Here are a few ideas on how to respond to some of those insensitive comments people can make when they hear you have had a miscarriage. Please feel free to add your own replies, as well as comments people have made to you.

At least you know you can conceive
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.

It was probably for the best
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.

It wasn’t really a baby
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.

You can try again/you can have another one
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.

And another pet hate of mine, now that I have my gorgeous boys:

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was natures way of telling you something was wrong....

What was meant to be was meant to be...

I never had any comebacks for these

Linbrusco, it sucks what people say eh.

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed mor.e
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.

Gosh, I only found out I lost my baby 2 days ago and I've already had some of these comments, or variants of them!

But then it makes me feel sad and guilty, because I know the person that said them cares about me deeply and is very upset themselves. I think they just didn't know what to say and were desperately trying to say something to try and see some positives for the future

Hi, yep I had them from my specialist today in my "confirmation scan" before they took me off my meds to m/c naturally.
Just what you need to hear!

O.k. I've added a few on to Kims beautifully written post. I've just tacked on a few sarcastic remarks to cater for every mood

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer s common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Oh man, how I wish I had this post 6 weeks ago!

Especially your sarky ones CountryMum. The comments are SO hurtful there were many times when I wanted to hurt that person right back.

Thanks Country Mum, they are awesome!

Hugs everyone who is dealing with this. Vista - don't feel guilty - there are "gentle" ways to let people know it's not acceptable to say some of the things they say. And even the more sarky replies to people who mean well can be well taken - because it jerks them into realising a wee bit about what you are going through. (Plus they generally excuse sarky remarks given what has happened ).

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer s common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Any comment response:
1. I'm sure you're saying that because you are trying to make me feel better, and I do appreciate the intention. But if you really want to help, please understand that you can't make the death of my baby better. What would be great is if you look at it like any other death, and just give me sympathy.
2. Thanks for trying to comfort me - but when you say my baby wasn't meant to be [or other coment] you are making my baby less than - not a real loss - minimising the loss. I need you to realise that my baby wasn't less than. My baby was everything.

I have a few to add:

a D&C is just like an abortion
(is sitting there jaw dropped an answer enough)

also, that if I have another m/c in the future it won't be so bad as I have DS now

answers please.....:)


also Vista, I am so sorry for your loss.

A D&C is just like an abortion...
1. They're about the same as the New Zealand police force and al quaeda.
2. They're about the same as you and people with actual feelings.
3. The procedures resemble each other in as much as you resemble a person with a heart.
4. My baby died despite my deepest desire. I would have given anything to keep my baby, but here I am with empty arms and an empty belly. This was not something I chose. How could you presume to make that comparison when I am grieving my baby.
4. What a poisonous thing to say.

You should be grateful you already have a child / at least its not so hard because you already have a child.
1. You have two parents - would it be "easier" if one of them passed because you have a back-up?
2. My grief over loosing a baby is quite separate to the love I have for my living child.
3. Its not about being grateful for what I do have (which I am) its about being sad about what I have lost.
4. Children aren't interchangeable. They're unique and precious every one. Every child deserves love. I loved my unborn baby, and because I loved my baby I mourn his/her death.
5. Having a child already makes me acutely aware of just what I have lost.

O.k. there is a start... but PLEASE don't tell me you've had the first comment!

It has been really good to read these come backs. I so wish I had thought of these come backs after my m/c's (especially the first m/c), even if they had just sat in my brain as 'comfort' (cant think of the actual word I want) for me.

Country Mum yes I have - while waiting for my D&C and got told not to worry about the procedure. From a very close family member, who was in their way trying to make things better. (??? I know). I directed them to the m/c support website and they felt horrible after they read it and understood, which helped a lot.

(Country Mum, I assume you have figured out I used to be Poppie I outed myself a while ago in the introductions thread in OT)

No - I hadn't figured it out, but I'm glad you're still here. I felt dreadful for you and Daffodil

These are awesome and I too wish I had these comebacks for my two m/c's. I reckon I got over 90% of these "trying to make me feel better" comments.

Sadly the only people who seem to understand are the ones who have been through it.

The one I have heard a fair bit recently after a MC at 6 weeks post IVF "Oh well most people wouldnt have even known they were pregnant" WTF... I *DID* know. I worked my arse off to get there! I injected myself 43 times, had 12 bloodtests, 4 internal scans and two surgical procedures to be PREGNANT. I damn well KNEW I was pregnant! Also one I cant get my head around "high miscarriage rates in IVF just evens it out to the 25% chance of getting pregnant naturally" What does that even mean??

Thanks for such eloquent responses, I will be using them ALL in future.

Country Mum, I was Poppie then Daffodil I think you mean Cocobean. Anyway lovely to see you

It means that they are ignorant ...who the hell would even say such a thing - unbelievable???? Most insensitive comments are just off the cuff - not well thought out - but those comments have obviously had some thought and they still thought it was ok to make them???

