Hi, I am a father and I don't know what to do anymore.
My wife asked for a separation out of the blue and two days later took our two children away to another city in another island against my opposition. Her parents helped her take the children away.
I was told to go straight to the family court to have the children returned to their home within 24 hours, but I sincerely believed my wife would have a mental breakdown if that happened, and our baby was only 9 months old at the time and needed a mum.
I have avoided taking my wife to court so far but I am facing bankruptcy from the weekly airfares plus all the relationship debts I have been left with. The IRD has completely screwed me in a deeply unfair process and I can't afford a lawyer to go to the family court for a departure order. The IRD doesn't count the children being taken away as 'special circumstances'.
I have no foreseeable career future in the city in which the children now live. There has been a management reshuffle at my workplace and I am getting ominous noises about my unofficial arrangement which has allowed me to be with the kids for three days a week.
I don't think I can hold myself together for much longer. I can't think of any option that doesn't either involve my going bankrupt or not seeing the children, or both.
Suicide is constantly in my brain, but I feel that I can't even do that because of the children. I just don't know what to do.

Kia Ora,

Just hang in there. I know it sounds stupid, but you gotta hang in there. I can hear you are devestated and desperate, it sucks that you are going through this.

A solution will works it's way out.... it always does, just when you simply can not take it any more.

I am going to go and find a phone number that you could call.

As an aside, here are also less severe bankruptcy alternatives like the No Asset Procedure if you debts are under $40,000.

Right now the most important thing you can do is stay calm and take care of you.

Try this

http://www.wellink.org.nz/services/warmline.htm

Call us on 0800 200 207

or this one is 24/7: Life Line 0800 543 354

Have you checked whether you qualify for legal aid? If not, some lawyers will reduce their fee based on circumstances.

I def think you need to get some legal advice, & get mediation/counselling which is free through the courts).

Is there any way you can organise some form of mediation with you and your ex?

If not, talk to people, tell them your situation. You never know who might be able to help you.

Stay strong and like Queen K says, hang in there. Keep your children in mind and keep going for them.

Gabe, sorry to hear of your problems.Some of the larger centres have a Community Law Service which could be of benefit to you - your Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to push you in the right direction.

Good luck

Please come back and give us an update.

community law services are awesome (and freee), they will advise you if you might be eligible for legal aid, and what steps you could take.
I would apply for the family counselling that is free through the family court (i think you get 6 sessions) it is a mix of counselling/mediation it can be had apart/together and can be based just around custody etc, and any agreements reached can be put down in writing by the mediator/councillor -they arent legally binding but they're a jolllly good back bone if you ever have to take it further.
is there any reason she up and left with the children? any history between you two of violence/abuse/threats etc etc (sorry hope you dont mind me asking...just seems a bit odd to take off with the children and getting help from other parties without that being a factor). I would be applying for some sort of custody/access as they call it now (even if it is just to have the children for a weekend or a week every so many months, usually the costs have to fall on the party that LEFT the normal residing area, but again totally depends on circumstances.

Hi everybody thank you for your thoughts. I was caught up in the earthquake and unable to check back here again for a while. I've been to the doctor and been given some anti-anxiety pills, which, while the number of actual problems has not decreased, they no longer seem so overwhelming.

Because she had decided to quit the relationship, our free sessions at relationship services were only allowed to discuss child access arrangements as she vetoed any discussion of our relationship.

There was never the slightest history of "violence/abuse/threats" or anything like that. The only thing I have ever done is to suffer through a toxic workplace and horrendous commute in order to keep paying the mortgage and bills. I had a nervous breakdown several months after the birth of our first child from the pressure of paying the mortgage while coping with a sick baby and a wife who in retrospect clearly wasn't coping with the baby.

She has an anxiety disorder and never seemed to be able to cope with pregnancy, childbirth, or child care. She had a mental breakdown in hospital following the birth of our second child. The doctors rang me up at night (after visiting hours had ended) and told me to come back in straight away or they would take the baby off her. She says that incident ended the marriage for her, but didn't discuss it at all when we had family counselling afterwards (which simply focussed on the need to set boundaries with both our families). She wants to be around her mum, and sees that as incompatible with our marriage. She has refused all referrals to psychologists.

Now that I feel less overwhelmed, I'm hoping to keep holding down my job for as long as possible, simply to buy time while I try to work out what to do.

Hi Gabe,

Great to see you back.It is a shame when relationships turn to custard as i feel kids need both parents.Sometimes though stating together is not practicable.

At least you are able to see things a little more constructively.

No matter what happens you are irrefutably the childrens father and as such you do have rights to access which i would urge you to get legalised even if reconcilliation is not achievable.

Hi Gabe,

I know this forum is dad's only but i saw your post and just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you and your little ones.

It's never nice in these situation's (i was a child caught in the middle of a situation similar to yours).


It will work out... and you always have this place to come and chat if you feel the need to... hang in there...