Hi lovely people

This will be the first Christmas and Holiday time that my husband and I will be sharing with our children as partially separated. (we are going through the process, still living in the same house, he is seeing someone else/)

I feel pretty emotional about the prospect that my family unit is now torn apart. I really enjoyed all the family traditions and Christmas and Holiday time with my family unit that also included my husband and now I am just plain depressed about it all.

Nothing is going to be the same now and I feel pretty disapointed. It's not much fun doing it alone with just the children.

I am trying to tell myself that it is just another day and to not place so much importance on it but that just does not cut the mustard.

I see my parents and other older in love couples and I think fark me what the hell did we do wrong. I'm quite possibly never going to have that.

How do you guys manage. I cant even bring myself to tell my friends what I am going through. I feel sick to my stomach with it all.

surround yourself with other family at xmas time too if you can (or good friends etc), christmas without the kiddies must be the absolute pits.
to me its children that make xmas special, it doesn't actually bother me not having the ex around at all (but then i've had 5 xmas's to get used to it and I dont have to share the kids).

how are you going to share them? 1/2 day at each..or does 1 person get xmas eve and the other xmas day? i know some ppl that do year about - my dads family always used to do xmas day 1wk b4 real xmas so i got to spend fake xmas day with my dad and his family, and real xmas day with mum and her family...worked quite well.

I chose to have Christmas without my kids last year, it became just another day. I had no family near by to spend time with either. Boxing Day with them became Christmas day for me.

Its just a day really, people from other religions tolerate the rest of the country shutting down that day. Once you have your head around it its all good.

It must be hell living with ex when he has a new partner.

The two Christmas's before last I spent with the ex and his family and the kids but while the first one wasn't bad i felt completely estranged and repulsed by his family (Their drunken greed) and less comfortable with them. My DEX has a new partner now and I did not want to be around his family and his new partner so preferred to have the day alone. I was invited but couldn't do it even for my kids, was too angry at DEX for the financial position he had just landed on me too so wouldn't have been able to refrain from attempted murder.

I am working this year as my girlies will be with their father (we are going to do christmas about as we live a good hours drive away and don't want to make the kids christmas full of travelling backwards and forwards each year. I am lucky that I am a nurse and can just work it. But I will do a full and proper christmas day with the kids in the week or some before xmas. i kind of figure that it is about the girls and their pleasure and that it will esp in time be hard not having both parents there on xmas so the perk of having separated parents is to have 2 christmas'. So this year they will have a "mummy christmas" which will include my parents and aupair etc and it will be a special day and over the next years we will set new traditions which will be special for our new christmas together

Hi thanks for your replys. I like the idea of having new traditions to make for my children and my house...when I get it.

I guess it will get easier as time goes by.

You made me laugh CLEM when you said your DEX invited you for chritmas at his. Did he really think you would want to go, he must have his head in the clouds....lol

This will be my first Xmas alone in a long time, like I will be home alone all day, I get them back on boxing day and go to my family.

I'm lucky I'm not really a big fan of Xmas, so I'm not that worried, but nana (my mum) loves getting them stuff so make an effort.

On the up side our days with the kids means I don't have them for New Years, so can do something, haven't been out for NY for 6 years.

don't have shared care of dd, her dad (when he feel like it (been 9 mnth since he last saw her) has supervised access only. going to parent for xmas with dd, so he won't see her.
but when i was a kid my mum and step dad had my db and i one year, the next year dad would have us.

Dad O 2

New Years I think is always overrated. I prefer to go to bed and sleep through it...lol

On the other hand though I love Christmas...

We separated in Jan 2009. Xmas 2009 was terribly complicated. I was in AKL with the kids at a friend's house, he picked the kids up for Xmas Lunch at his sister's house and I got them back in the afternoon for Xmas Dinner at another friend's house. He got them from Boxing day for a couple of weeks.

Last year my mum was over from France, we took the kids camping in Northland and delivered them to DX in AKL at his dad's house the day after Boxing Day.

This year, DX wants to avoid Xmas with his family and we're getting along well enough that we decided to have Xmas at his house just the 4 of us and the next day, he's off to Rotorua with the kids.

Writing it down, it sounds terribly complicated...

