Hi,
One of my BF's found out yesterday that her 20 week bubba had no heartbeat, sac was big, but bubba was measuring a bit smaller than her dates so they *think* it may have died a bit earlier. She has an appointment on Thursday with a specialist to discuss things ...

What can she expect? What can I do to help? She is someone who grieves very privately, so I don't want to intrude (I already bowled up with flowers and hugs today as I was in town and couldn't just do nothing when i found out) and ring every two seconds to see if she's ok (if that makes sense).

to your friend. I had to terminate my last pregnacy at 21 weeks due to bubs having potters syndrome which isn't compatable with life. She will probably be given heaps of counselling giving her a chance to talk about options, etc. When you have a baby after 20 weeks you need to register their birth which I found at the time very hard to do but looking back it helped with the grieving process and it acknowledges that we are parents. She will probably have to give birth naturally which is probably the hardest part but they can pump her up with pain relief if she wants it.

She sounds a bit like me, I like to grieve privately and be left alone and hate a fuss. Unfortunately I'm inclined to push away well meaning people, even DH was pushed away as I was dealing with the grief of our loss. In hindsight I'm surprised he stuck by me but since having Robin our relationship has got stronger. I coped better if I didn't have to talk to people, so maybe text or email your friend and let them know you're there for them when they want you. Let them contact you when they're ready to talk. If someone rang me I often tried to avoid to answer the phone cause I knew I'd break down, whereas text/email replies are easier cause the other person doesn't need to know that you're down.

I got heaps of support from this board, so if she feels up to it you should direct her to the stillborn thread where other ladies stories are. I found comfort reading them cause it made me realise I'm not the only one having to go through a loss.

Sorry if I've rabbited on a bit much, but lots of love and hugs to your friend

for your friend

be prepared to be there for her in the weeks and months to come
also be prepared to talk about her baby if she wants to do so
its really hard when everyone arround you seems to forget about your baby or doesnt understand your need to talk about them
make a point of recording the date she found out her baby had died as well as the date of the funeral (if they have one)
as she will remember these dates for the rest of her life and feel even more depresed if nobody around remembers then and wonders why they are down at that point in time

Suggest they take lots of photos and get hand and foot prints



we have a cabnet that contains our twins ashes as well as some small soft toys we were given for our twins, I tend to collect little angel statues if I see some that take my fancy,
we have an album full of photos taken every moment from when they arrived, Since we had other children we took photos of our twins with their siblings letting the other children hold them if they wanted we also had a family photo taken including them (being SOO small you cant really tell I'm olding anything other then a shawl)

So so much love to your friend. My heart breaks for her thinking what she maybe feeling right at this very moment & also in anticipation for Thursday
I'm so sorry to read this.
I agree with RobinsMummy, texts & emails are infinitely better. Hearing the phone ring & even just the thought of explaining her heartache may be too overwhelming for your friend. Esp if people keep ringing.
Good on you for posting & reaching out on her behalf xx

How awful for your friend PK!
We lost our little girl at 20 weeks, I was medically induced due to my baby having a very horrible condition that made her "not compatable with life" and they very strongly suggested the induction or I wouldnt be allowed the choice in the future to have more children. Awful decision...anyway, your friend will have to have an induction from what I understand, it will be like a regular induction, and the labour will be like a regular labour, except of course you dont need to get to 10cm dilated and the baby of course is a lot smaller, which makes the actual delivery less painful from what I understand compared with the delivery of a full term baby.

From what I went through - and still am 3 months down the track...deff talk to her about her baby, and how important s/he is to their family, and also to you as a friend. It's VERY important that others dont just try and forget about this babies life.

I too grieve inwardly, but dont let that put you off by thinking she is ok, when actually she might not be!! Everyone assumes as I dont break down and cry infront of others that I'm ok and dealing with everything ok, which is not always the case!!

I couldnt agree more with taking LOTS AND LOTS and lots of photo's...your friend will never get that chance ever again!!

Hopefully your friend will receive counselling...unfortunately DH and I fell through the cracks at our hospital and only received a 5-10 min session while I was in labour...

Also agree with the contact via FB or text etc, as you can sit and bawl your eyes out while replying, and still get out what you need to...there is also a thread on here...20 things mums of angels wish you knew...have a wee read in there...but good on you for being so fantastic and supportive for your friend...all I can say it just dont avoid her or be scared to talk to her...

Oh and of course point her in the direction of this board too...

Just wanted to send you & your friend lots of love PK You’re an awesome friend for wanting to find out more to help her.

The ladies on here have given you great advice

Few other things you could do to make life easier for your friend;

- Drop meals off that are easy to heat up
- Make sure she has a camera so lots of pics can be taken
- If she has other kids, offer to take them out for the day – but also understand she may need them now more than ever
- If you feel OK doing it, offer to do things like contacting a cemetery/crematorium to find out info on behalf of your friend – and offering to be there for anything else she needs to do
- As the others said, txt/email your friend, sometimes seeing people face to face is unbearable
- Find out bubs birth month flowers (both the EDD month and the month bubs was actually born)
- Respect her (and her partners) decisions and don’t judge her if you feel she should be doing things a different way (I say this because from my experience, people were incredibly judgemental)

One of the most important things is that your friend doesn't have any regrets - I'm thankful that I have none, but I know some people regret not taking enough photos (or not taking them with siblings/parents - she never has to look at them again if she doesn't want to, but they're there), some regret not seeing their bub naked, some regret not kissing their bub ... I could go on forever.