I can't believe what some people say. Well, actually, unfortunately I can as I have been on the end of some shockers.

The ones that I felt really hurtful were:

'you lost your fourth baby now because you have too much stress about your break up with your mother'
By a doctor who saw me for the first time and had no idea how much stress being in touch with my family ment for me in the past, and how peaceful my live is now. And he was also completely ignorant to the fact that it actually was a chromosomal disorder for this baby that caused his death. I was speechless.

'You have to try again.' just 2 weeks after my MC when a colleague asked me if I would try again and my answer was 'I don't know.'

It makes me so sad to hear the comments some of you have had to endure, just adding to the pain you would have already been feeling.

A family member sent a lovely email to say sorry, full of lovely words. Apart from one line - "Life can be a 'bummer' !!!!!" I know I am oversensitive, but that one line seemed to undo all the other lovely thoughts for me. I wanted to email back, it's more than an f'ing bummer!!! A bummer is when you've forgotten something off your shopping list, for example. Not when you've lost a baby!!! And then I felt guilty, as the rest of the email was so lovely and understanding and I know they wouldn't have meant it like that. They'd be really upset to think it made me feel like that

I think whoever said it earlier hit the nail on the head that 90% of people really don't mean to upset with their comments, they just have foot in mouth disease.

I know when DH and I lost #1, we were the ones saying 'just wasn't meant to be, something must have been wrong'. A few people made the same comments.
But come around to #3 & #4 miscarriage, when someone said that to me I would just say "Nah, that's a load of crap. Maybe for the first m/c, it is easier to think that but when you've have 3 or 4, you just think life is completely unfair".

I am quite a passive person so personally I wouldn't use them as I'd hate to make someone else upset even IF they've just upset me. I just try to remember that they didn't mean it how I took it.

However I think these responses are gold, I really do.
for all those who have had shitty comments made.

Hi, all

I'm new to the Forum but not new to pregnancy loss, so have heard all these comments at one stage or another.

I have a couple more to add - "You just have to see this as a blip" (after I lost my 3rd). Oh, do I really?

"At least now you can be referred for tests" (after I lost my 4th). Oh, great!

Your comments/replies made me smile when I really needed it.

NonB

Lovely son followed by
ruptured ectopic pregnancy + 3 miscarriages

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn't really a baby.
1. If it wasn't a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn't see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it's not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more/you were under too much stress.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn't do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer s common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Any comment response:
1. I'm sure you're saying that because you are trying to make me feel better, and I do appreciate the intention. But if you really want to help, please understand that you can't make the death of my baby better. What would be great is if you look at it like any other death, and just give me sympathy.
2. Thanks for trying to comfort me - but when you say my baby wasn't meant to be [or other coment] you are making my baby less than - not a real loss - minimising the loss. I need you to realise that my baby wasn't less than. My baby was everything.

A D&C is just like an abortion...
1. They're about the same as the New Zealand police force and al quaeda.
2. They're about the same as you and people with actual feelings.
3. The procedures resemble each other in as much as you resemble a person with a heart.
4. My baby died despite my deepest desire. I would have given anything to keep my baby, but here I am with empty arms and an empty belly. This was not something I chose. How could you presume to make that comparison when I am grieving my baby.
5. What a poisonous thing to say.

You should be grateful you already have a child / at least its not so hard because you already have a child.
1. You have two parents - would it be "easier" if one of them passed because you have a back-up?
2. My grief over loosing a baby is quite separate to the love I have for my living child.
3. Its not about being grateful for what I do have (which I am) its about being sad about what I have lost.
4. Children aren't interchangeable. They're unique and precious every one. Every child deserves love. I loved my unborn baby, and because I loved my baby I mourn his/her death.
5. Having a child already makes me acutely aware of just what I have lost.

You just have to see this as a blip.
1. My baby was not a blip.
2. Oh - good idea, then perhaps I wont be so upset I'm sitting here with empty arms and another miscarriage to chalk up to experience.
3. Thanks all the same, but I'd rather grieve the loss of my baby.

At least now you can be referred for tests.
1. Oh good a little ray of sunshine in this trainwreck of a situation.
2. I know you mean well, but that isn't really a silver lining on this particular cloud. Getting some answers is not a consolation prize for loosing another baby.
3. Don't you mean "sorry you lost your baby"?
4. You're right... getting those tests are accurately described as "least" right now.
5. You know what? Looking on the bright side, counting my blessings, trying not to think about it or any of the other well intentioned comments I've had are not going to help get me "over" this. Consider if you will, telling a widow that at least her husband will be autopsied so she can find out why he died... yeah not so important in the scheme of things. I know this makes you uncomfortable - my baby wasn't real to you. I don't ask that you be sad or mourn my baby's loss... but please do me the courtesy of allowing me my grief.

