Hi Krisee
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the awful time you had at the hospital.

Take care

Thank you I can't believe the amount of amazing support I've received

Funnily enough, or probably more appropriately, sadly enough, I haven't really thought about the treatment by some of the hospital staff as bad - but thinking about it now, yeah some of it was terrible, for me particularly when I was continuously asked "are you absolutely positive you haven't passed anything". They actually made me get to a point where I wouldn't eat or drink anything because I was petrified of that happening. My waters weirdly broke in two lots, they changed my bed the first time, then after the second I went to the bathroom, came back & notified a nurse, she told me "oh you can go to the bathroom and change your pads yourself" - yep I know that, and will do that, but my bed is soaking; I was left in it until the nurses changed shifts about 8 hours later I got DP to get a heap of those huge blue pad sheets to put underneath me so I wasn't lying in it, it was disgusting! I could honestly go on forever about their poor treatment (unfortunately).

I know I'm going to grieve in one way or another for the rest of my life, but when is it time to do something about how I'm feeling? I barely sleep but I'm desperately tired, my mind is constantly running a million miles an hour, I can't hold a conversation because I can't string the words together, I'm unmotivated, I get angry easy, I've got a terrible cold/cough right now & feel very run down, I'm suffering from bad anxiety at times, I cry alot (but alone) and I generally just feel 'down'. I do have my good days, but they're definately outnumbered by the days that I'm not. When Kama was born, because of all the stress of finding out she had Trisomy 13, I actually weighed less than I did before I was pregnant (I'm of a healthy weight & I put on ALOT of weight in pregnancy). It's hard because I know it hasn't been long since Kama was born sleeping, but I don't whether this is normal and I just put up with it, or whether I read the signs now and do something?? I suppose that's just something I need to decide myself.

I don't think being back at work so soon as helped either - but I didn't have a choice unfortunately It's not work itself, it's just being around people and being forced to pretend I'm ok when I'm not.

As well as everything to do with my baby girl, I'm still not over what happened with my DS's birth and everything surrounding that - my specialist with Kama thinks I'm probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, and thinks it would be a good idea to meet up with her prior to TTC again and we'll just go over everything to do with Brooklyns birth, the ruptured ectopic prior to that, and Kama. I think that's one of the best ideas I've heard in ages.

Sorry for yet another novel.

Sweetie, you're doing incredibly well. I would honestly go and have a chat with your doctor just so that they are on the same page as you now on how you're feeling and then you can work out a plan together x

You take care of yourself honey. We should catch up soon. If you fancy a quick cuppa at the weekend let me know x

P.S. I think that it is absolutely abominable how they treated you. Totally unacceptable. beyond words infact. Perhaps print out a copy of the forum to take with you to the doctors so that you don't have to speak the words?

Krisee I think going to see a grief counsellor would be a great starting point for you at the moment. What about the maternal counsellor/social workers at the hospital, or are they part of the problem?

I'm going to PM you.

Oh Krisee, I'm so sorry to hear how traumatic this experience was, what a nightmare situation.

I absolutely agree that you need to talk to someone ASAP, you have so many distressing factors going on at once, its little wonder your mind is going crazy and you can't sleep.

There are some natural sleep products you can take (rescue rememdy etc) but I asked my doc for a script for sleeping pills in my post-MC daze, they were a godsend in blocking the world out for a few hours so I could get some sleep.

I'd also think about getting a medical certificate if you were able to talk to your boss about a bit more leave, assuming you have any paid sick leave up your sleeve, I know you don't want to take unpaid leave. Your recovery is a priority though, you need to look after YOU

We've come down to stay with family for the weekend and it's really helped me get my head together Being around my family who have been so supportive thru all of this has really helped.

And I've actually managed an 8 hour sleep!!

I still obviously have my moments, particularly at night (I close my eyes & I just replay Kamas birth over & over again), but overall I feel just in a better place at the moment. Conversations are still a struggle but I think that's alot to do with me being so sleep deprived & what I mentioned above, so I will see the docs next week to get either something like anti-anxiety meds or sleeping pills. And see if I can organise to see the pregnancy/baby loss counsellor again at the hospital.

Received a call on Thursday from the hospital saying they're sending us out blood test forms for DP & I. Once those are done & they have the results we'll meet with the specialists & discuss everything. Because I knew they were coming, I'm presuming these will be the tests to see whether Kama's condition was just extremely bad luck, or whether its a genetic condition that either DP or I are carrying I really hope we were just unlucky

Great that you are getting some family support and nurturing Krisee .
I am very pleased that you are feeling a wee bit better at the moment and have some good positive plans in place .
I too hope that you and DP were just 'unlucky', for those BT results.

We were just "unlucky" - which sucks, cos you want to know WHY! But it also helped us relax a little bit into our subsequent pregnancies.

On saying that - if you decide to TTC again, you can expect that to be one hell of an emotional roller coaster as well.

