WOW, what a fantastic thread. I can relate to each and everyone of you. Miscarriage/s certainly take the shine of your subsequent pregnancies.

We were lucky enough to conceive DS no problems at all, I then went on to have three miscarriages. The last m/c was the worst in May as my 2nd angel baby was due in May, and my sister had her first baby on my due date. I was 8 weeks pregnant but it was still weird going in to see her in hospital and leaving thinking - god that was meant to be me, BUT it was ok as I was 8 weeks pregnant. That was short lived, I had a scan the following day only to be told the baby had a really slow heart rate, went back the next week for another scan and the baby had died. It was so devastating, my sister cried each time she saw me, as she felt so bad we had lost yet another baby. It was such an awful time.

Two months later I was pregnant again, and here I am now 23 weeks pregnant. I was on asprin and heparin injections from 4 - 21 weeks, the jabs were awful. I have a big fear of needles so my DH took the pleasure in injecting me in the stomach each night.

I still can't really get excited about this little one, I'm paranoid that something will go wrong and can't get my head around the fact that we will be having another baby in March.

I was either pregnant on and off for a year and I feel like during that time my whole life was on hold. Each time I got pregnant I stopped going to the gym for a couple of months and totally wrapped myself up in cotton wool - all for nothing. This time I have continued with the gym and I have treated myself to the odd bit of sushi.

I've had scans at 8, 12, 18, 21 weeks which is helping too and am seeing an Ob. at CHCH Womens who is really lovely.

I feel terrible for this little one as I haven't really bonded. We did find out the sex and have decided on the name so that's helping a little. I'm kinda sad in a way that this will be my last pregnancy, there is no way I would want to be pregnant again. (God that sounds so melodramatic as I know there are a lot of women out there that have had it way worse than I). But it was just too hard emotionally on me and our relationship. If we don't feel like our family is complete after this little one is born, then we will adopt.

Well, enough woffling from me. Sorry if this post is a little jumbled, it's just nice to get it all out.

Roll on 2010 huh?!

Best of luck to all you lovely ladies

Hi Bella

I am totally with you on this. DH and I have found the last two years so tough and emotionally draining that we are in exactly the same boat. I'm 15 weeks pregnant at the moment and am so petrified something is going to happen to this one too.

I really admire the women who keep on trying after such a horrible loss, especially when it keeps happening. Such strength.

Best of luck with your pregnancy. I look forward to being as far along as you just to be closer to that due date. Every week helps

Wow, this is a really good thread...BellaB we have an almost identical story...I had to take heparin and aspirin for this baby and low and behold after 5 recurrent miscarriages something has finally worked...but I also did what you did and said that I am not going to keep putting my life on hold for months on end to not miscarry and it also must have helped this time (or at least made me more sane!).

I still have doubts...I wait everyday to feel her kicking and then chill out for a little while when she does but then anxiously want to feel it again (so I know what you are going through Libra, I hope you feel your bubs soon...how did your scan today go btw?). I still check everytime i go to the bathroom to see if I have bled...I hate that I do that but I am terribly paranoid as bleeding was always my first sign of a miscarriage coming on.

Anyway, all finally seems right with the world and now that we've had our anatomy scan, I am finally feeling okay with buying some things!

I had a good scan - it seems all is on track for dates - yay!!!

Still doesn't seem real. I feel flutters every now and then but can't tell if it's a nerve twitch or the baby - I'm just waiting for a big strong kick!

I can totally relate to the life on hold thing - it's been on and off for nearly 4 years now and I'm not getting any younger.

I haven't bought anything yet - too scared, will probably wait til after Christmas.

Hope everyone is going well.

Hugs, I was like that too, with both of my boys' pregnancies. Don't worry about it and don't feel terrible. Your wee baby doesn't know about emotional bonding yet - s/he has all the physical bonding happening. Once your baby is born it will all change - because you can LET yourself bond when you have him or her safe in your arms. It's totally normal to self-protect emotionally after MC.

RE future pregnancies - just leave that one open for yourself. It's really really hard isn't it. When pg with DS1, I didn't think I could do it again either. And adoption wasn't an option really (I have a friend with no children yet, and adoption and permanent placement in NZ are next to impossible - I don't think I could handle that journey at all - but you may be different!). You will know if/when you come to that decision what is right for you.

I still don't know if I want to "go there" again. I have 2 beautiful little boys, so I am very very lucky. I get butterflies and feelings of dread when I think of TTC, the risk of MC, the anxiousness all through pregnancy, and hyperemesis (I puke constantly from around 6-16 weeks). But there is that nagging in the back of my mind (and I keep shoving it back there LOL) that I MIGHT not be finished yet.


CUC! (Constant Undie Checking, LOL). I did that too - it was automatic every time. The number of times I thought I saw a tinge of pink, and had to go and check again 5 mins later. It would be so nice not to have to do this eh.

I totally get the "life on hold" thing too. I am sure the whole TTC/MC period of my life - 3 years which isn't half as long or stressful as it was for others - was just one big, obsessive blur. Every day my head was filled with thoughts of pregnancy, miscarriage, grief, paranoia etc. Not a healthy way to live really - and I am really glad it is behind me.

Just lurking in to say

ladies this thread was a life saver for me and a lot of the other mums who were due Feb 09 and what I would like you to know is all your stories and paranoia - I could of been reading our posts the CUC the holding of the breath for a kick for reassurance the pannic when you didnt get one for a while...

