hi, my baby , nine months, has suddenly developed intense separation anxiety as i've started part time work this week. she's waking all night, clinging to me when i try and settle her, but its the days i really need advice about: she cries when the nanny comes near her and gets hysterical whenever i get out of her sight.
it breaks my heart to see her so upset. so ffrightened. how can i teach her evetything is all right. and how can i help the nanny, who is only a trainee, deal with this difficult situation. she feels responsible for the baby's pain.

i'm sure others have been through this and i'd love to hear how you managed
thanks

oh gosh that seems really young for separation anxiety.

has she been a baby that isnt happy to be held/cuddled by other people?
I look after a 10month old and he doesnt even notice when mum leaves as is in his own little world, its the big brother who is 2.5yrs that notices..but he's fine now bcos he knows its fun at my place.
hmmmm how is your DD after you've left? does she get over it straight away. I guess id make sure she wasn't in my arms when the nanny arrived (so that her initial reaction isnt to cling to you) perhaps get some 'special' things the nanny can do with her, or some extra exciting special new toys that the nanny can show DD. I do find it a little strange to be honest, my other thought is not to make a big deal over going, I know at kindy they always used to say you need to go and tell your child you are going and when you'll be back etc etc....and all the mums would cuddle their child and make a big deal over the fact they were going (to me its seems very counter productive to the settling thing) DS was always much more settled when all i did was told him to have a nice morning etc etc. perhaps the nanny needs to hold dd and take her to some toys/distrat her when you are going...does she arrive a bit early so you and her can be there together for a while too?

well, i'm guilty of sneaking off so far. i know, that's bad. its only been twice. she's not TOO bad till after she wakes up from her morning nap at 11. Then, tbh, she's only got 2.5 hours till i come home. ii'm only doing two mornings a week so its not as bad as others.
i think from what i've read that i need to go through a goodbye routine so she knows a/ i'm gone, but more importantly b/ that i come back.
its probably all a bit confusing for her at the mo.

My boy goes through this at stages, he's most concerned about whether I'm coming back.

But the one thing I have discovered is that my pain is a lot longer than his, minute I'm gone he's okay.

Although mine are very different circumstances and my boy is a bit older than you DD, yours is probably just the adjustment from not having Mum there for the first time.

I'd ride it out for a couple of weeks and see what happens from there. The thing is to not make a big deal about it, say bye and Mummy will be back soon and then go. It's like removing a plaster, long and slow is painful, quick and fast works better.

I also talk to him about it the night before, so it's not such a surprise, although my son understands this now, I did do this when he was 13mths when I went back to work.

Hope that helps, it does get easier

It's also a key to how long it will take her to adjust to other changes that happen along the way, I know now for instance my boy takes about a month to feel okay about the change, so can work through it ITMS.

I think this age is common for separation anxiety. Just today there was a baby at work (mum works full time, he'd come in at the end of the day) and she got me to mind him while she went to the loo...wellllll...you'd think the world was ending.

I would try not to sneak out - she is just starting to understand that things exist even if you can't see them - which is partly why they develop separation anxiety, because until that point, they don't even realise they are separate from you! Once they do, I guess its a little disconcerting for them!

The thing is that it just takes time, and reinforcement that yes, Mummy does come back..and if the nanny is a regular figure in her life, she will come to trust her too. Things just take time and repetition - its about *learning* to trust.



Yes...exactly right. It will just take time.

My ds had a nanny come one day a week from when he was 1yo, and she always said he was grizzly in the afternoons - but you know what? I think he was BORED! His older brothers were at school, and his older sister was at her PORSE carer, and it was just him and the nanny.... he now goes to PORSE with another three year old girl and bunnies and a dog and all sorts of stuff he only sees once a week, and he has a GREAT time!

Its pretty common for babies to go through that sort of stage at 9 months. My DD in particular was a very clingy, mummy-orientated child and it was difficult to leave her. SHe didn't like anyone else from quite an early age (like three months). She might have gone through a separation anxiety phase but it wasn't a lot different from her normal clingyness.

I'd definitely leave after saying goodbye. I usually said/say something like "Mummy is going to XYZ now, A is looking after you. I will be back before lunch/after your sleep/at dinner time." If they cling on or start to cry I physically hand them over to the adult, so put them in their arms or lead them to the person who is looking after them and then I leave. I don't turn around or come back.

In my experience within five or so minutes they are settled. I've done this when leaving my DS at preschool or leaving them with an adult such as my Mum or sister.

If your DD keeps crying and is very miserable the whole time and it doesn't change in couple of weeks then I'd probably reconsider the care situation.

Is your DD comfortable with the caregiver when you are there? My nephew was just beside himself when left with one person and my sister was really worried about going back to work but strangely enough he was fine with someone else and so she had to change her care arrangements. SOmetimes kids do just click with one person and not another.

Can you get the nanny to come around while you are home one day, sit down and have a coffee all together and then start playing peek a boo with the nanny holding her. Once she's having fun start peeking around a door frame and then slowly start going for longer periods of time. 1min, 5mins, 10mins, 30mins. Make sure you keep telling her exactly what is happening - Mummys going to hide in the kitchen....BOO! Mummys going out the door, see you soon darling etc. It will teach her that you will always come back and that she can trust the nanny.

It's totally a normal stage - I was lucky to get in to the washouse when my DD1 was that age lol

good ideas folks
yes, the advantage i have is that, seeing as she is a trainee nanny, she is actually here a lot. i'm only woirking two mornings a week out of the house, half of which baby sleeps through. so there's loads of time for us both to be here with her.
she is not comfortable with the nanny though even when i'm here. the nanny is very nervous of her and very unsure about how to deal with a preschooler and housework as well. she's generally overwhelmed by the whole thing.
fingers crossed we'll get there.
baby had a better night last night and is happy to go to dp today - she even went off him for a few days - so maybe things are looking up.
cheers

Even kids that age can pick up on things so if the nanny is nervous around the baby and not sure what to do that might not be helping your DD settle either. Probably heaps more time with the nanny and you together with the nanny doing more and more stuff with bubs will help both of them establish trust and their relationship can develop from there.

Glad she seems a bit more settled