I was speaking to my sister today and mentioned that our darling Maia will be in 6 at the end of this month. Her reply was 'mmmmmmm'

The subject promptly changed. Shes a tiny soul whos no longer with us-she just deserves to be acknowledged.
She was here even though for a short time-her time was precious.

What do you do when family dont acknowledge your lost angel?

Explain as tactfully as emotions will allow, that your little Maia is as real to you as if she had lived and breathed on this earthly plane. Explain how hurtful her/their lack of acknowledgement is. Ignoring is not supportive. Get your frustration out in the open rather than letting it fester. Up front and honest regarding emotional issues doesn't have to be confrontational. It never ceases to amaze me how many families fail to deal with the issues that really matter. I share your frustration. Good Luck.

Trudes. My family is the same, Robin is not acknowledged/talked about. When its his birthday if I mention it to family I just get told to get over it, he wasn't even born alive so don't know why you go on about him. When DS was born the amount of family who commented 'your parents must be rapped to get their first grandson' to which I replied you mean second one. Then theres silence and change of subject. I've just had to accept that while Robin is important to us, because he's not here in person he's not acknowledge by family. He is still important to his Mum, Dad and little bro and will always be.

CAMON thanks for your message. Im sick to death of repeating myself to friends/family. Now I just dont say anything back. I did in the beginning but its like Im talking to a brick wall. I dont get anywhere and they just 'dont get it'

MUMMA2RnB Its like walking on egg shells-no one wants to upset us! Were the only ones who are comfortable talking about and acknowledging our daughter. Robin will always be your 1st child. Brendens big brother.

I hear you totally Trudes. Repeating yourself is so tiresome. The majority of people are so ignorant of others emotions : low e.q (as there is iq there is also eq, and most people are sadly lacking in eq even if they rank ok on the iq scale !)

i admire you women for repeating yourselves and trying to get the message across. to me it is a stance you are taking to acknowledge and honour and remember your little ones.

when i talk about J it's usually if i'm making reference to the time we lost him, or the time soon after that, or even to the memorial tree / rosebush we have ...

i find that when i do refer to J i get a quiet response, but not a "non" response or an anti response ... and usually, soon after, the subject is naturally changed. so i guess my experience is a bit different from what you are describing.

big hugs. it's hard and it keeps on being hard.

PS my little boy would be 29 months now. i feel it hard when i see families whose eldest is the same age as ours, but who have their next one with them ... and they are about two and a half, same as J would be. people notice that we have quite a gap between our eldest (nearly five) and our youngest (only one) but they're always too polite to comment.

Trudes im sorry your sister dismissed your feelings like that I don't know if your sister has children or not, but I wonder if she just doesn't get it.

Lots of the ladies on here, including myself think of Maia often, especially around birthdays and big events, I watch Liam and know that we are lucky to watch him travel through life and his age/stage and know how much you give to have those/these moments too. I know that this doesn't make what your sister did OK. Im not very good at saying what I feel, especially when my feelings have been hurt, but do you think you might feel better saying something to your sister.

I wish life had turned out differently for you in the last 6 years since, because I know having another baby does soften the edges of grief, not the love or dreams you had for your baby, but the weight of them missing from your life isn't so heavy burden to carry.

I don't know what you can do to make others feel what you do, maybe you can't, but you can make them aware of how it makes you feel.

xxxxx

I often feel emotional when we approach little Maias birthday. It always takes us back to the day we held our beautiful little girl in our arms. How perfect she was-just sleeping. Im filled with so much sadness for her-all that she has missed out on, all we have missed out on.

Shipmate I know another child wont ever replace Maia and Id never want someone to either but I do believe it will replace the sharp pain with a bluntness that will always be there but not as prominent.

Thanks for your responses.



XXx

I can't begin to imagine that sadness Trudes, just thinking about it is gut renching, living it would be unbearable no one should suffer like that.

Maia will never be replaced but I agree another baby to hold and love would help with those sharp edges, surely surely surely it has to be your turn soon!!!

I agree with everything that Shipmate said. It makes me sad around the kids birthdays that you and Bumpy aren't celebrating and watching your kids running around like we get to.

I think the reason people don't talk about them is exactly what Mumma2RnB said - we are worried about upsetting you. I am absolutely gobsmacked that someone would just tell you to get over it, life goes on etc.

My best friend lost her baby 11yrs ago (this month) and it is only now, and probably with the help/knowledge gained from this board, and a bit of maturity too that I have really started talking to my friend and using his name instead of T's baby who died or tip toeing around it. I guess I've come to realise that it is ok and that she does like him being acknowledged.

For his birthday last year I gave them petrol $ to get to our house and we had a beautiful sunny bbq with another group of friends and even had a birthday cake

I dunno what I'm saying really... maybe that just because we don't say anything it doesn't mean we aren't thinking of them and you.

MUMMYT Yes I too probably wasnt too comfortable talking about someone who had passed away let along a child.

