At my 12 week scan, the technician picked up an abnormality. A CVS confirmed a chromosomal abnormality called Patau Syndrome aka Trisomy 13, which meant that my baby boy would never develop normally and would likely die in utero. The physical and mental deformities associated with the syndrome are so severe that I broke down several times just reading through the information. After consulatation with a fetal medicine specialist, we had to make the decision to either continue the pregnancy or terminate. It was the hardest decision I have ever faced. I loved this baby so much and it felt like a betrayal to even think of ending the pregnancy. I eventually made the decision to terminate and we started the process on a Thursday night in April. I was due to return to hospital to take the drugs that would start the miscarriage on Sunday, but on Saturday morning, at 13 weeks and 6 days, I went into labour naturally, and gave birth to my stillborn son. It has been five months since I lost Elijah, but the grief is still as intense as the day I miscarried. I think the fact that I had two earlier miscarriages (separated by our now 19 month old) hasn't helped. I feel like a failure, especially since we have not conceived again. And I feel terrible guilt for ending the pregnancy, even though it was the only choice. I wonder now if I will ever feel normal again.

ah, melani, you poor woman. what a terrible, terrible ordeal you have been through. i am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you.

guilt, anger and the deepest sadness of your life are all a normal part of this grief you will have to go through. five months down the track is very early days, it might as well have happened last week.

if it is any word of comfort, your little boy died and came on his own, and in his own time. the fact that you decided to end the pregnancy is testament to your great love for your family and for yourself, and your incredible bravery in the face of the worst decision any parent could ever have to make.

kia kaha my dear. be kind to yourself, and understand that this is a process of years, not months. you'll find a lot of lovely people here to communicate with.

Melani!!!

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of Elijah!

It is still early days for you...

and I feel for you having to make the decision you had to make...I had a similar decision to make, but after our 20 week scan...our precious much wanted baby girl was not going to make it. We also chose to go through with the induction and for the rest of my life I will feel guilty for my decision! I know there was no other way, my logic tells me this...but my heart tells me otherwise!

How is your partner coping?

Life can be just so very cruel! look after yourself, and please keep coming back here for support!

Thanks for your kind words. It is so good to know there are people out there who do actually understand the pain and grief of losing an unborn child. Even my partner thinks I should move on and stop dwelling on our loss. He was an absolute rock for me with all three miscarriages, and he understands grief, having lost his mother to cancer only a few years ago, but he doesn't understand how I can feel so strongly about babies I carried for such a short time (relatively).

Little Angel - due Nov 09
J - born Feb 10
Little Angel - due Aug 11
Little Angel Elijah - due Oct 11

First of all

It's a long journey, hun, and 5 months... still early days for you.



OMG I'M THE SAME! I found out at my 23 week scan (I'd been away on holidays so it was delayed) that my little girl had severe spina bifida and brain damage. I made the decision to terminate and while I know it was the best thing to do for her and for us, there's still a corner of my brain reminding me that I signed the paper authorising the doctor to stop her heart and induce me...

That was 5 years ago...

DFL - for me is still feels like yesterday, listening to all the info, and signing the forms...which was incredibly hard! Then going back to begin the process...and wondering around for the weekend like a zombie! indeed!

Anyway, Melani, I often say and think this - that although it was your and your partners baby...I'm sure that men just dont feel the same...this is just my opinion...but I feel the guilt...he doesnt. I can pull out a list as long as my arm of what I did wrong, what I could have changed, and how MY body failed my daughter...DH just feels sorry for me, and tells me not to feel guilty...but I just cant help it!

sorry I forgot I was typing this last night...haha! and now lost my train of thought!!

I was in France with my mum when it all happened and DH (now DX) was in NZ... All I can say is Thank God for travel insurance!

Melani - how are you doing?

MELANI Im so sorry for your loss. I too know how hard it is to lose a child. With our daughter there was nothing wrong and I still wonder why did this happen? Its not the Lords plan-its of the devil.

Thinking of you
XXx