Clem, is this dex's report on what ds1 / court counsellor has apparently said? If so, then we know you should take it with a grain of salt. I doubt the counsellor is getting the full picture if it relies on dex telling the tale.

I would try to set something up where you are able to address ds1's behaviour, directly to him, where the counsellor is informed of the actual facts, not dex's booze-induced fantasy-land. Ds1 definitely needs firm boundaries and to know what is and isn't acceptable. But don't give up contact, keep trying, he will thank you for it eventually.

The courts don't provide counseling, I would have to pay for it and its not done alone, we would attend together. BUT DEX would have to agree to this and bring DS1 to an appointment.

what did you decide, clem?? (sorry, the 'threads you remember' thing in OT got me wondering). i don't envy you having to make that kind of a choice

Well good timing I've had the counselor yesterday.

DEX is all for me having DS1 for christmas and for a week of the school holidays. But if he doesn't want to he doesn't have to apparently. Nobody will enforce a teen to visit their estranged parent as there is a huge runaway risk. I don't believe for a second DEX is actually being supportive and encouraging him. I don't believe for a second DS1 would run away either (Too lazy to fend for himself)

SO it seems I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I've also dug in my heels and made sure if he does come there will be someone else here to back me up that I'm not cruel and abusive towards him. DS1 is not happy about that and claims he won't come to my place if there is someone else there. So we will see if DEX actually wants to be supportive and encouraging as he seems to have other plans.

I sort of feel I need to protect myself in case DS1/DEX alleges something later on during counseling etc. We have used up our allocation for another year without things getting resolved. DEX refuses to meet me halfway with counseling for DS1 and I, stating it was my issue not his and he won't provide transport to counseling.

oh that sucks clem i hope he comes to you for christmas, i reckon it would be good for him. but then it blows that you have to have someone there to protect you/back you up in case there are allegations made later on. what a shitty situation.