I'm after some ideas on how to cope with coffee group girls talking about having no 2. Realistically I don't think I'll experience another pregnancy after our struggle getting DS and also age against me now, don't get me wrong if I got pregnant tomorrow I'd be estatic/scared. I'm the oldest of the group and have been open about our struggles, not sure if that was the right thing to do, hindsight is a great thing. Anyway we meet up weekly, last week one of the girls piped up and asked who was trying for no 2? I just ignored it and focussed on DS. Then last night we had a get together without the babies and it was the topic of conversation. I couldn't get up and leave cause a group of us arrived in one car and it wasn't mine. I know this is going to be the topic of conversation from now on, so need to find someway of coping without the others feeling they can't talk about things when I'm around. I meet up with some lovely EBBers once a month which I count down for, we've been through the trials of fertility issues/loss. I have a lot more in common with them than my antenatal group. Does anyone know of any coffee groups in Auckland for mums after fertility or mums who only have one child, whether by choice or not. I need something because we are older parents, all of our friends have children old enough to have children of their own, so our lives are going in different directions. Other friends I have don't have children, some through choice some not. I want DS to grow up with friends his own age so feel I need to do something to widen my circle of friends.

The best way to cope with anything is to be honest. Finding the courage to discuss your fertility issues will be hard, but you can give the coffee group "the short version". This won't prohibit them from discussing it again, but may help to moderate their conversation out of courtesy to you. All Mother's need to respect others fertility and choices regarding further procreation. I have been in several situations over the years similar to this, with women like yourself simply coming out and stating facts. It may cause a moment of temporary embarasssment, but beyond that, mature intelligent women can cope with the reality, and move on.
Stick with the group if they prove themselves by coping with this well. You and DS should have one or two (at least) good friends for life ! Best of luck !

I agree, just be honest about how you would love to have number 2!! Is it YOU that is feeling uncomfortable? Or do you think you are making them uncomfortable? If its the latter as long as you are open and honest Im sure noone will be uncomfortable.

Thanks MM - Its me that feels uncomfortable, cause I would dearly love DS to have a sibling but I don't know if I'll be that lucky and hit the jackpot twice after being told that it would never happen unless we found a donor. Also a couple of the ladies have commented that its mean to only have one child cause they will grow up lonely

So these people have made that comment when they know you quite possibly cant have anymore? Thats outrageous and very thoughtless. You need to stand up for yourself and point out that its juts not that easy for some people. Also, dont forget you have a lot of lovely friends from here that I know you see regularly, who totally understand and empathise with your situation. Brendan wont ever grow up lonely. Even though some of the children are slightly older, in a few years, the 18 month age gap wont be large at all.

Ive always been very vocal about our struggles, as it appears you have, so just keep that up too. Our infertility, and your loss, is nothing to be ashamed about, and is part of who you are. The women will only feel like they cant talk about it in front of you, if you act uncomfortable when the conversation is raised. And it is going to be raised, not just by them, but by lots of people probably.

Its something I think you probably need to work through yourself, and while thats not easy, I think once you accept that it may not happen, it will make it easier to deal with when the topic arises, iykwim. Have you thought about talking it through with a counsellor. I dont want you to admit defeat, as you are proof that miracles do indeed happen, but maybe if you talked about the realities with someone, and your associated feelings, things may be easier to cope with. If you dont want to talk to a counsellor, how about a one on one with one of your friends who does only have one child (not by choice) I think you know who Im talking about!

As for the coffee group, like any topic, you should just say your piece, share your opinion and listen to the others. In one of my coffee groups, the majority are ALOT better off than I am financially, and often talk about things that while I aspire to are pretty unrealistic for us, ie overseas holidays, investment properties, new cars etc. While that cant POSSIBLY compare to the desire to have another child, my point is I still participate in the conversation. I hope I am making sense.... Feel like I am rambling a bit.

Lastly, big hugs, I do understand, and while I am on the flipside of being lucky enough to be having number two after already getting so lucky adopting Malakai, I had already began to accept it probably wasnt going to happen for us.