Vista - my MiL said "isn't that a nuisance" when I lost Mac, and I was really really upset about it. I mean, a NUISANCE???!!! Then my FiL was diagnosed with cancer and she said "isn't that a nuisance", and my mum's best friend was in her last days with cancer and she said "isn't that a nuisance". I have actually suggested that DH say something to her about how it seems insensitive, as I have learned now that it is just what she says, but for people that hear it just once, she must seem like such an insensitive biartch.

What I would like an answer to, and I'm sure plenty of other people would too, is an answer to those questions you get when suffering from infertility or losses: e.g. "when are you going to have a brother/sister for DD/DS?", or "when are you guys reproducing?" To people that haven't suffered from infertility or loss (like me a year ago), it seems like an innocent question, not meant to be insensitive.

I did have one person ask, after I lost Mac (they didn't know), when we were going to give DD a sibling, and I just said that we were trying, and it's not always that easy.

DH and I have recently become friends with a couple who say that they are not going to have children, and DH just automatically assumed that they didn't want them. I pointed out that maybe they couldn't have them, and it was something they really struggled with, and the easiest way for them to explain it is just to say they're not having kids. The guy mentioned it to DH very soon after they met, with no prompting, and I do wonder if they use it as a preemptive strike before they are asked.

Heidi when people ask me when are we going to have another one I always answer "when god blesses us with another child"

people always seem to nod and say "yeah" (in a very deep thoughtful way )

seems to avoid the whole thing I find

I had a close relative calling me "miss fertility" because the pregnancy (I lost) happened during the month she 'couldn't' get pregnant??

and others saying "ther was probably something wrong with it..."

:-(

????

I feel very sad for everyone else going thru this...++ cry ++

My most recent was this week when I told my sister that my hcg levels are not good so we'll be losing this baby too.

"Good to know I guess?" Meaning that it is better to know early than to not know. Hmmm, although I know she means well, I think she should just not look for a silver-lining in this crap situation!

Heidi - my FIL referred to my ectopic as my "little hiccup" and hasn't referred to either m/c.

Ironically I got the "at least you can get pregnant" line from the specialist at the recurrent m/c clinic yesterday. In a way he is right, 'cos I first saw him in Sept last year when the one pregnancy we'd hand in the period of trying (since DS) was the ectopic and was having trouble getting pregnant.

i got the 'but it wasnt a baby' line
my response, before crying was 'only a baby makes a pink line and your heart grow wings'.
he didnt know quite where to look.
of course thinking about it now, it wasnt a very good comeback

Charlie, I think anything that would make someone think twice about saying the same thing again is a good comeback! (which what you said would as it sounds as though it made him quite uncomfortable )

So, it was my first day back at work on Tuesday. I was all prepared for people to say insensitive comments (had looked at this list beforehand to prepare ) What I wasn't prepared for was for no one to say anything, at all, about what had happened!

I'd hardly walked through the door when I was just bombarded by people talking AT me about completely random crap (parties, hang overs, agendas, conferences, so and sos not in today so can you do this, christmas decorations, etc), talking about anything other than what had happened. Not even 'I'm so sorry to hear your news'. I was so upset, I just sat at my desk and cried (I had my back to them.) I just thought 'OMG, my baby's just died and it's like it never even happened'. Luckily one woman noticed me crying (she's had 2 miscarriages so could understand) and took me off to a meeting room and we had a hug and chatted. Even after that STILL no one said anything

I guess it's hard for people to know what to say and they probably didn't want to say the wrong thing or for me to get upset. Inadvertantly though, by saying nothing, I felt much more hurt

As an infertile person, everyday innocent questions can really strike pain into your heart. (And of course now, after miscarriage, they'll hurt even more!) You know, when you meet someone at a party and they ask if you've got kids. Or those busybody types at work who think they've got the right to interogate you about when you're going to have babies and warn you not to leave it too late and joke that now your sister's had a baby surely you'll start to get clucky soon

Something I've learnt through this journey is to never ask anyone about their plans around having babies (unless they tell you of course!) as you just don't know their story and the resulting pain that such a simple question can cause.

When anyone asks me the question I always keep it vague, 'we're just waiting to see what happens' or something similar. When I'm feeling down or angry I feel like just telling it like it is and see what they say then!

