We certainly aren't here to judge you in your time of mourning, so please don't feel like you need to apologise. I agree that we are all guilty of having some really "black thoughts" that we haven't really meant, but I do think its all part of the coping mechanism of grief.

Big hugs Denz, I have sent you a PM.

Take care.

Denz

Completely agree with what beckydubs said Don't know what to add because she said it so perfectly...

You're not complaining, or selfish ... you're grieving, and all these thoughts, questions, the 'whys' and 'what ifs' are completely normal - and you have every right to feel the way you do.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this Denz

xx xx

Oh Denz....HUGE hugs! I know personally I've been there myself! For me I chose the route of have 1-2 drinks everynight...as thats all I needed to "feel" just disconnected enough...and then I moved onto energy drinks as I wanted to TTC straight away! I drank several everyday...and it kept me on a buzz...and I think that helped me personally!! Not recommending anything here...just saying what I did...what I needed...I'm glad you are getting some sleep with the sleeping pills!

Good on you for contacting Sands!!!! It was something I didnt feel quite "right" to do...and I have been along to one meeting, but not again since I'm pregnant and dont want the others to look at me and feel those feelings that I used to feel towards other pregnant mums...those same ones you are having now! SO very normal!! I was SOOO angry and upset and it didnt feel normal to me, but when talking to others, I realised just how normal it can be to have such awful thoughts!

I think it is HORRIBLE to loose a baby after you have already carried a baby to term...as you KNOW what you are loosing out on...you know you are meant to come home from the hospital after the birth with a live baby!

I can honestly say as the others too...time will help...talking will too...anyone who will listen, understand, and let you cry!!

The best piece of advice I can offer you at the moment...is TALK to you DH! Dont shut him out...it's really important to stay strong together as much as you can! Look at the photo's of your baby girl...I find it a bit hard at the moment...even 10 months down the line...I find it hard...I still have bad days...weeks...and I had this funny idea that falling pregnant was going to be a super cure all...LOL! It was a step I NEEDED to take...

Take it easy...and do keep coming back on here to talk/vent/cry!

Denz it is actually healthy that you are voicing those black thoughts and feelings, they are valid thoughts and feelings. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to feel. To lose a baby is to lose innocence and hope and a whole life - it is no small thing. Let your tears come, say how you are feeling, it is all perfectly okay. It doesn't matter what other people think either you know, because how you feel is how you feel, and what you think is what you think. You have been robbed, and only people who have been there will truly understand.

You can tell us how you are feeling, we understand and don't judge you. We are your safe place.

You guys are swell.

It is comforting to know that what I am feeling is normal. As someone said, my life has a new normal now. I am taking comfort in Jared, holding him and kissing him more. He is in my arms and though it is not Angela, putting my love for her into him helps and heals. But alone time to sob is good too.

Sparkle, Congrats on Jacob's birth, I hope he pulls through for you and you have him home soon.

Deedz and PinkLady - good luck with your upcoming births. You have both been a tower of strength for me and I hope god repays your kidness with healthy, happy babies (and super easy births!)

Everyone, your unjudgmental and touching way with words have really helped me out. Yes I sit here and cry while reading... but I cry for me, and I cry for you too. It is not fair that you know how I feel. But your sadness, loss and unselfishness to share has helped me immensely and for that I thank you endlessly.

I am sure my journey is nowhere near the end - I have many dates to get through in the next few months... and I am sure they do not end on my EDD! But each day seems just a little, just a little, rosier.....

just wanted to add that i'm thinking of you still, and we all understand the utter grief and anger that takes over.