I found out yesterday that our wee baby had died at 17 weeks gestation. I just can't get my head around it and can't seem to stop crying. I have an appointment at the hospital on Wednesday for an induction and I'm totally freaking out about it. I'm not sure how I feel about anything and don't want to make decisions I'll later regret. All I want is to have my wee boy back. Any advice gratefully received. My heart feels like it's breaking : (

hey frankie, i'm so, so sorry. what a terrible thing to happen for you and your family. i think the most important thing now is to ask questions about the induction, what's going to happen, and what support you're going to get. you can choose what happens for your baby, both during and after his birth. ask the hospital what is provided for you after he is born. ask to see the social worker. ask your midwife to be there. ask your partner and whatever family you want to be there.

it's such a hard time, i never know quite what to say for the best. you will find lots of supportive people here, although i think it's important to let you know that the miscarriage thread seems to be much more active than this one, so you might find more women to talk to over there.

most of all, you have lost your little boy. he is a person in his own right, and you have every right to grieve for him, and to love him, and to miss him. i hope you are able to have some kind of farewell for him, and get the support and love you need from your family at this time.

Hi Frankie, I am so sorry to hear your precious baby has died Your heart IS breaking, and crying is probably the best thing for you at this point! Don't feel that you have to be strong or supress your emotions, it is perfectly natural to grieve, and if I'm honest, you will grieve for a long time to come.

I hope you have a supportive partner and family to be by your side during this incredibly difficult week you have ahead. Talk about what you are feeling, write in a diary, write letters to your baby. I found dealing with emotions head-on was really helpful with my healing (we lost a little boy at around the same gestation 5 years ago).

If you would like to ask any specific questions about the delivery and what to expect, please feel free to send me a private message, I don't want to upset you (or indeed anyone) by posting details publically, but I am happy to talk/help in any way you like.

Thinking of you my dear, my heart goes out to you

Hi Frankie,

I'm SO sorry to hear that you are loosing your much loved little boy!

My daughter was stillborn in Jan last year at 20 weeks...free to ask any questions...

A few things I would advise...really think about taking a camera and getting lots of photo's of your special baby. Think about if you want hand/foot prints and take an ink pad with you. Something I treasure is the wrap that I put my daughter in when she was born...I swapped it with an identical one that my daughter stayed in.

Also visit the SANDS website, there is a LOT of useful information on there for you.

Thinking of you and your family!

Hi Frankie,

I am so sorry for your loss . This happened to me 5 months ago so I know exactly how you are feeling.

It is so very heart breaking. It is ok to cry all the time and be distraught at what has happened. You have lost your preciuos wee boy.

I definately second taking the camera with you. As hard as it was at the time, you will forever cherish having those photos.

I found alot of my distress came from not knowing what was going to happen or what she would look like. So please feel free to ask anything or if you want PM me.

FRANKIE44 Im so sorry for your loss. Its so sad to miscarry so late. You need lots of support around you now.
I agree with PINKLADY. I cried and cried after we lost our daughter too. It cuts like a knife. Over time the wound does cover over. Thinking of you.
Look after YOU Xx

Thank you all so, so much for your support. If one good thing can come out of this awfulness, it's seeing how truly lovely people can be! Thank you.

Am feeling a little calmer today, although that seems to change in an instant. Have felt some movement in my tummy and I think it's probably Ben's wee body bumping into me as I seem to have totally lost my bump (is that because the amniotic fluid gets re-absorbed??) I keep lifting up my top and poking my tummy out as far as I can, as if trying to trick myself that he is still growing.

Am feeling really scared about Wednesday. Have to go to hospital on Monday for a pill to soften things up and then on Wednesday I'll be admitted for the induction. I have to admit that I'm frightened about what he will look like, especially as they think he probably died 10 or so days ago. I also can't shake the thought that the amnio we had on 20 October was responsible.

Will Wednesday be like full-on labour? Will I cope? What will Ben look like? Should I hold him? So many questions.....So many tears : (

FRANKIE44 Yes if you are able to hold him, just like you would have. WE took lots of photos and looking back now am so glad we did. We also cut some of our daughter hair (she had lots of black curls) and had her hands and feet printed. Its so special to have these. Even more so now than when we 1st had them done.
Im feeling so much sadness for you. It truely is a roller coaster. Remember to be kind to yourself. Lots of hugs Xx

Don't be afraid to see him Frankie, he will look like a beautiful perfect wee boy. My wee girl died a couple of weeks before I was induced (I had to wait a week like you) and I had a useless doctor tell me that she would look like caviar But she was beautiful and not scary looking at all (which is what I was most terrified of). It is painful like a usual labour but you can have whatever drugs you want which does help.