Oh Vista I really understood your comments about how you felt when nobody made any reference to your lose on going back to work. I had a similar experience (not at work but with family) and no one wanted to bring it up. I think it actually made me feel more upset than if it was mentioned and it also made me feel like they were talking about me behind my back (paranoia at its best).
I have also been on the end of the 'when are you going to have children' and 'dont leave it too long after thirty your fertility ......' comments. I have always waited for people to tell me if they want to talk about their plans as I know how I felt with these questions even before all of this experience. My mum asked me the 'when are you going to have children' question one day during the time when I was starting to believe perhaps it would never happen for me and my answer was 'do you realise that 1 in 5 woman will have fertility problems', she was quite floored and said that she hadnt realised it was so high.
So many times I have wanted to have the quick comeback for those insensitive comments but they will probably always stay in my head as I dont want to hurt someone else or to have others think I am weak (not quite the word I am looking for ...)

Unfortunately I too can relate to this thread - especially VISTA and JAY_M's experiences. My in-laws have said NOTHING to me at all about the miscarriage. DH went to see them once we knew for sure and i expected a phone call at least to say they were sad for us. I still can't believe it and feel very negative towards them at the moment!

My boss at work said "I thought as much" and "life's shitty sometimes isn't it".

The only people who understand are the ones that have been through it I guess.

Vista - I had the same at work. While in one way I was grateful there weren't the insensitive comments, and I didn't have to try not to bawl if anyone did say anything, it was still pretty rough. I worked with all guys though, and I think they just didn't know what to say or thought it was a no-go subject. My boss was great though, and just asked me if I was OK and left it at that.

I HATE people asking if we are having any more kids. Now I just say no. Then they don't ask again.

I also find it hard when people say things like "do you have just the 2". I don't want to be overdramatic, but I also don't feel right totally ignoring the 3 before my 2 kids. So I tend to say yes, we have 2 children, and we lost 3 to miscarriage". I should have a 5 year old in 10 days time.

I got some new ones today

- Try not to worry about it too much
- Be positive

Both of which made me want to scream!

Oh NonB - I had a midwife tell me that several times when I was carrying Nina. I was too polite (I actually think me being brutal would have saved some other woman her tripe) but wanted to say "OOoooooh... thanks! Why didn't I think of that!? Here I am spending all this time worrying about carrying this baby after nine miscarriages, when the whole time all I had to do was NOT worry! Goodness. Silly me. Well I'll be off to "not worry" then - you know you should write a book."

I stopped seeing her, and went back to my gorgeous lovely OB who didnt' invalidate my feelings LOL!

NonB I heard the try not to worry about it too much comment (during or after my first m/c - I cant remember) and I remember thinking Oh My God, what the hell. As for be positive, how are you supposed to manage that one?

I have just come across this site. I had my 3rd miscarrage in December and have heard it all!

The best comment mad to my DP from a friend of his was "no wonder she lost it if she was stressed" HELLO!!!! Charming small minded little man he is.

Another I got from my cousin is that she has just lost her job "so knows exactly how I feel" *cough cough* Really??? This put me into stunned silence for quite some time!

Actually I could go on for ages, another cousin (who was happily 7 months preganant at the time) said, you can't count the first MC as it was such a long time ago!

I have been totally surprised at the lack of support from friends and family this time around, it doesn't even get a mention. Hello people, I was pregnant, I did lose a baby and my god, yes I am hurting, more than you can imagine!

I love some of these answers to comments made by people "who are totally clueless" I want to print them out and give them out to random, stupid insensitive people!

Grrrrr, rant rant rant.

Hugs to everyone, lets honor our babies, no one else does

A xx

3 x mc
June 99
June 09
December 09

I'm so sorry to hear some of the things you have all been through and what's been said...

I don't know whether you will believe me or not, but this happened to me...after what I thought was a routine scan at 12 weeks in Sept 06, I was told the baby had died. I had taken time off work to have the scan, so returned to work (not knowing what else to do) feeling extremely numb and disorientated...

My boss asked me what happened and I told her, her response was:
"oh, so next thing you'll been needing more time off to get it scraped out"

I still hate her guts for saying that and still working there as haven't been able to find another job...

Oh my god. Mrs Chrissie that is horrific. You should have reported her. That is such a revolting thing to say that she should have been disciplined. Hugs for you I dont know how you dont hit her every time you see her.

The thing is, I was in too much of a distressed state at the time, for the comment to really register, and as it happened, I did need to take a few days sick leave after that, by the next week, I still couldn't believe what was said but didn't know what to do about it.

I still really eats away at me though, the day I do resign, I think I will tell her exactly how that made me feel...

MrsChrissie! Unbelievable. I hope you do give it to her with both barrels

OMG Mrs Christie ... to you, what an insensitive cow!

I actually read this thread today (hadn't seen it before) and felt myself getting very emotional. After having had a few miscarriages under my belt now, I have at some point had MOST of these if not all, things said to me ... if only I had of been so quick witted enough to think about some of these wonderful answers you ladies have listed and blardy well LET THEM HAVE IT! I especially luv the one "at least you know you can get pregnant" which is now becoming, as you can imagine, tiring to hear.