If bubs died before 20 weeks she may not be able to register bubs which I imagine she’d find very tough if that is the case. We chose to be induced once we’d had all the tests confirming Kama’s condition wasn’t compatible with life, so it didn’t feel right prolonging the inevitable, but I did consider continuing the pregnancy until 20 weeks so I could get some recognition for my daughter – that was a very tough decision but I 100% feel we made the right one.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit...

I think pointing her in the direction of this board is a great idea - even if it's just for her to read about other mummys of angels experiences.

I've sent her this link. I think she's an amazing woman, and just wish I could do more ... I tend to prattle on but hopefully not too much

I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's losses. Why does life have to be so hard?

I also lost my wee boy due to preterm birth. He was born at 24 weeks and lived for 8 weeks in NICU before passing. It was the toughest time of our lives and like Robbinsmummy said, it made me and DH closer. There's nothing anyone can do/say to make things easier. It's that time of your life that you just have to go through. Time is the best healer. It's been almost 2 years since we lost our baby but I still burst into tears some nights just thinking about him. But it has become easier to accept now than when it happened.

Hi guys ... well it is coming up to my friends due date and i have a wee gift for her BUT i have no idea about how to approach it/what to write in a card etc. Ideas?

Anything Pigkey - if she knows you have remembered and are thinking of her that is enough My family/friends tend not to bring it up at all on special dates - I dont know if its because they have forgotten or simply dont want to 'remind me' - either way its a bit hard because people dont realise that we (the parents) dont forget and actually LIKE the acknowledgement Actually 1 person does usually send a text on those days and it is really nice

You are a good friend

sorry to type and run but i agree with sparkle.

I would deff send a card, I was VERY touched by anyone who remembered it was my due date, and who even just said they were thinking of what was to be...and didnt eventuate. I'm sure she will be very grateful for any support and special messages you decide to share with her. We held a memorial service/funeral on our DD's due date instead of when she passed, as it was just too much! But in that way, we had lots either remembering or being reminded...either way it was awesome, I was happy that someone was thinking of my little girl, and that she wasnt just missed by DH and I...

You are doing a wonderful thing!!

A card a text ANYTHING would be appreciated, I am sure.

Oh mum of 5 angels. How do you live??? I can only but imagine how strong a women you must be to go through this loss 5 times! I wish you , with all my heart, all the best for this pregnancy!!

So I sit here, at 3am in the dark. Crying. 15 hours ago I was told my baby is not alive. And the pain is still so strong. I wonder when will it go away? Will it ever go away? I am enjoying the quiet of the night. I wish the morning will never come, when real life sets in again. I just watched videos of my 12 week scan - where I could see my baby kick and his/her heart beating. What went wrong I keep asking myself. I am not looking forward to the days ahead where I have to go through labour and come home empty handed.

Why does god test us in these ways?

Reading through the posts you ladies have put on here helps me. I am not alone in my grief, I am not the first, nor the last to feel this pain. And the support from EBB members has been increadible.

I just had to write and say thanks for your openess and honesty - I have posted, but I am sure there are people who read your posts only for comfort, and do not reply.

Hi Denz, and I'm so sorry to read your very sad news. Your pain is still very very raw, and will be for a wee while to come At this stage there are no answers or comforting words anyone can really give you either, as you go through this terrible time. It is really a lonely journey, and I urge you to speak to your DH/DP and not to bottle it up inside, of course there is lots of support here on EBB too.

Best of luck for the trying times ahead, I am always here if you want to chat, or in PM if you prefer. Take care

Oh Denz, I was in tears reading your post! Brings back so many memories of how I felt, 5 years ago almost. 5 years on it still feels raw at times.

I am so so so sorry.

Hugs for you. I have wondered about living sometimes but as you are probably finding it's amazing the strength you find!

Gosh you are probably feeling so many things right now but as you have already realised this board is great!

It's pretty isolating when you lose a baby past the so called safe stage if you are like me you probably don't just run into them in everyday life.

Just a technical question. I noted you were 19 weeks when you lost your baby. If your labour is induced when you are 20 weeks or baby is over 400 grams, he will be classed as stillborn. The reason that matters is that if he classed legally as stillborn then you are entitled to things such maternity leave(if you are working) and also a birth certificate.

Regardless I do urge you to contact your branch of SANDS (they help families that have lost a baby at any stage of pregnancy) I see you are in Tauranga. I have met some of the Bay of Plenty SANDS mummies they are lovely.

It is a really helpful organisation and one of the only reasons i have come through this!

Denz I wish I could take the pain away, just when you think all is going well the rug is taken away from under you it brings back memories from 3.5 years ago. We lost our boy at 21 weeks and it still seems like yesterday instead it was 3.5 years ago. You're very early in your grieving process, the next few days/weeks will be hard. I found once I gave birth to Robin it allowed me the chance to grieve. Until then I just hoped it was all a bad dream. I also found at night I couldn't sleep so would sit in the dark watching tv, hoping morning didn't come so I couldn't have to deal with the emotions. We're all here for you, just wish you didn't have to join us IYKWIM. Feel free to PM if you want, but we're thinking of you

denz, just really agreeing with everything everyone else has said and wishing to hell you didn't have to go through what you're going through.

i'm so very sorry.

not words, just my thoughts and wishing you all the strength I can