had to have something else to look forward to, something that would be hard to achieve with a wee one is even better. Usually this would be a holiday or a weekend away with friends or even a flash dinner out. I threw myself into exercise was going to the gym most days and even took up running. I actually look back fondly on that time as it is when I invested so much of my time in myself, where as now I'm back to being a frumpy mum who can't spend any significant time away from her breastfeeding baby.

I think there is two ways that you can approach this scenario.

First of all would be to acknowledge that you're in a cycle of grief (easier said than done) and work through it. I'm not talking about acceptance being an easy goal or an achievable one but if you want it, then I think you need to work through your issues (that sounds horrible "issues") and emotions on this. I think you're a really strong chick and if anyone can can get through it then you can

Second you could ask DH for some time. You're both still so young and if you really feel strongly about then ear mark yourselves a date on the calendar for 2 or 3 years and talk about it again. Maybe it will give you both a little perspective about it and lets face it, it will be able to help you get your head around it if you both decide it's a no.

When I had Olivia, I really thought that was it. I was so sure after my second miscarriage that it wasn't happening. I decided that I needed to refocus. I put myself on a diet and started buying smart clothes. I had a job that I ended up LOVING and my whole self turned back to me.
I really love going out with girl friends and having a drink, I love having a night off from the kids just so I can go talk shit. I didn't think I lost much of myself as a mother, but I certainly forgot that I'm really important as well.
I didn't ever quit wanting another baby but I became happy enough that it was something that wouldn't over shadow who I was becoming, I really did become ok with the whole "Well if it never happens, then it never happens".

Be gentle with yourself

I think hormones are playing a huge part naturally in wanting more children when your baby suddenly is 1 and seems so grown up. With each of my children I really noticed this huge emotional pull wanting another child right when the older one was about 1. Human nature maybe? Also your beautiful baby is growing up doing different things - can seem sad - but look ahead to all the more wonderful things that you will be able to do as they grow more independent and are walking ready for adventures. Such fun times ahead of you!

I truly think I will never get past wanting another baby. To me, babies are each their own little miracle, and the closest we ever get to seeing God. But I just can't keep having babies forever. We do not have the resources for me to keep having babies, and to support them as they grow. It is important to me that we are able to offer them the kind of education, opportunities and security our parents strived to offer us. As I say goodbye to the baby stage, I do feel wistful at times, but also excited about the stages ahead. My little people are turning into awesome big people and we have heaps of adventures ahead of us...and those adventures don't involve nappies.

Thanks for all the the advice.

I have a couple of new ideas and things on the go. I am having one of Lockies wee girlfriends every thursday while her mum works. Also looking at a couple of courses to do part time.

RD, I think started having feelings like this when my littlies were about Lockies age. They are growing up quickly, and your body has recovered. You might be getting more sleep, your hormone levels will have nearly normalised and there is sometimes this huge sense of life moving on - and moving on fast.

It's really tough, and when we decided to have our last baby, it was after MONTHS of discussions, tears and confusion. We even had health issues that we looked into. At the end of the day, we weren't finished and went for number four.

The wonderful thing for me now, is that I am definitely finished. And I have to say that this feeling, is such an incredible luxury! My heart goes out to all of you having to live with that question in your hearts.

My advice, is too not get your hopes up, but ask him for time before getting the snip. In a while, as he watches his daughter and son grow up he might change his feelings. Or you might find yourself moving past the baby stage, into new things that you enjoy, making going 'back there' not so desirable after all.

At the least, time might give you more of a chance to grieve, before anything permanent is done. But you must NOT get your hopes up, and you need to be safe in the mean time.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.

I don't really know how to overcome that feeling. We have one child but that's DP's choice not mine. I think about it all the time and it's actually heartbreaking for me knowing that DS won't have a sibling. The feeling doesn't go away (well it hasn't for me). Basically it came down to one of us having to give in-he isn't going to so I have the choice of leaving him or dealing with it. It's not quite enough to make me want to tear apart our little family unit & our life. I'm SO grateful for what we have and for my DS so I just live with it for now.

DH was the same about going for #4, absolutely adamant that we were done. I grieved a lot about it, and I think that is the key, to realise it's a grieving process and allow yourself to feel that grief. It took me about 2-3 years of really struggling with it, and then I came right. Now I am happy that there is not a smaller one under DD and I'm enjoying them growing up and allowing our family to do different things.

been there doing that...short answer you (well me anyways) dont get over it...even less so when DH tells you to be gratefull for the one that you do have as "others have none blah blah" supportive not.... When your life plan is taken out of your control it is quite a hard pill to swallow....but to that end i am greatfull for the one i do have....just living a life of incompleteness...I hope you resolve your feelings and find peace though

Im in the same boat RD.

You dont get over it. You get rid of everything you have (and save some outfits and toys from each child lol), but you will always have that longing in your heart. Even once you see the things you will have to do again (toilet training, nappy changes, night feeds etc), you still want that little baby to hold

For me, knowing that I was lucky to have Mr7 after what I went through as a child and then being lucky to have Mr4 after what went through after having Mr7 helps me to realise that I am lucky to have what I have. I also think about all the things I can do now that I have my baby almost starting school.
The longing never leaves me, it goes dormant and comes back again and its hard, but in respect of my DH I dont push him for another child. He knows I want one and thats out there and he is the one in control now. If and when he is ready, there will be another.

One thing I learnt from others on here, is that you need to put your feelings aside and think of it from your DH view. Its money, time, everything and that is stressful on a man especially if he is the one that is making the money to support the family and you need to respect that

I hope things work out for you

Umm guess he should have gone for the vasectomy......

In complete shock!!

OMFG RD!!!! fabulous news I'm so pleased for you Bet you're not getting rid of that baby gear now

Well there you go, decision made for you!

Oh my RD!!!!!!#! Is your husband OK with it? We ummmed and ahhhhed about being finished then just as we decided yes we were finished we got a complete surprise too. You just never know were the twists in the path of life lie! It took me a long time to get over it (and sometimes I'm still not over that surprise) but he's just such a blessed addition to our family as I'm sure yours will be too - once you both get over the shock. Congratulations!!!

...And once he was born we were both very, very certain that we were well and truly done . He completes our family perfectly.

Wow RD - decision made for you I guess! I hope your DH and you are both excited - huge congratulations on your wee surprise!

Congrats RD!!!!

We ummed and ahhed about #3 and for one month we were undecided.. and that's all it took Hard work at the beginning, but is a very welcome addition to our family

OMG, that has made me giggle so much. Far out, awesome!

Congratulations! Hope your DH is coping well with the news

too funny HUGE Congratulations!!

Oh and i really hope your DH is ok with the news and is coming around to the idea.

Hes coping better than me! Hes telling his parents and gran and hes all excited!

I'm still shocked, just wandering around the house in a daze!

I'm so pleased that he's excited RD. He must be to be going round telling people already. Perhaps it was just a pressure thing with finances etc. and now fate has played it's role. Stoked for you!!!

Haha brilliant RD I'm so pleased for you!!

Wow congratulations RD. And LOL to your DH being excited about it while you are wandering around in disbelief.

I know that feeling well LOL, congrat's to you all, RD!

Massive congrats RD

Huge congrats RD Hope you are feeling better about it today

congrats RD!!

Congrats!!

Wow! Congrats!

Well I guess that's one way to get over that feeling! Congrats

aw very similar story to us one year ago

Huge congrats RD, I hope everything works out well for you on Friday.

Very hard to find the words - but he's one of the three best things to ever happen to us Can't imagine life without him now!