Basically to sum it up. People who have not been thru the trauma of a miscarrage just plain don't understand ... just don't get it! They just can't imagine anything that does not happen to them. My mother always told me that if you don't have anything decent to say to someone, just simply don't say it.

And on TTC ... One woman, who has several children to a previous relationship and who is currently TTC with a new partner said her journey of TTC was 'just like mine, she 'knew how I felt' ... she likened it to the fact that because she did not have children to her current partner, it was as if it was her FIRST time trying too! Don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what that journey is all about.

People can be a little insensitive.

to everyone ... cos we need them. to all.

She sounds absolutely vile. It never fails to amaze me how insensitive people can be.

My mother has never had a MC and had no sympathy for me at all after my MC or my Ectopic. (a ton of insensitive remarks) But I totally lost the plot when my sister who had ALWAYS said she did not want children and made horribly remarks about how my reflux baby smelt of vomit and was totally disgusting accidentally fell pregnant, had a stress free pregnancy, had a home birth and called my mother to tell her between birth and delivery of the placenta (She lives in the UK) I was so livid with jealousy, my sister and I have never got along but it felt like she stole my dreams from me.

Not sure how to get past that. I feel so petty that I can't.

dont feel petty clem
when i lost mine mid last year, my sister was midway through sticking it to me that she had a 6month old and 15 month old. the thing that got me so much, was the fact she drank and smoked her way through both pregnancies, and yet it went mostly well for her.
she was 4 days overdue with the first.

second one was delivered early.

Mrschrissie.... Let rip the day you leave that employment!! She's a nasty piece of work!!

A very good and lovely friend sent me a nice card. All except the part. One day there will be a silver lining to this.
I forgave her insensitivity cause she was trying to be nice and the rest of the card was. I wonder what silver lining could come from a miscarriage?
Maybe she meant one day I'll have another baby, and if I didn't lose this one, I wouldn't have had the "replacement" one??
.... and when I was in hospital about to have the DnC a nurse said the famous "you get pregnant easy enough".
..... and the sister who said "it could be worse, you could have cancer, or your kids could have been interferred with" OMG!! That was the day before the DnC.
Then after the DnC she said "it's just like an abortion - same thing".I can now almost laugh out loud at the bunch of morons!! Yeah I can LOL

I finally had the courage to respond and confront someone lately.

I had a chat with another mum while I was waiting for my son to get out of school. She complained that she was sooo bussy with her 2 children and stated that I was lucky to have only one.
I replied that I would have loved to have another one and that I lossed 4 through MC.

She deflated and mumbled something about that it was good to have 2 and disappeared in the crowd.

I'm finally able to respond without braking into tears!

The whole "you're so lucky just having one" really annoys me too. I get so tempted to say, "well, I didn't have a choice, but you did, so stop complaining". My current one is "I don't have just one child, I have four, the but the other three died before they were born". Probably gets the point across better, but doesn't sound quite as snarky.

I really like those responses Atlanta and loss4times. There is something so profoundly sad in your current one Atlanta - I'm picking that they never say "you're lucky you only have one" to anyone ever again. I was in the same boat after DS1, and I wish that I'd been clever enough to think up that simple little phrase. Its so poignant.

I couldn't believe it when cozyno4 told me the other day that this woman told her she would regret it if she had another child. At the time the woman was standing there holding one of her brand new twin grandchildren! Cozy has had one m/c and two ectopics since her last DS.

My doctor told me that I had "dodge a bullet" , I wish I had had something to say to that! I was in shock.

That is incredibly insensitive, not to mention crass. I guess come backs would depend on what your relationship is like with this doctor...

"no I lost a baby"
"pardon me for not finding the bright side in the death of my baby"
"you can't make me feel better about my miscarriage by telling me my baby wasn't perfect"

or when stuck for words "what a horrible thing to say about my baby" accompanied by a hurt look works well.

The thing is doctors need to be reminded that this was a life that was lost... not just a random bunch of cells. This was a little life that you LOVED that was lost... not a bullet, or a tumour, or a deformity. Doctors are obligated to be compassionate - ethically. That was a very misguided thing your doctor said Cindyloo - I'm sorry

Hi everyone

Just miscarried for 3rd time in a year...I'm 42...my favourite insensitive comment is "well maybe it's just your body telling you that you're too old"

My new husband and I desperately want a child together and know better than anyone that my biological clock is ticking by...don't need reminding!

Thanks Country mum!

Fplus4 - thats a terrible thing for someone to say to you!

People can be so cruel.

The other line I've started using is "I'm just going to give you a minute to think about what you just said and then we can start this conversation again".

I just had a D&C for a missed miscarriage. I was ten weeks gestational age, but the baby was small and dead.