DH and I openly talk about Maia often. When someone asks if we have children we always mention Maia.
Our familys know we like to talk about Maia and about what shed look like and what shed lve to do, dancing etc?
We just get no response. Its very much a one sided conversation.
It saddens us alot.

As we still have empty arms, to talk about Maia as she IS a part of our lives, is all we have. To not acknowledge her would be a sin.

Thanks for your message

PS(love the comment DD said about DAD listening to you )

aie trudes it is so hard. it is because people who haven't been through the loss that we have been through cannot get it. it is impossible for them to get it and as humans we are uncomfortable with what we cannot control and do not understand. Unfortunately there are no guidelines how to deal with baby loss for ourselves, let-alone for our families.

Mine and my husbands family are the exact same. I used to get so upset, now I just get sad. I talk with the people around me who do get it and that helps.

I will visit Maia's grave and place some purple flowers for her (and you and your husband).

Please continue to talk to us, we love to share your memories and help with your pain.

PAPER oh that make me want to cry-re you leaving flowers for her. Thats so caring. Thank-you.
Im going to do a new planting for her and surprise DH when he gets back. He arrives home the day before her birthday so well be able to release 6 pink balloons for her birthday. (we do each year).

I'm sorry your family don't know how to respond.(I wonder if they don't know how to deal with their own feelings and as they are not her parents find it easier to bury it? and thus don't have the tools to react the way you would like? )

Often think of Maia and Amelie, when I watch what my girl is upto and her friends.
- Each year Laura and I do one thing together in memory of them both (In the last couple of years Laur chooses what we do, last year we released a balloon and she sent 2 small dolls in a bottle out to sea for her missing friends - her choice). She knows about them and what happened.

As usual words fail me, and I am less than clear I guess the key points are, Us the July/Aug 05 mum family always remember your girl, and hurt for you but also celebrate that she was here and wonder what she would like, and the funny things she would say and do.

KARYSTA hey there. How are you? Cant believe Benjamin is almost 2!
Yes I remember you telling me that you do tat for Maia and Amelie.

How special that is. Family do find it difficult to talk about our darling daughter.
They do forget. Even yesterday Mum asked me isnt it better to buy baby clothes a little bigger? How would I know? Im the only daughter who doesnt have a child to dress. I did say something and it ended in silence

Off to work for a 14 hour day! Feel tired already! Will be sleeping the next 2 days

Oh Trudes That sentence really got to me... my heart goes out to you. Kia Kaha.

And for the record... my DH's grandmother lost 2 babies at 30+ weeks and she has not contacted us since we lost Angela. You would think someone who had been thru it would understand and show compassion. But some don't. Maybe old school, told to forget and get on with it. I dunno. I spose that is why we have good friends (like ones on this board) who understand, and are there for us when we need them.

Families....

DENZ Wow youd think shed share her experience as she knows exactly how you, your DH and family feel.
Lovely ladies like yourself on this board acknowledge our lost angles like Angela.
Oh my goodness its almost her 1st birthday. Ill light a candle for her

I am good, we moved over to Ellerslie in April we aren't too far from the village, which is a mixed blessing (too many coffee places ;))

Wow 14 hours! I'm tired just reading that.

KARYSTA oh yay didnt know you were back in AKL-let me know if you ever want to catch up-last time we saw each other we had fat tummies :-)

I've been trying to respond for a few days!

I'm so sorry your family arent more understanding! My family are the same...so are DH's family too...for them all it's something "bad" that happened, and should be swept under the carpet!

I do wonder weather it's worth talking to them about how you feel...I am considering that, I now and again tell my mum, but all to often get told that it's not normal to be grieving this long! I sometimes think it's an exclusive club, that no one else will ever understand until they have gone through it too...

I hope that you will have a little miracle in your arms soon!

Hi DEEDZ yes it is very much swept under the carpet from their pint of view. Weve spoken to them about it alot but nothing changes. Its saddens me but we just have to accept it.
There are no rules re grieving-no one can tell you its not normal to be grieving this long! You grieve anyway you went and for how long you want. Its a personal journey.

Thinking of you and wee Rosa (Maia will be holding her hand)

Ahh, yes we moved back last year (were living on the shore) Been in Ellerslie since April. Would absoulutly love to catch up whenever suits you :-) (hehe I remember that, it was at St Lukes)

Yes we had our 'BABY lists of what to buy. How many stretch-n-grows etc.

Ohhhh, thanks. Yeah - November IS NOT THAT FAR AWAY! I am feeling very emotional at the moment cause she was conceived on the 7th July and it was around this week that I found out I was pregnant and all those emotions seem to be coming back. I feel so stupid to have it all going thru my head, but I can't stop it.

Deedz

Families! I do not mention Angela with the family. Just not worth going there. Like you said, we have to accept that. Her brothers, mother and father keep her memory alive amongst us.
In fact, I have purposly "ignored" my family this year, cause I just cannot "do it". Just cannot do the family thing, hear all about their crap, etc.