I have my dd for Xmas morning..until about 2pm..then her dad picks her up and has her for the nt.
What I do for Easter (as it's normally his wknd...) is - (as I love both celebrations) I have an Easter morning at my house - we do the Easter egg basket etc. before Easter - and it's pretty cool as I get to see her face and share in that celebration with her, even if it is a few days earlier.
When you separate - all these special days become a "lil" bit diferent to how it used to be. At first it hurt me a lot. As the years have gone by it is a lot easier. Christmas Day is still a biggie for me - but after 4 years...this one will be easier =)

When my first husband and I first seperated, we tried to still do everything together for the kids. We lived in the same town. We would just take turns whether it be at my house or his. But when he hooked up with my cousin, I tried so hard to let it go. I tried so hard to not let it bug me, even though I was a huge mess inside.
After I think a full year after they got together, I decided it was just too hard, and we did it seperately.
Which was still hard but more manageable.
One year I had them for there birthday and he would get them for chirstmas, then the next year we would swap over. That way neither of us missed out on both these special times.

I found for myself that I needed a distraction from the fact that I had to share my kids every 2nd weekend and on these special occasions.
For me, I had my first at 17, 2nd at 20, separated just before I turned 22. That I decided that instead of feeling sad for not having my kids with me. That I would celebrate it, in the sense of, my kids were happy, they were safe, I had time to myself for the first time in years.
What should I do..................................
I used my every 2nd weekend to take my mummy hat off, knowing my kids were okay, and do all the things I hadn't done when I was younger. Went night clubing and found a social life.
I found that was the only way to distract myself from feeling sad with no kids at christmas time too.

But you know what. My boys are now 20 and nearly 17 ( they were nearly 5 and 16mths old when we seperated) and sure there are some things they would probably like to change, but mostly they are happy, loving well adjust young men. One is doing and engineering apprenticship and the other one wants to be an electrician.

I don't know where I am heading with this...............
Maybe that, it feels bad now, but you will get through it and you find a new way to celebrate these times, when your kids are with you and when they are not.
It also lets the kids know that it is okay to go to the other parents and have a good time and not feel bad because they are leaving you behind.

big hugs to you louise4, must be a really hard situation you are in at the moment. But there is no right or wrong way to deal with all this, it is just works for you. Hang in there, it does get a little easier as time goes by

i agree!! can't be bothered with NYE. LOVE christmas tho.

have been apart from my ex for 7 years, in that time i have married and had two more kids, so have tried lots of different ways to suss things out. first year or two i think the ex and i went to each others parents houses... awkward... blergh. then we decided to split it year about, so one year he would have ds christmas eve until about 2 and then i would have him christmas night and we would swap. i found the mornings really rushed with that though, so last year we changed it and now i always miss christmas morning, but i always have him from 2pm onwards. sucks missing that morning, BUT i am more than willing to trade off, and not have to rush anywhere.

i've found it hard to do things with my younger kids though, in case older DS thinks that he is missing out?? but this year we are starting our own new christmas morning traditions - one big present each, and then a bbq'd brekky before heading off to see dh's side - then home again, unwrapping pressies with ds, and then we go up the road to my mums for dinner. sounds chaotic but we have it down to a fine art now and i really think that over time - we have worked it out to be the best that it is going to get. definitley agree that you find your feet again as time goes on

Far as DD1 goes we don't have an 'official' agreement, but generally I have Gaby Christmas morning & then her father takes her for the afternoon/night [if she wants to stay].

DD2, her father is going to be living up here by Christmas (probably) so he said he's quite happy to take her in the afternoon and have her for a couple of nights... OR he'll be in Dunedin for Christmas, with his partners family - and will be up on Boxing Day.

I'm really really not looking forward to the year that one of the girls fathers asks to have them on Christmas Eve for the night. Can't imagine not having my girls on Christmas morning, but at the same time - I know that their fathers deserve a chance to have that too....

homie

When I first separated from exDH DD was 2 - for the first 3 years we shared half of xmas day each which usually involved me driving between Whitianga and Hamilton on xmas day while he relaxed with a beer and a BBQ somewhere

For the first time ever, he has asked her if she would like to spend the day with him (the last 4-5 years he hasn't even bothered to ring her on xmas day!) and since they seem to finally be building a better relationship, I've said yes - but I am SO, SO regretting it... even if she will be almost 14 and 'knows' about Santa and I'll be with DP and DS, it won't be the same on xmas morning

I think the hardest part has been keeping all the rellies on each side happy - I got sick of them sniping at me if they thought they'd been ripped off on who saw DD first!