I am so very glad that this has happened now and not in 36 weeks time. Yes I am sad to see this baby die and watch all our hopes go with it but our expectations would have been so much greater later on.

All I want at the end of a pregnancy is a healthy baby that will grow up to be a strong, healthy, independent adult. That's all that anybody can wish for.

There was something wrong with the baby that I had growing in me two weeks ago. I am sad about that, down right pissed off about it actually, but I have to get right on with living cause shaking my fists at nature is just going to give me sore arms.

My baby was meant to be, for 10 weeks anyway. After that it wasn't.

I'm sorry if this sounds wrong to many of you but it's what I believe. I got pregnant, it didn't happen, life comes and goes, I'm still here, DH is still here, let's keep going.

Victoria Jane - its great that you feel able to move on after your miscarriage, and are able to be so pragmatic about the loss. Speaking personally - my babies died perfect, but because my bodies immune system attacked them. They were lost after multiple attempts at IVF. Each loss was the death of a little piece of hope, and little piece of my future. I didn't see my babies as a bunch of cells never meant to be. They were a whole lot more than that. I wasn't able to be so pragmatic about my losses as you. There was a process of grieving, which included the 5 stage, which includes anger. Shaking your fist at nature isn't for everyone, but it is a natural part of the grieving process that some of us need to go through. And this site is about supporting the women who are struggling to get through that process without the luxury of our culture recognising the loss.

"At least you know you can get pregnant, so you can just try again."

This came from the 5th year medical student who came to ask for a history and permission to be present at my D&C. I have just finished telling her about our history of infertility, how our only hope was the donor embryos we adopted. I guess she did not listen to the history she asked for.

My great grandfather had a great comeback for rude people. He would give them some change and say it is the prize for the rudest client he has ever served. Too bad I spent all my money on my treatment/drugs! Maybe I could give them a pessary and say it is the prize for the most insensitive person I have spoken to today?

And that person is going to be let loose on the general populace!

It sucks to be on the receiving end of a comment like that.

I'm not excusing insensitivity, but I think it is hard to understand the emotional toll that years of fertility treatment and mcs can take. Some medical students & doctors would naturally empathise and think hard about what they said, just cos they are that sort of person, whereas for others it does not come naturally. They almost all feel that they have to say something in response to you, though, and it seems to me that is when the inappropriate comments happen - when they mean well, but just have no idea what the right thing to say is. I try to remember that they generally do mean to comfort me, even if they haven't a clue how, and that just like their medical skills, empathy is something they have to learn.

Of course, I've never yet been in quite the right frame of mind at the time to be the one to teach them how their insensitive comment made me feel! But I'm sure there'll be another opportunity.

I havn't had a miscarriage myself but I have been involved in a fair bit of research on the topic. In terms of the medical professions's responses to miscarriage it has been said that they may appear insensitive and unempathetic as TO THEM miscarriage is a very common, non-life threatening (for the mother) occurrence. They may also think that miscarriage is a non-event because it occurs so early on in the pregnancy, before you are apparently even really aware you are pregnant.

As a psychology student it is my opinion that doctors are often trained to believe that emotions and empathy are for nurses and mental health workers to deal with. It's a very sad attitude.

Well done chick98 for trying to correct that medical student. And to BritishLass, one of my major career goals as a psychologist is to work to educate the medical professions on the emotional reality of miscarriage. What you have all mentioned here is too common and it needs to stop.

sbar, have you spoken with vonney? She occaisonally does lectures for the med school. MSA developed much of what is taught there about the emotional fall out from mc... unfortunately that hour or two doesn't seem to make much of an impression over six years.

I get what you're saying, but I don't think it was about it being percieved as a minor event. Chick98 had just given a history to the doctor explaining male and female primary infertility. The use of a doner embryo (MUCH more complex than a doner egg) neccesitating counselling, ECART, IVF drugs etc. The point of it was NO, she couldn't get pregnant again. The doctor was either stupid or not listening. Certainly the comment wasn't at all respectful.

well I think that Vonney and Sbar must be doing some good out there , from a person who had two mc's and opted for two different medical procedures in hospital (2008) I was definitely treated with empathy and respect. Yes some of the doctors were more distant but I don't recall anyone dismissing my loss , the nurses however were amazing , one rubbed my shoulder - that's all, but it meant the world to me at the time. Others stayed in the room with me and just listened .So keep up the good work ladies, it is working .

Chick98 I think that what you experienced is terrible , I'd like to think that that idiot walked out of the room absolutely kicking themselves once they realised what they had said . I think it was a standard/routine response to a non-standard situation .

I just needed to vent and I felt this would be a safe place to do so. Whenever I get upset about not being able to have a baby, or in the last week, about losing my little miracle, I end up feeling like I have to apologise for my feelings.

