Tasha, so sorry for your loss.
Hugs for you,

Tania.

Tasha sorry for your loss.... Glad that you were able to get a scan quickly and at least have some definite answers...

Sorry to hear your news Tasha. It is nice to know that things are nearly normal again but I know how empty you will feel. Be kind to yourself and remember we are here whenever you need to talk

Thanks everyone, not in as much pain today which is great, just majorly fatigued! Is that normal? Its 10 past 7 and im having trouble keeping my eyes open ive been like this since about 2pm. hope you are all having a good day.

Oh no I feel you pain and I'm so sorry for you loss. It makes me so sad that we are all here but on a positive note we can talk about our feelings with each other without making anyone else in the room uncomfortable!!!

I am feeling awful today and feel like running to loo to cry It's been 5 months since my m/c and we are ttc again without any luck. What's making it so hard right now is my EDD is coming up and I should be on maternity leave now. I really though I would have conceived again before my EDD and so things wouldn't hurt so much at this time. All the pregnancies announced around the time I conceived, and then m/c are now starting to be born.

I was at a baby shower last night (kind of linked through my work) and they were saying that it was my turn as everyone else in the office had a baby and they're waiting on me now! I had to laugh it off but it made me feel a bit sick, what I really wanted to say was f*** off you have no idea about my pain right now and I think I should be rewared for going to all these baby showers and constantly going into baby shops to buy other people baby presents. Also, my best friend had her second baby yesterday. I've been trying for my number 1 since her first baby was born.

Sorry for rant, life just feels so unfair right now. But on a high note DH got offered a new job yesterday so at least the pay rise will cover my fertility treatments now.

AND.. to top all this off, we're going to stay with friends in Wellington this weekend who have a 3 month old baby (again conceived first month and way after we started trying)

Man, this is a bad day. Also not impressed with my office at the moment

KJBHOPES
life can be so unfair at times. 10 / 10 for going to these baby showers that takes a lot of guts. I know what you mean about being on maternity leave and should be expecting your baby soon, my EDD was in December last year, it was hard. I to have been TTC since we lost our little Alex, I to was expecting to be pregnant by my EDD but unfortunately I and still TTC. It made everything feel like a double whammy !! to say the least. I know that I am very lucky to have 2 children but both are miracles and did not happen on their own (funny thing is Alex did happen with out fertility help) so I thought TTC after would be easy but sadly I was mistaken. Someone said to me that it doesn't matter about the number of children you have it is when you feel that your family is complete. For me that will be with one more miracle.
It is still early days for you but I have found that now I have the strength to talk to colleagues about my miscarriage, and I mean real feelings, not just the ones that make them feel better for asking. I now feel the more people that understand this sense of loss and grieving that goes along with m/c the better it will be for everyone.
Sorry for the rant
Vcky Lee

Its sucks when you not preg by the EDD of your baby, i had a few to drink on my EDD, so that kept my mind off it, coz it was christmas day

KJBHOPES I think you are very brave for going to the baby showers. That is something I just cant do. I had hoped to be pg again before my first EDD and when I got pg for the second time thought it would all be good. In the end I had my second m/c 1 1/2 months before my first EDD. It was so hard. So hoping that I will be pg again before my next EDD. Try to be kind to yourself and let yourself do what you need to.

Oh dear KJBHOPES that is an exersize in endurance all right. Thing about those baby showers is while you are plastering on a smile, and doing your best to be happy for the lucky lady... a little bit of you is dying on the inside, and wailing at how unfair the world is.

The whole fertility thing is a whole other mind job - scratching together the cash just to try to have a baby, when it seems so easy for those around you... and then there are the side effects

No, not easy. Not fair. But it is something you can endure. It helped me to think of it like a tour of duty but the battle scars are emotional. You just have to be strong, and endure and rely on your wingman (aka DH).

