I'm stuck living in an area where I can't find a reasonable paying job. The job I have is good in that it is flexible but some of the people I work with are less than pleasant. Coupled with losing a couple of contracts it looks like my hours would have to be cut mid next year unless the firm can pick up more work. The wages aren't great either but in a really high unemployment area I have to take what is offered. The hourly rate is less than what I was paid in a similar position over 15 years ago.

The reason I'm stuck is that the ex (ofcourse) will not agree to me moving. The school the kids go to is not great but he won't agree to me moving them as the only other close by school is catholic. The distance I want/need to move would make it too expensive for me to take the kids back to him for his time with them. It's not like he spends much time with them when he has them anyway, they seem to be dumped off with whomever is willing to look after them while he goes out and does whatever. I know this because one of the mum's rang me when she couldn't get hold of ex and the kids had been dropped to her without carseats or spare clothes and she needed to go out in her car. I was appalled when she told me how often she had had them over.

There is no money for a social life and other than one friend in town I'm stuck with aquaintences, most of who know the ex and are totally sucked in by his high profile and "niceness" and blame me for our separation. really I'm left with only one person to vent now after using up my free counselling. I don't get much support from family because of the distance they live away (I want to move closer). This year Christmas will be the only chance I will have had to see my parents - and then we don't get any real time on our own to talk because of the extended family and friends that will also be there. The last two Christmases I have spent much of the nights bawling my eyes out because I just don't want to be there and I'm only there because the kids get to have a family Christmas which I thought magical as a child (ex doesn't do Christmas, no tree, no decorations, no gifts, volunteers to be on-call so that others have family time). As I seem to be the black sheep the extended family all take turns at making the butt of their jokes or running down the decisions I've made, the books I read etc etc and I just can't emotionally cope with it any more. The thought of going home this year bring tears, the thought of not seeing my parents brings tears, the cost of just getting there and back (over a tank of gas) brings tears. If I stay home the kids miss seeing their grandparents possibly for another whole year. Mum and Dad take most of their annual leave at Christmas because of the extended family being home and then off camping together, they never come here to visit. Yes, the horrid relatives all go camping too, it used to so much fun but when you are the whipping boy.

Anyway I guess I'm just venting. I'd like to do better by the kids and myself but I'm constrained by this stupid shared custody arrangement and choosing way the wrong person to father my children.

Oh that is hard
Where did you want to move too? how far away is it to dex? and is the rent the same cost etc?

I feel much the same here, and its a horrible feeling.

You can move if you can prove to the court that its a better life, better job, better family support etc to do so.
But you have to be able to find a way of getting the kids back to him. Could you negotiate something where he gets half of the school holidays with them? Less trips back and forth that way.

Hugs, I've been there, stuck in a town I couldn't afford running up debt because the ex didn't want me to move- but my DEX is an idiot and he signed an agreement thinking it was just a suggestion of what could happen if I were to move... looked like a right arse in court there. So I was able to move and he tried to fight me to get me to move back even though his access to the kids barely changed. He conceded defeat eventually.

what if you spent some time with your parents just before or after xmas. then you get quality time with them - but without the extended family, whom don't seem supportive of you.

you could do a nice family xmas at your own house for the kids. get some nice ideas online - get together with another single mum and make a day/night of it?

I believe there is always a solution - you just need to take your mind off the problem.

You do sound very overwhelmed, and easy to do leading up to xmas.
I always get stressed at xmas.

i'm happy to chat with you if you need some support.

work and ex situation sounds difficult, hang in there, an answer will present itself.

If I do Christmas at home, it'll be probably another year before I can get to see family again, so both sides miss out. I get the kids back in the evening 23/12 and need on the 27th to be back for them to go to ex for a week. It's about a 900 kms return trip to family so not somewhere I can shoot to for a weekend, and they go further away to camp.

Clem, he can't cope with the kids for that long - well he never used to and I doubt he does now, he just drops them off to somwhere/someone else. It's all part of the mind games/emotional control he uses. If he was a great father that interacted with his kids things would probably be different. He asked for a week at New Year as he and the kids have been invited to stay somewhere and they had the foresight to check with me first before inviting ex so he couldn't do his usual "she won't allow the kids blah blah". The people inviting him have their grandchildren from Aust coming to stay so wanted some other children along to make entertaining them easier.