In all of this, I just need to sometimes be able to speak my mind without feeling scared about upsetting others. I know they don't mean to be insensitive, that they mean well and that afterwards they may feel bad about what they have said. But that does not make their comments hurt any less.

sbar182, I did not try to correct anyone. I knew that student was overwhelmed and panicked, then said the first thing that popped into her head. It hurt like hell, but I wasn't going to make the situation harder for myself, for her, or for my husband. It helps to have an anonymous forum where you can vent, where you can type the rude/inappropriate/hurtful response without actually having to say it out loud to that person.

I hope this forum will remain a place where women can come and find support from others who have been there because I know there may be many more insensitive comments to deal with in the future, and I might need to come back here for my own sanity!

Of course chick98! And you're right - regardless of intent, those comments hurt. And given some time and distance you can rationalise them for yourself. But at the time you just need someone to be on your side, understand your feelings, and join you there for a moment so you're not alone in them.

After reading this thread I'm trying to think of what others have said to me that has been the 'right' thing to say. The doctor I spoke to at A&E yesterday was really good, but it wasn't so much the exact words he used as the way he listened to me attentively, showing obvious sympathy in his face. The Ob I saw in Rarotonga the day before was initially friggin horrible - seemed most concerned about not saying anything that would allow us to sue her - but when I broke down and sobbed she rubbed my arms and that was good; it's amazing how much can be conveyed through touch.

Would everyone agree that a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' accompanied by either a shoulder squeeze or hug if appropriate, and eye contact, is kind of the 'right' thing? I mean the right thing for someone who hasn't personally lost a baby to say - obviously for us mums who have lost babies it's a bit different because we can offer understanding that others can't (hey - maybe that's the 'silver lining'!?!?)

Hmm just reading through what I just posted and thinking it looks a bit preachy? Didn't want to try to be all holier-than-thou over others who have posted with the friggin horrible comments they've had thrown at them so thoughtlessly. The boss who said - I don't want to repeat it, it's too horrible - I have no words! All I can think of is how great it would be to engineer a situation where you can slap her really really hard.

If there is any 'silver lining' to suffering the loss of a precious baby, then it's that I believe we become more compassionate towards others as a result.

Its so nice of you to want to find the silver lining

I think everybody is different about when they're ready to look at what they have, rather than what they've lost. It happens for most of us eventually, but it's different for everyone.

Personally, any form of sympathy (ie. acknowledging there has been a loss and it's painful) would be fine. It is the "chin up, it aint so bad" comments that are inappropriate. For instance, you'd never say to a grieving widow "Hmm it was for the best, after all your husband was clearly defective" or "At least you know you can attract a man". Those comments minimise the loss, and deny you the right to grieve (although the people delivering them don't realise that).

i had miscarriage before this one lost it at 7 weeks, was told not by medical staff must have been a phantom pregnancy, how would you respond to this?

I've been wondering something similar - some of the comments I've had from medical professionals have seemed very insensitive. My first midwife hadn't heard the term 'chemical pregnancy' and because she hadn't heard of it, simply brushed it off as though I'd made it up (I later changed midwives). Then in hospital miscarrying last month, the ob kept referring to my baby as 'conceptual matter'.

For some time afterwards I very cynically came up with ideas for greeting cards that medical professionals could send out. Like, instead of 'Congratulations on the birth of your baby', they could give a card that said 'Congratulations on the vaginal discharge of your conceptual matter'...

Its absolutely ridiculous the stuff you hear about medical professionals or medical students saying, it's actually scary...

further to my comments earlier in this thread, the situation at my work has gone from bad to worse and its likely to go to mediation next week, I am going to get it all on the table, I'm taking a huge risk but my boss isn't going to come off well...

SisterMidnight - I'm so glad to hear that you're pulling up your friggin awful evil manager. Hope they fry her!

Best of luck for mediation. I imagine it will be tough to discuss such an emotional topic in an objective way. Don't feel bad if you need to cry, and remember that whatever the outcome, you're doing a positive thing by challenging her behaviour.

I once took a bullying manager to mediation after she'd made my life hell for six months. Nothing got resolved, but I had wicked PMT that day, and told her to her face exactly what I thought of her - and I felt heaps better for it even though nothing really changed at work.

Sister Midnight - how did you get on with your work? Did it go to mediation?

I got this comment from an insensitive doctor directed to my husband while she was performing the necesscary internal after a misscarriage....'I bet your enjoying this'

My reply to the phantom pregnancy comment would have been I guess your qualifications are all in your head to!

OMG Michelle! That is highly inappropriate, and bordering on sexual harrassment I would have thought (given her comment was a reference to girl on girl action turning on your husband, which essentialy sexualises the internal she's performing on you). Totally inappropriate!

OMG alright! Extremely inappropriate. I would be putting a complaint in writing asap.

