IM coming on here for advice, and not any accusations, so please if you having nothing nice or supportive to say, don't say it, as im feeling rather upset about this issue.


As you know ive had a few issues with S at school, as in playing in the toilets, with a few other girls and not being in class when shes meant to.

Last weekend i had a really good talk to S, and we talked about all the right/wrong thing, touching, our bodies, being honest and respectful and responsible.
(im guessing she didn't trust me enough to talk to me last weekend)

Today the girls are in after school care as i work till 4pm, i go down to pick them up, and ive been asked to come into a different room with S.
They have another little girl come and tell them that S put her hands in another girls bottom and S touched her VJJ.
I haven't reacted, or said anything, but i did ask her why she did this and has anyone else done this to her, she said she and got very upset, and said that her friend A at school did it to her.

Now one thing i know from this kinda stuff is that usually, and i say usually kids do it to someone else coz they had someone do it to them.

S was in the bath tonight so ive had a good talk with her by herself and and she said that A pulled her pants down at the drinking fountain and touched her, i asked S to show me and she did. She also said that H had told the teacher that S pulled H's pants down.

As you can imagine im feeling really awful about it, i know who the child is, as S has told me, and i know the mother, the child is not a nice little girl anyways (not that it makes a difference, i just don't like their family and don't want my kids playing with those girls)

So where the heck do i go from here....

S has been hard work at school over the past 4 weeks, so how are the teachers going to take my seriously.

Me and DP are waiting to hear about with a date as we have asked for a meeting with the teachers, to try and find some way of managing the girls, as its been a shocking start to the year, but im still waiting on a meeting date.

So do i rock up to the school on monday and talk to Ms M (D.Principal) or how the heck do i handle this.

Do i trust my child???
Coz if i don't trust what shes said now, it may mean that she will never trust me when shes older to tell me the most important things in her life.
If i don't trust her, she may never want to tell me if anything like this happens again.
S is usually not the one that would tell lies.

I feel sick to my stomach to even think that another child has done this to her, and shes done it to someone else, also the other child may have someone doing it to her as well, coz usually its happening to the first child and thats how the cycle continues.

You have to trust your child.

It is never a nice thing to have to hear that someone may have been touching your child.

You need to see someone on Monday and take the information you have in. They need to do something about it.

Like I said, it is awful, but take some heart from the idea that if S is telling the truth (and I would believe in this instance), and A did it, then A probably is being abused, so by S doing what she has done, she will actually stop the abuse from happening furhter.

So you go to school with the girls on Monday, as early as you are sure that the princial will be there, and you talk to the principal. Say that it is urgent and concerns innapropriate touching, do not leave till you are seen.

Hugs, it is a pretty full on thing to have to go through, even if it turns out that it was innocent stuff blown out of proportion.

Oh and lets say that this isn't true, and S has lied for whatever reason. I am sure that if it is the case, then it will be details that are not accurate, as kids of her age have to get their knowledge from somewhere.

Any disclosure of possible abuse from a child has to be taken seriously and acted on by the person they tell, or it causes life long trust issues. You are very right with what you say there.

Oh hunny thats awful.
From my own very personal experiance,trust what S is telling you, Like Felicis is saying,it may go back to it happening to A at home,and if so,you may be able to help stop the abuse.
*hugs* xx

You must be feeling absolutly sick

I totally agree with F. See the principal 1st thing (id go without your kid to start with and just send her to class) and simply present the facts as you know them (like your post above) & take advice on how to act next.

Yep i sure do feel sick and im so mad that its the weekend now. and i have to wait till monday to talk to someone.

DP has never liked the girls school, so this is just another nail in the coffin for that, he wants to send them private....but we can't afford that. I like the teachers at the school, its just some of the kids.

Oh Sarah

You are totally right in what you said about trust. I think you do need to trust S now. I agree with whats been said above re talking to the school about it.

The school the girls go to does have a bit of a reputation... How come your DP doesnt like it? There are other schools in the area that aren't private schools... I know its a hard decision to make but perhaps it is worth looking at moving them?

I know it does, but the girls are at the school to learn about other people who are not like them, i like the school coz of the conductive education part, its really not that bad at the school, the girls are just friends with a few kids i would rather them not be friends with.

Putting them in another school means an out of zone school, and they are hard to get into.

TM, I don't really have a lot of advice, I know I would be feeling sick and in limbo with nothing to do but sit and worry about it all weekend.

I think you do need to go and see the principle and just stay what you know and let them help you work it out, try not to think to far ahead or behind about the whole situation.