GG67, I like NightSky's suggestion about spending time with them before or after Christmas. Why don't you talk to your parents about coming to spend some time with you for a change? You are their child and your children are their grandchildren so surely they would come to you to make sure they do get to see you all? Why don't you let them know how important is to you that you get to see them but that you'd like time on your own with them for a change and ask if they can come to you after the rest of the family have gone?

GG67

I didn't actually realise you had to ask for permission - after I'd finished my degree I got a job in Auckland (ex and I both lived in Hamilton) and just announced I was leaving! He saw DD rarely when she was young as he didn't seem able to cope with her for more than 24 hours at a time and although he lived about 5 minutes away, never saw her during the week. Because of that I had no qualms about moving and made it clear I would help with meet up arrangements that suited him

Once up here we set up that we would meet in Mercer once a fortnight for drop offs and pick ups. He's been a bit hit and miss with visits for the last few years but she now buses down (aged 13 1/2) at least once a month on a Friday night and returns Sunday. She also now spends one week of each holiday which they both (finally) enjoy together

For Christmas, we sometimes had one lot of grandparents or the other visit a couple of days before (my parents live in the Coromandel, his in Hamilton and now Tauranga). My mum got a bit snitty about it all but hey, if you want to see her that bad, then fit around it lady! (she's the me, me, me type )

Not sure where you live but is it possible to go to somewhere else that gets you an income and a happier life that isn't too far for in the middle swap overs?

My lawyer brought up the moving away issues as that is what I wanted to do straight from the start and ex and his lawyer blocked it straight off. This shared custody arrangement that the courts favour must have been dreamed up by a PC idiot. I'm sure it would work where both parents have careers, friends and families in the same area but not when one or both don't have that support. I'm sure ex doesn't really want the kids but he has an image to protect.

My parents still work full time and take most of their holidays at Christmas, so coordinating kids interests, sports, my time with the kids, long weekends, good health and having enough money and energy for fuel the long drive is difficult. It's not the sort of drive you do just to stay for lunch and afternoon tea and then shove off home. It's a stay a few days distance. I need time to recover from kids with woolworths bladders who also get motion sickness. I do try to drive the bulk of the trip at night when they are asleep. There's some past history I don't really want to go into which means they won't visit me.

Do you think the ex would consider a new xmas arrangement, allowing you to drive up to visit family over the xms one year (for a week) and then the next year he can have them for that time?

That's how it was last year Katerin, usually I would go off camping with the family group for a week after Christmas. This year is shorter (no camping) because of ex getting the invite to take the kids away. The thing is that I spent all last Christmas visit and the one before balling my eyes out all night because well you can't pick your relatives, so was quite happy to agree to the shorter time with the kids. With our sort of mass family gathering you get the ones you would usually cross the street to avoid as well as the ones you most want to see. It's like I really want to go home, really want the kids to get to know their extended family, and have that magical family Christmas thing going but also I don't want to really be there either. I think I feel a lot like that little guy you've banging his head next to your name.

I probably would enjoy/tolerate being home a lot more at Christmas if the other areas of my life were okay. But it's just like one thing on top of another and my family isn't the best to try and build self esteem with - especially en mass. The few hours of good times don't make up for all the rest of the s++t you have to put up with, whereas before I'd have just brushed it off. Becoming super sensitive seems to be a side effect of leaving a relationship.

Ooohhhhh I see what you mean now
Completely understand that. i'm a bit the same atm, having panic attacks about going home for xmas this year.

TBH In that case i really would stay home and try to make a nice christmas for yourself and your kids when you have them.
I know you'll miss the good family bits but i really do believe in not having people that make you cry like that around, especially when you're not able to deal with it.

Are you getting counselling for yourself? I find that can help deal with some of the shitty bits in life, especially since all those little things add up to quite a big thing!
For me, it helped me change my attitude to be a bit more positive, i found when i was more positive it made that yucky stuff not feel as bad because i learnt to find my silver linings, even the really hard to find ones!