Have tried so many times to post... so hopefully I finish my post this time... (please forgive me if I make little sense, my brain is so muddled at the moment)
Our beautiful baby girl, Kama was born 2 weeks ago; Friday the 12th of March at 4.50pm weighing 104gms
My induction started Thursday morning, so as I predicted (my labour with DS was 42 hours from the start of the induction), my labour was very long & distressing. Compared to when I had DS, I can't really complain, but I will anyway - some of the nurses were so insensitive; my waters broke by themselves on the Thursday and my bleeding was scarily heavy (there were puddles on the ground) but they didn't even bat an eyelid because it eventually eased ... one nurse called me a drama queen (because of my traumatic birth with Brooklyn) and made jokes about the situation ... I was asked by so many different nurses if I was sure I hadn't passed anything (meaning Kama) because it sounded like I'd gone thru everything already - ok thanks for that, so now on top of everything else, I am now stressing like crazy that I've given birth to my daughter & flushed her down the toilet
No1 seemed to realise how pregnant I was, no1 knew anything about my previous induction, no1 knew my waters had broken etc etc...
Kama's birth was extremely traumatic - not something I will ever get over, I'm starting to cry just thinking about it. I nearly collapsed because I was so devastated by what had just happened.
Thankfully we managed to create some special memories of our short time with our daughter. She was brought into us soon after she was born, and she never left us from there - we were allowed to go home 3 hours later, and Kama came with us. We were able to take lots of photos, I done a foot and hand print (never imagined that would be so hard to do - trying to create enough pressure to actually do it!), and had the stuff to do moulds but I just didn't want to disturb her body anymore after I'd done the prints. We buried her placenta in a huge pot under a yukka. We lit a candle (and other lovely friends & family did too). A friend gave me a gorgeous keepsake box which is full of cards, eventually dried/pressed flowers & photos, a blanket Kama was wrapped in, something from the moses basket she was given to us in and many more things
Seeing Kama for the first time made me cry more than I ever had before, but then after a while I just looked at her with so much love and realised then and there that all the heartbreak we went thru was worth it, just to have that short amount of time with her. She looked so beautiful, and so at peace.
We'd organised a blessing on Saturday but that went as bad as it could've gone - made a difficult time much more difficult.
Kama was cremated on the Monday, and we collected her ashes on Tuesday - I had to prepare her little coffin by myself, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do
We were originally going to decorate the box, but it was so perfect we left it as it was and instead put things inside with Kama including a drawing from big brother Brooklyn to his little sister, and a letter from Mummy & Daddy
We haven't found the right urn for her yet, but hopefully will find something perfect soon.
I miss my daughter so so so much, every day is such a struggle, I wish there was something I could do to bring her back and make everything different, I would do absolutely anything - but I do get some comfort from knowing we done the right thing for Kama as her condition just wasn't compatible with life
Fridays in particular are going to be tough for a long long time as I should've been another week pregnant, and as Kama was born on a Friday, it's another week that she's been gone
all my love Chrissy. Im so sorry. 
Miss M July08 
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Jan 2010
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