I'm thinking of you

Hi Frankie. I have a similar story but at 20 weeks. You do get induced and the contractions are the same, but they should put you on a morphene pump (or similar) as you cannot harm the baby so you can take strong drugs to help your physical pain. The pushing and birth is just , for me, was quick cause the baby is much smaller than pushing out a 7 pounder. Your baby will look like a baby, but may be quite red. I told the nurses that I was not sure I wanted to see my baby, but then after the birth an army of men would not have stopped me from seeing my baby. It was just the most natural thing to do and I am so so greatful now that I did. I know it is a scary time and you are not sure of what lies ahead. And in the next few days you will get over the shock a bit, then feel like you are walking back into 'the line of fire' when you have to go to the hospital and deliver your son. You will feel like you are grieving all over again. It is ok. It is normal. Grieve, cry, laugh, love and treasure the moments you have with your son because they are your moments with YOUR son. You will never ever get a chance for them again. Take photos. Hold him, kiss him and be a mother to him for the time you will have him. Take him home with you. You can have a funeral for him. You may not know this but funeral companies should do it for free (including coffin and cremation). And in the following days, weeks and months to come look for support. Family and friends may be sufficient, but if they are not in the same space as you or do not understand then these forums are good and Sands is excellent.

And I agree with the other ladies... make memories. Foot and hand prints. Photos. No family has ever said they have too many photos of their baby!

Take care of yourself. We will be thinking of you.

Oh Frankie

What Denz said, pretty much. I personally was not offered ANY pain relief which was horrific - but I wasnt empowered with info like you are now. If in labour you need it - tell them so! The labour pains will be (IME) the same instensity as your full term babies though the pushing is easier.

My thoughts are with you - very very hard thing. Take heaps and heaps of photos.

I also had similar intensity contractions to the mid-stages of my full-term labours, though no pushing at all, bubs 'fell out' when I stood up to go to the toilet (my waters broke and I had several hours of contrax). He stayed with me at the hospital ubtil the next morning, and we said goodbye when the crematorium came to collect him. The hospital organised this for us.

This all happened to me LONG before I knew anything about this forum, so it didn't occur to me at all to take photos, or do footprints or keep a blanket, or have my parents visit I wish I had had that information upfront (though of course, I wish for it not to have happened at all more!)

My baby died during delivery, and he was very small, the length of my outstretched hand, and perfectly formed, tiny lips and ears, fingers (and fingernails), and as Denz said, their skin is translucent at this gestation, so you will be able to see 'through' it, hence the red appearance.

Best of luck to you, I'm actually a little shocked that they have made you wait so long for your induction, it really can't be good for your mental health. Sending lots of love

Frankie!

Just to answer some points about the wait for the induction...we had to wait too, as for any birth, they have to make sure there is enough space in the delivery suite, they also have to make sure there is enough staff - especially since at Waikato hospital, they have special hospital m/w's that deal with the birth of angel babies.

Definitely ask for pain relief should you need it...I had a shot of pethidine, slept well and then also had some gas, and it kept it all under control. I've since been in early stages of labour, so have NO idea how "intense" it was...but I know I needed pain relief.

you WILL cope, Ben will be absolutely BEAUTIFUL! As the others say, kiss and cuddle him! He will of course be tiny and fragile, but perfect in every single way! You will of course be more than welcome to have any visitors you like...we had some of our family come up and meet our beautiful angel...it was a very surreal day, I know my Mum was quite scared to meet Rosa, but she did meet her and I think she was glad that she did too. You can also have your own M/w with you if you have one. For us it was absolutely fantastic to have mine with us for the birth. It was also helpful I found for DH to have someone to talk to, especially when I was asleep or in pain etc...I think poor DH was quite scared about the whole thing too. I did a LOT of googling of what to expect, and tried to share with him too, but I dont think he took a lot of it in.

Tarme - I'm really sorry to hear about your loss too...I hope you are doing ok too!!

Hi Frankie,

Am thinking of you today. Hope you are doing ok

Deedz- Thank you! That was the first time I have posted since we lost Kate. I have done alot of lurking which I know is bad. But it felt good to be able to start to share.

Frankie,

Just wanted to pop in and say I am thinking of you today as you meet your angel. I hope you are treated with dignity, compassion and love by all those involved with you today. Take care sweety.

Frankie - have been thinking about you all week.And esp today as you meet your little man.Look after youself

I am also thinking of you today

Lots of hugs!

Frankie, how are you today sweets, you must be going through hell. Thinking of you


Tarme, so sorry to hear about your wee girl, please do feel free to talk to us here as well

I hope you are doing ok. Though I am sure you probably arent alot of the time.

I lost my little boy at 23 weeks 1 day on the 18th of November and am struggling daily with my loss. I have great support from my partner and some great friends but it seems an impossible task to get through this time.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to contact me.