Found this on a stillbirth blog but it translates:

Strength and Courage
Author: Sylvia Kelly

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

Thanks. I like that poem. It's been an emotional rollercoaster again, esp with the issues around HD getting a new job. Maybe that was also everything coming to a head. I cried at work today, and at the gym Since I don't talk openly about my m/c to everyone I can't assume nobody else has had to deal with it but then people wouldn't say the things they say if they had experienced what i've been through.

It's just tought and we need to plough through it.....

It is hard, and you've every right to feel how you do. I don't think you "get over" a miscarriage, because it marks you somehow so that things are forever changed. But you do get through the grief, and it does get easier as you allow yourself to heal. I don't see it as surrendering to it per se (because I'm a bit leary of wallowing personally) but maybe embracing it or accepting it is a better word? Accepting that for right now you feel sad, but you wont feel this way forever. And remembering to notice the things that make you happy or give you some measure of satisfaction, instead of the miscarriage colouring the whole world.

I say this as someone who spent a lot of time feeling angry and jealous and resentful, and forgetting to appreciate the good bits in my life. Looking back I think that would have been easier to do had my family acknowledged the whole infertility/miscarriage thing. They wouldn't even read the link to the miscarriage support website I sent them. So perhaps it was my way of fighting to be "allowed" to have feelings about miscarriage etc. However I own some of the responsibility for not gently jumping on the dumb comments when they arose, and in that way demand respect for my feelings... hard to do though when you're so vulnerable. I know that sounds a bit me me me - I guess I'm trying to share my hindsight with you.

Its such a hard place to be in. [Get to the point CM!] Tears are good - they're a natural expression of your grief.

KJB

It still gets me everytime I hear someone is pregnant... One of the ladies from my antenatal group is pregnant with twins... and I just watn to curl up and cry.

Im having a crappy day today i think its all hit me again, im still really tired and now sore again hoping that i dont have any 'retained products' (hate that phrase) only time will tell that one, when i had my scan they said that it was looking rather good and that they didnt think i had any. I just wanna bawl today i want my baby back

Hugs Tasha, so sorry for your loss. RE the tiredness and soreness - I thnk you should see your GP straight away. It could be an infection, which could be cleared by AB's, or you may need a D&C. You need to get it sorted asap though. I think you said your hCG was 5? If so, it is unlikely (but possible) that you have retained product (yeah, horrible term). Five and below is considered a "normal, non-pregnant" level, to my knowledge. But talk to your GP. Mention your tiredness too - it could be something as simple as low iron levels. It could be all of the emotional stress you are going through too, AND the physical stress.

KJB - hugs. You have been through a lot, and are dealing with a lot, and it all just SUCKS. Like Country Mum said - I think miscarriage changes who you are, forever. I know I was in a little (well, not so little) black hole for a while, where TTC, MC, etc, were all that were in my life. I could think of nothing else, it consumed me. It was there all day, in the smallest reminders. A preggy belly, a baby or toddler, a carseat in a car, the baby trolleys at the supermarket, my EDD, or reaching certain dates which we had thought "we will have an X month old by then". It IS hard. And like Country Mum said, it does get easier over time. Some things still "get to me" I admit - things like seeing women smoke while pregnant, or "just have one glass of wine", or worse. And talking to others who are going through it - I usually end up bawling with them on the phone, as it brings all the feelings flooding back. BUT - it is not on my mind all day every day. I think about it often (haha I am here often enough to remind me), but not with the darkness of the past. Instead it is kind of like an ache that will always be there, but it is part of me instead of it controlling me, if that makes sense? I will stop rambling now.

Hey ladies, I had a sad day yesterday just hit me with a big wave and took forever to get to sleep, not even sure what it was that made me so sad.

Today a lady who I was on our playgroup commitee with last year, who is due 6 weeks before I was due is always updating her FB status about something negative towards being pregnant and today commented on my status about how she won't be going to any play because she won't be going out of the area, I thought WTF how dare you rub that in my face, so for once I commented that she should be happy and I would swap any-day with her. One thing to moan about your pregnancy on your own page, but to comment on mine, I was fuming (obviously still am )

Gosh I don't blame you for being furious! What an insensitive cow! I hope your reply gave her pause. {{hugs}}