I feel for you all its not a fun place to be and Nimbus so eloquently put it you can bond when baby is here it maybe the only time you will actually allow yourself too, you may start much later in the pg but bubs knows you love it and knows you are there.

Hang in there and best of luck and WestieAmie and bellab I am so glad you are here and at 21 weeks how fricken lovelly!

Julie is your placenta at the front??? Mine was with DD and I VERY RARELY felt her move I think I was 24/5 weeks when I knew I had felt her. I was lucky with her though as I hadnt experienced MC so wasnt concerned at all. Yay for a good scan thats fabbo news!!

Lurking back out thanks

Hi girls, just wandering around EBB and saw this thread going again, and wanted to say that it sure helped me while i was pg, as having others to reach out to and who know what you are going through is so reassuring.

Sadly there are far too many families out there who experience loss, but hang in there girls

i hope to be back in the TTC game early next year so maybe some of you can talk sense into me when im paranoid and pg Till then, all the best girls

This thread is awesome!!

I'm still struggling a little to be honest Really, really worried something is going to happen and we won't have a baby at the end.. Silly I know, but I can't help the way I feel. It's so hard to be positive all the time when it's been crap getting this far.

Yesterday was the due date of our last angel baby and what an awful day. I spent the morning in tears as all I could think about was the wee heart beat we saw, and then the next week at the scan - no heartbeat I know I should be happy I am expecting again, but still doesn't make it any easier......

Hugs Bella. Just because you are pregnant, does not make your loss any easier, or mean that you need to put it behind you. It is still, and will always be, a part of who you are.

Hugs re the paranoia. It's so hard, I know. Try thinking positively, as stupid as that sounds. I remember at 24 weeks thinking "babies born now have survived". Every week past this, is a week "safer" for your baby, and a week closer to being able to hold your baby safely in your arms. Your baby is safe now too, but I know it is hard, and you analyse every twinge, how much they are moving etc, and it is a constant weight on your mind.

You are doing so well - I don't know why, but 25 weeks seemed like a real turning point for me in some ways. First it was getting past 12 weeks, then 20 weeks waiting with baited breath for a normal scan, and then after 25 weeks for some reason it felt like I was almost on the home stretch! I guess I had a recognisable baby bump to pat and for others to comment on, and I finally started to let myself believe that there was a chance I would hold my baby soon.

Hugs Bella. I know how you feel, although for a slightly different reason. for me getting past the 31-32 week mark will be the biggest milestone (that's when we lost J), although i agree with nimbus, 12 weeks, 20 weeks etc ... (i'm 20 weeks on sunday).

i feel much better after our 20 week scan this week - we're having a boy! and the sonographer said he's perfect. but i think i'm going to schedule a scan at 32 weeks for the relief and reassurance of it.

i've got a weird, dichotomous thought process going on - on the one hand, i've got a fairly deep certainty that this baby will be ok, that i really will have a little baby to look after come next april. on the other hand, probably partly because i don't feel much movement yet, i have days when i'm convinced that the baby has died and it's all over. it's very uncomfortable and anxiety provoking.

I'm still paranoid and I'm 33 weeks. I'm paranoid that something could go wrong but I guess being a mother is a constant state of worry?

Starfish - 33 weeks!!!! Wow!!!

I know! Freaky eh? Congrats beckydubs (took me a while to figure out the turkey bit!) on the Yayay!!! I'm starting to get quite anxious about the pushing out part. I know millions of women do it and it was how I got here but I'm so scared I wont be able to do it.

Here is my puku

Turkeydubs - I had that "deep down" feeling things would be OK too when I was preggers with DS1. Hang on to that. I hope it doesn't go too slowly for you getting past 32 weeks.

Starfish - you look fantastic! Have you told your MW about your birth concerns? she may be able to put your mind at ease. You will be able to do it! Trust in your body, and that your body knows what to do. A friend of mine told me that, and it helped so much. And you have the support of others too, so they are there to help support you. You will be fine.

starfish you look gorgeous!

lol re turkeydubs - yeah my MTB board changed to christmas names.

Thanks! Yes, I do know I will get through it, I'll be blardy pleased when it is over though. I'm not sure if I'll be a screamer or quiet - I'll probably swear and be rude (that's what I'm afraid of) and I really hope it doesn't hurt too much. Should I start conditioning myself by poking myself with a pin? Also a bit scared that we wont make it to the hospital (45min drive away) and that I won't want to go anywhere. MW is great but I feel a bit silly telling her my neuroses.(or that word that is similar KWIM?).

having been through it, my advice would be try not to worry now. whatever you expect it will be like, it may be very different. when it's all happening you just have to do it, and you will be fine. it's short term pain for long term gain!

You're looking great Starfish! Ditto what Becky said - often what you are worried about the most in labour doesn't end up happening. I was so worried about an episiotomy, and didn't end up getting one. I'm nervous about getting to the hospital in time too, as my labours with DD and Mac were very fast once my waters broke. But I'm sure it will all be fine - I'll probably end up labouring in hospital for days because I'll be rushed in there!

Starfish you look gorgeous, I have belly-envy!

I love CUC! Could I add CLPAW - check loo paper after wiping (perhaps TMI?). I am a compulsive checker of all things! I am even nervous to write on this board as the last couple of miscarriages happened just after I wrote here so don't want to jinx things. But feeling braver today - coming up to 6 weeks which is more than the last chemical pregnancies, so feel a bit more positive.

Am on progesterone this time so cross fingers for me!

sarah A!!!