I think (and I can only assume, as I haven't been there and done that) I would be considering moving them out of the school, it doesn't seem like its been much of a success, unless there was a good plan about supporting you to get the best out of the girls. I do think you have to give things time, and your right you do need the girls to learn that the world is fill of different people and that they need to make good decisions, but maybe its all just a bit too much for them now and you need to make it a bit more simple for them (ie removing some of their choices about friends and influences, by going to another school that is less likely to have that sort of influence on them)

I again think if you leave things too long they might just start thinking this is what you do at school and then its hard to undo what they are learning... which would mean if they move schools they would be the bad kid at the good school and get attention that way. (I went to school with a couple of girls like this and you could see their attitude when they walked in and it stuck)

I agree with what everyone said. I also agree with trusting your DD, it's our job to be on our kids "side"
I wanted to particularly highlight this

The girls have their whole lives to learn about people different to them, they don't need to be doing it at 6 if it's being detrimental to their wellbeing.

Oh how awful!

TM

I'm just wondering if this explains why you have been having trouble with S recently. Essentially it sounds like she is being sexually abused by this other child, and I would imagine that could make her act up (I have no experience with this). From what I know, P-R's behaviour hasn't changed for the worse this year (she was just so good and lovely the other day), and I assume this touching etc. isn't happening to her.

Also, and again I'm pretty much talking from a hole in my head, so you can take or leave this - you mention talking to S on her own, which is a good idea, but I'm wondering if you should include P-R in some of these conversations? She is likely to be aware that something is up.

I don't have any advise except to believe what your DD says and do whatever you feel is right.

As you know I pulled DS out of school after the Bullying offence and it has made the world of difference. Very different situatuions tho.

Good luck for today and let us know how you get on

TM, I hope everything went ok today

Talked to the school this morning, the DP was too busy, so i asked the AP, and she asked me how long it would take we went into an office and i said it was to do with inappropriate touching, she said she had to get the principal, so she came in as well with the note pad.
Principal said i asked S the wrong questions about it etc, and she said they had been taught stuff theycould and oculdn't say etc etc. then at 9.30am i get a phone call saying that she had talked to A and S and A said that she didn't know what she was talking about and S said that her pants had been pulled down.

Im mad that the school talked to S without me being there, i should have been there.

So im changing schools, been to the one next to my work, and im waiting for a time to go and talk to the principal.

Just been and picked the girls up from after school care, and lady has said that she thinks she has to report it to CYFS so now i feel like shite. Shes gonna talk to a social worker about it first to see if she HAS TO or not, but shes sure she does.

Feeling really fab now

Don't feel like shit, you have done NOTHING wrong. I once had to report one of my mum to Cyfs when the child had a bruise that he claimed was from his mum pushing him down the stairs. We were all prety sure that it wasn't the case, but when a child makes a claim like that you have to report - and you are not supposed to tell the family either. Thank goodness my mother understood and knew that it wasn't personal, just policy. And they could tell pretty fast that it wasn't anythign to do with her.

I am glad that you are moving schools, i think that the reaction was pretty shocking.

Big, big hugs, I am feeling very sad for you right now, you so don't need this stress in your life

I'd be furious they talked to her without you there. I wonder if they were asking questions about abuse at home?
Anyway, I'd change schools too!!

OMG that is shocking! I can't believed they asked her questions without you being there or at least with permission??

You have done exactly the right thing I think

Well TBH, i am not surprised about the questions -after all, if the claims are coming becasue there is abuse at home (NOT in this case, but in others, just saying why they would have asked), having a parent there or waiting till the parent has been able to school the child's responses is so not in the child's interests. And I have witnessed that first hand, when Cyfs took a couple of days to respond to a referral, and rang the parents to let they know they were coming to talk to the kids, the stories changed so much you knew the parents had coached them.

It wasn't that that worried me, after all they have usually been schooled in how to question kids appropriately (it is usally pretty minimal questioning so as not to lead the child, which is incredibly easy to do as the child seeks to please the adult with affirmative responses). What concerned me was the apparent dismissal of it all becasue A said she didn't know what was being talked about!

the reason is i actually don't trust the school, they try to brush other things away, so that they don't get a bad rep...which is already too late as other people know what the school is like.
i have tried to be open and honest with them, but sometimes i feel like they don't show that with the parents.

i believe that they would put words in the girls mouth, coz there has been a few things i have complained about, last year, as they just got wiped away, and i thought i wouldn't make a big deal of it.

I just feel really uneasy about the girls being there now, i just don't trust them.

The faster i can move the girls, the better.

Felicis - i see what you are saying, but i had S here all weekend, i could have been coaching here, not that i was, but what makes me mad now is that both A and S would have gone back to class and everyone would know whats been happening. thats not how i wanted it to be.