I am so hearing you after many years trying for our son then finally getting pregnant with the help of FA we only had one. It was our choice due to our age, a difficult pregnancy and also his health issues.
Hes now 9 and over the years it has been hard as our close group of friends all have older children even grandkids and some chose not to have families so we were always the ones that I felt got "left out"
It does get easier, once they start school you meet a new group of friends with people your child's age.Sports to helps to bond with other family's with kids of a similar age
I still get the comments about the only child. I was a only child so for me its normal. I do feel sad that he wont have siblings. All his cousins are in there 20s, I worry about him later in life when we are old and grey but hes happy we are happy and he will be financially secure and the love we have given him he will take forward and that's all that matters
I to use to feel like you with the when are you having number 2 line or its mean to have only one, hes going to grow up a spolt prat.. at the end of the day people need to "but out" and respect the fact that it isnt always that easy.... life doesnt pan out the way we had hoped and dreamed I used be upfront and tell people that puts it back on them there stupid comments makes them feel bad for "presuming"

Oh Mumma2RnB,
People are so thoughtless and so wrapped up in their own little bubbles, especially if they themselves have never had any issues with fertility etc. It's really hard on you and i know what you mean about not wanting to keep repeating yourself about how you would love to have another if it was at all possible whenever the subject comes up.
Unfortunately i don't know any groups in Auckland but have been lucky that 4 of us in our antenatal group were in similar situations and have banded together and while I have been lucky to have no 2, i get very angry on behalf of the others when people makes thoughtless comments to them. Sometimes i am sorely tempted to handbag them.
I don't know what to suggest but just wanted to send you a

Ugh, I've walked this road for a long time. I even had some guy who kept badgering me at DH's work parties about "When is #2 gonna happen?" he would make all sorts of embarrassing comments like we were not having sex enough or one time he told me it was because DH wasn't "hitting it right"

I agree with honesty, I would just say when it comes up in conversation "B is #2 and it's heart breaking to think that there probably wont be more for us". I would hope that if you have good friends that they'll catch the hint in conversation.

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough ride with this, people can be thoughtless

First, I am so thrilled to see you have been blessed, after reading your stories over the years. I still can't believe people are so insensitive but then they haven't walked in our shoes so they just don't understand.

Re the 'loneliness' thing. Its absolute BS. I have had one DD for 6.5 years and she has never been lonely to my knowledge. She has a warm, loving set of parents, beautiful friends and a caring if distant extended family (and no cousins!). She never suffers for company, and is constantly in demand for playdates with her school mates and friends from other parts of her life. She has connected like a cousin with the neighbour's two older children and I couldn't be happier with the social aspect of her life for her.

My DH and I have made an effort to be involved in our neighbourhood and school and as a result DD feels like she is part of a meaningful community. SInce she started school I have been privileged to not work fulltime so I am always there to collect and drop her, so she knows we are there for her always.

If anyone dared to say she was lonely I would probably take a mallet to their head! Being a single (not only) child has been a true blessing to our sensitive souled DD, and I would now look back and despite our heartbreaks with IF I can honestly say she has had a very special upbringing. She is not spoiled.

Having become pg after many years of trying recently, and much to our surprise, having pretty much given up hope and on the verge of putting all the gear on TM, I now face the equally challenging aspect of defending this to friends who also only have one at present. You really can't win! One school-mum burst into tears when I told her and confessed she had such a hard time getting her one son in her 40s, and my news gave her mixed emotions. But at least she was honest with me and I could also be with her.

At this point if this pg doesn't work out, I have made a very strong conscious decision that though I may mourn the possibilities, I will not put myself, DD or my DH through another FET or IVF cycle. My one DD is so precious and I will celebrate that I have her. We have so much to be thankful for, having one child allows many choices not otherwise possible, and the risk to my health and sanity means I won't regret that decision if it comes to it. We may look at fostering when DD is in her teens.

No one that hasn't experienced such difficult things can possibly understand the confusion and fear associated with the prospect of another pregnancy.
Hugs