Just found out a friend from school has lost her wee boy. I'm not sure of the details but she was left to go overdue after having earlier complications and being on bedrest. We aren't really close friends anymore but still would like to say something with offending/upsetting her??

Does anyone have any poems i could send her?

having lost a baby to stillbirth myself, i would recommend that you don't do a poem. it could so easily come off as trite and / or sentimental.

i don't mean to be rude, but the best possible thing you could do is go to the funeral, talk to her, visit her at home and take something practical like some food to eat while you're there and something to put in the freezer, because if no one cooks for her she may well not eat for a while.

one of the worst things about being lost in grief is that no one knows what to say to you, so they stay away. she's not going to break into a million pieces if you go to see her, or offer to help around the house, or just go for a cup of tea, or take her a big bag of fruit, or some food for the freezer, or a bottle of wine!!! if she doesn't want you there you will soon realise, i'm sure, and even so you will have shown your face, tried to help out and let her know that you care about this terrible thing that has happened to her.

best wishes with it. it is very hard to be a friend of a person who's lost a baby, i'm sure.

Thankyou beckydubs. All good ideas, will def do something like that for her. She lives in a small community and they all seem to be very close so i'm sure she (and her partner) are being well looked after.

I agree, I don't think a poem is needed, just a nice "thinking of you" card/flowers would be good? (and use his name, if you know it IYKWIM).

In terms of what to say, or what not to, it is a real minefield and I know everyone finds different things to be hurtful - but most likely your friend will just appreciate acknowledgement of the baby (name!) and their place in the family, and the fact it was a real death. You can let her guide the conversation as well, ask how SHE is, whether you can do anything, does she want to talk about it, and she will either open up or not.

Also, it is really lonely for a LONG time afterwards, especially when everyone elses lives move on. Pregnancy announcements are hard, strangers at the mall with babies are hard, baby showers are hard, Mothers Day/Christmas without a baby are hard etc etc. Down the line, others peoples expectation that you should be 'over it' by now is really tricky when you are still stuck in your little pit of grief. So I guess I am saying, its not just *this* time that you see her to be mindful of it.

Good luck, and you are a nice friend for thinking of her feelings.

So sorry to hear about your friend. I lost my little boy, stillborn at over term so my heart goes out to her.

It's hard to know what to say at these times, but it is so important to have someone talk about your baby, use his name and remember him in the days, months and years to come. I still remember a good friend of mine would drop in each week for a short period before / after she went to the gym to see how I was.

I know your friend will really appreciate your caring support.

Take care

J

I cannot agree more with Pinklady

You are a truly wonderful friend to want to know how to handle this in the best way possible.

Be there. Just be there. Acknowledge her baby, her loss, and let her be your guide.

Well done you. So many people don't know what to do or how to handle it, and they don't even bother to try. No THAT is frustrating.

At least things are far more out in the open these days. My Mother lost 2 babies full term (my MIL lost 1), and these babies were whisked away before they even had the chance to hold them. No closure with a public funeral and were advised to forget it, you are young and healthy - Have another one !

Unbelievable looking back isn't it. Thank goodness times have changed !

She's staying with her mum at the moment so we are going to get together and have a coffee and chat.

Thanks everyone for the advice, its much appreciated.