Pleased to hear things are a little better, good luck for your tests and next appt

Krisee, my heart breaks for you

All I can offer you is my love and support.

xxxxx

Hi Krisee,
just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you the moment I woke up. Today
Hi Krisee,

I guess today is 1 month since you little darling Kama was born sleeping. How are you? I'm imagining you must have so many mixed feelings, I don't 'know' how you feel right now because I'm not there yet (with our precious T18 baby girl) but I imagine for me time would be standing still somewhat, I guess you want time to fast forward so the grief can start to subside a bit but then another part of me feels like I would want to hold onto that time not so long ago that I was holding her in my arms. I don't know if this will help you or if it will be more painful for you & you may have already done it but I think I am going to write down absolutely everything I remember, all the beautiful little things that you remember about your moments with Kama, her beautiful peaceful sleeping face, her little outfit, her feet I wouldn't want to forget anything. Not that I'm saying you would for a second Krisee but i would worry that I would. I have never lost a child, but I have lost other immediate family and when people say 'time heals' I think a big part of that is because as time goes on you start to forget things & I wish I had written more down. When the Trisomy 18 does eventually take our little girl I don't want to forget the little moments we had with her. Every seemingly insignificant detail. I'm sorry Krisee if this feels like a bit of a preach I just woke up thinking of you & all of these thoughts came flooding in!
I hope you have had an opportunity to meet with a grief councillor again? Please let us know how you're holding up & please know there's lots of people
thinking of you. All the best for today, hope you can take the time to sit in the beautiful sunshine for a moment, take care of yourself xx xx xx

Thanks ladies

Well I made it thru Kama's 1 month angelversary, can't believe it's been a month already. Bought some gladiolis (?sp?) which are her EDD birth flowers, and quite appropriately mean rememberance, and lit her candle - both are sitting by my baby girls ashes.

Had our tests done last week so hopefully will receive our appt time in the next few weeks.

Overall I *think* I'm doing ok, definately better than I was that's for sure ... the one thing I'm really struggling with is just having no-one to talk to I want and need people to show that they care - that list that XA posted is exactly what I hope for; for people to stop avoiding what's happened, for people to do what they say, for people to ask how I am, for people to ask about Kama, for people to stop saying there's plenty of time for other babies - I wanted Kama!!, for people to remember significant times for me (no1 outside of EBB mentioned her 1 month) ... I could go on forever. I know I can come on here, but there's a huge part of me that resists because I don't want to keep bringing others down (silly I know) - even now I keep writing then deleting!!



Aotearoa and thanks. I've been writing things down, but hope to write it more in depth when I have the strength to get it all down Like you, I don't want to forget anything. How are you doing? As well as you can be I hope, thinking of you

you're in my thoughts. I found RL people just seem to move on and the wonderful support I received from strangers on EBB who have not necessarily been through a loss was amazing and that is what got me through those very dark times. Even now I still get PMs when its Robins anniversary but noone outside of EBB menionted his 3rd anniversary last week.

Wow thats so good that you are able to get your blood tests done so soon and hopefully get answers soon too!! for it being just very unlucky!!!

I also wanted to say I read through your post a few days ago, but it's taken me a while to be able to come back and post....it's almost like you are speaking of my life...no one will talk to me about my Rosa at all, when I bring her up, most change the subject...especially my family...they cant understand why I'm upset - as I should be "over it" by now...well I can tell you, Rosa is approaching her 3 month angelversary...and I can tell you I'm in a worse state of mind now than I was a few months back!!!

I guess for me, it's really hard to think that everyone has moved on and "forgotten" when my baby was born, and how it consumes EVERY SINGLE moment of every single day - I guess it's not something you can even begin to imagine until you are in that position! The week before Rosa was born - I was trying to imagine how I would be feeling and NOTHING even came close!

It sounds lovely what you did for her first angelversary...the flowers sound lovely! We have our little girl in a very nice angel baby silver box, and we got given an angel mini rose bush when she was born, and it's got the most perfect little pink roses, and it every now and then gives us a perfect wee flower that I can pop with Rosa...it's just lovely!

Sorry I'm rambling.....it's just so close in my memory and still so very painful to try and get through what is going on inside my mind!!! I will actually send you a PM!

and lots of angel kisses to Kama!

Had our specialist appt this morning, went well although ALOT of tears were shed - found out that thankfully we were just unlucky, and Kama's condition wasn't genetic So the odds of going thru this all over again are about 1 in 100, which although it seems high to me, is definately better than 1 in 2 which it would've been had the condition been genetic I think had it been genetic and we had those odds, we wouldn't even think about going down the pregnancy path again.

She said when/if we decide to TTC again, there will be tests available to us such as scans, CVS/Amnio (each is dependant on the gestation) etc which gives some peace of mind. I already have early scans because I only have one tube, but knowing an even closer eye will be kept is great.

Going back to the hospital where Kama was born was so hard - much harder than I expected it would be; I'm over walking down the hospital halls with tears streaming down my face!! My other half couldn't come to the appt as he'd come down with a tummybug so made the appt that little bit harder, but can't be helped.

Going to meet with the counsellor again sometime in the near future which I really need, and then meet with my specialist again in about 3 months - she will put out all the notes from my previous pregnancies and just help heal some old wounds before we think about TTC again.

Think when I have some spare $$$ I'm going to make a trip to the doctors and get something for my anxiety - although it has eased a little from how it was 2 or 3 months ago, it doesn't take much for it to take over me.

krisee, glad it was a more positive result than a genetic condition.
You are doing an amazing job holding yourself together for you and your family, take care hun

Glad you got some answers,
and knowing it was a "random" not geneitic occourance,
though it wont lessen the pain of loosing Kama, it does give youa bit of hope for the future, even though any future pregnancies will be full of constant paranoia

Krisee. It is so tough to go those appointments, and to the same hospital .
I am pleased that there are no genetic issues for you to have to consider should you decide to TTC again.
and angel kisses for Kama .