Ahh, thats enough out of me....

DENZ I know how you feel re all the reminders. I remember when we conceived Maia, he day we did several HPTs, getting a bump, feeling her kick, setting up her room, giving birth, holding her for the 1st time, bringing her home so on and so on. I even remember the exact time I was induced, the nurses names what time we arrived at the hospital and were told the shocking news. Its all so vivid in my memory like it was yesterday-not 6 years ago.
I DONT want to ever forget these memories even though they fill up that small cup of water in my heart and make me cry. Its all we have left of her-the memories.
They are so precious.

Its a shame that family are missing out on sharing the memories with you. Little Angela is in a very safe place with Maia and all the other beautiful angels. She didnt suffer. Its the ones that are left behind that do all the suffering.

Hope you dont mind me asking but was your story in the Baby Gone Book? Ours was. I read it only when I can. Its too sad for me to read too much at one time.
Thinking of you.
XXx

You have such a lovely way with words...

No my story is not in Baby Gone. But it is on the myangel website if you want a read. I have read some storys... what is the title of yours (if you do not mind)? I find some really hard to read and some I can read ok. I think the miscarriage ones I can read easier than the late or infant loss ones. Not sure why, maybe cause I feel closer and can relate to the later ones so it pulls my heart strings more. Oh, and infertility with miscarriage/loss gets me too. It must be so hard and heartbreaking...

Better go get the kids off to school and ready for work. Have a good day Trudes.

Hi DENZ Our story is on page 176. Its called Silent Sorrow.
Actually my wonderful DH wrote every word. I commend him on doing an amazing job and to have the strength to do so

Will have to have a read tonite... thanks

TRUDES I always need tissues close by when I read the sad stories!

Trudes, I read your story last night. You DH sounds incredible to put his feelings down like that... most men are not so open! I loved the bit about (and I do not remember the exact quote) God has a plan for us all. I totally agree with that. God cooks in funny pots and we are not always sure why but we have to accept that he knows best. I have the same thought about TTC... we did not plan Angela AT ALL and if it happens again, it happens. If not, it is all part of his plan. I will question to the day I meet him "why" - but one day this will be answered.... when I have my daughter back in my arms. Your DH has hit the nail on the head with so many issues...

I cannot comprehend how you must feel, with getting so close to having your daughter, having her taken away from you, and then having trouble conceiving since. I know i would be a total mess if it was me, and I admire your strength and how you two have such faith, a strong bond and love for each other.

Thank DENZ Ive sent you a PM.

I agree Denz...often leaves me at a loss for words for you Trudes ... it's a HUGE thing to loose a much loved child...and then to face issues TTC ASWELL!!

I often feel as though I have nothing to be complaining about when I have been SO blessed...

I need to buy that book, but have been avoiding it...as I know it will be quite emotional reading the stories!

Hi DEEDZ how are you? It makes me smile knowing our little girls are all happy together! (dancing with flowers in their hair!) Rosa, Angela and Maia XXX

The book is for sale on TM. The author is selling them freepost. I know they were selling fast in bookshops.

Yes its definetly a slow read for me-1 or 2 stories at a time and a large box of tissues!

Oh my gosh the suns out again-hpefully for 5 mins longer than the last time

Gee cannot believe how many are selling on TM!
They seem cheap but add postage.

Buy off My Angel!!! Same price as Jenny's RRP ($29.99) and also postage included!!! Please... support My Angel!

DENZ didnt know they were selling on My Angel!

We got one from the author as our story was published but gave that copy away to a friend whos been TTC for 5 years.

Weve since brought another copy but plan to give that away for friends we know who are struggling with TTc or Loss of a child.

Will buy our next one from My Angel! :-)

Thats cool Trudes. Yes I am selling on behalf of Jenny... all good when we stick together and help people out. Same with Baby Sam... that was written by a local Sands member. I sell it for no profit, just want to help people out. We need to stick together in this club

Youre so right! It is an exclusive Club-but one we all wish we werent a part of.

Makes you wanna scream at people sometimes, doesn't it?

Oh I love the Baby Sam book!! I got a chance to read it at the Sands Training in Welly last year.
I got a copy of the Baby Gone book but I haven't really read much in it yet. I'll go read on page 176.

My mum is the only one in my family to acknowledge Chloe, apart from DX and DD. My friends all know about her and know her angelversary is coming. It's a date I'm both dreading and looking forward to. 5 years this year...

DS asked about the plaque on the mantelpiece for the first time every (he's nearly 4) 2 months ago. I told him about his big sister who died and he was very curious. DD was 2 1/2 when we lost Chloe and I'm not sure what she actually remembers but she likes to talk about her to any and sundry.

Sands Wanganui is running a Grief and Loss Workshop for Kids and DD is soooo excited to be going to it.