I wish I did complain. It was 12 years ago now and we were quite young. We both got straight away that she was refering to the girl on girl. Part of me wishes I had booted her with my foot but I burst into tears as soon as she left the room instead. It was overall a horrible time made worse by a horrible doctor.

When I had my next child both my husband and I were very cautious (same hospital). I spent the night only because my son was born late. I was made to pee into a bedpan with her watching because the nurse didnt believe me that I had passed urine. My husband walked in the door the next morning bright and early and we packed up in a hurry and left. I still had my lure in and we had to walk for ages as my husband wasnt expecting me to come home that day and had managed to find the park that was the most furthurest away.

Sometimes people dont think before they speak and their unthoughtful comments can cause deep scars.

That sucks Michelle. I have had shoddy hospital experiences too, and you are right that they can cause deep scars.

Oh gee, I am so grateful, THANK YOU all for warning me about what was coming. Knowing what to expect in the way of comments from others when I got back to work has truly helped me get through day 1 back at work without ripping anyone's head off.

A new one to me: 'The first one's only a practice' Honestly, where do they get this BS?????

so sorry Michelle, that was a truly disgusting remark to make...

and yeah, blofish, that comment was absolutely ridiculous as well, some people clearly dont get it...

it did, HR dept backpeddalled like you wouldn't believe, they want to cover their own butts as well, they ended up offering to pay for some life coaching and all sorts of other stuff, but they want to protect the manager as well...

I just so want out of there now... I just need another job to come through for me...

I got a new one today... After the usual 'when's he getting a little brother or sister' I explained that we'd just lost our little one - to which I got the reply "you need to eat more fish".

I can't say I managed to come up with any response at all.

Michelle - if that doctor is still practicing at your hospital, then I'd recommend making a complaint even though it was 12 years ago. You deserve an apology at the very least.

Yeah, UNBELIEVABLE what some people say. Really no idea at all about miscarriages and also how you are feeling. I have had so many people say 'oh well, rest up next time.... My own mother said, maybe you should stop work next time you get pregnant. (I DON'T EVEN HAVE A STRESSFUL JOB!!!) It really feels like it puts the blame on you when people say that, it really makes you feel like you caused it. Which I know is not true. Aaaaaaaagh!
I love those comeback comments - you guys are on to it!! x

Hi there, after reading Pleaseonemore, thought i would add ... My Mum said recently "at least you have one" and of course I am very grateful to have my son, but I wanted to say "how would you feel if you only had my big brother?" (and not me and my younger brother)

It is so true that only people who have suffered through losing babies and hopes and dreams can really understand.

Wow, Read some of your comments.
I have never lost a baby and couldn't possibly know how it feels.
I have to admit in the past (when I was under 20) I use to say, "at least you know you can conceive" I am very sorry for ever saying that as now I realise how insensitive it really was. It was meant as support (silly what us people that have no clue say)
My friends daughter lost her baby at 16 weeks a month ago. I wrote her a letter on fb and told her, "no one can ever say they know how you feel because they are not you" "if you wnat to scream scream, if you want to be happy be happy, it's your emotions no one can tell you not to feel them for as long as you want!"
She was so sweet and said it was exactly what she wanted to hear.
I am very sorry for any of you that have suffered the loss of a child and am so grateful to read these posts and get a real view of what to say and what not to say, even if I was only trying to be a good friend all those years ago.

I get that one! And I have lost five...some people only hear about one loss and say oh it was a practice. Someone knew I'd lost five and said I was practicing....ummmmm most people don't have these 'practices' and five practices I don't think so!

Wow, I cant believe how common these comments are!! Iv had most of them also. One of my bestfriends said the worst... (because im younger im sure people think It shouldnt matter to me as much as others) "Are you glad your not pregnant anymore? You must be because at least you can drink on new years!!" I couldnt believe it! And alot of people who knew I was pregnant and realised I wasnt anymore would say "oh so you had an abortion?" It hurts more when people who are pregnant themselves make these kind of comments and constantly complain about being tierd and wishing it was over etc... at least their baby is healthy and they know they will be able to hold theirs!!

Some people are just sooooooo insensitive!

In response to SisterMidnight - Your boss is a total (insert word inappropriate for this site here)! When I first found out I was pregnant I told my boss as i was not very well and needed some time off - he told me to toughen up and that women go through pregnancies all over the world everyday ... I let that one slide as a mere male comment.. When I told him I had to go in for a urgent scan because some thing might be wrong with baby and all he had to say was "can you make sure you come back after!" I mean REALLY! what a dick!

Since having my op (twice as they didn't do it properly the first time) I went back to work on Tuesday - Boss ignored me all day and then I was advised that I wasn't getting paid any bereavement leave either.. as you can imagine, I am now looking for a new job! Going through what we are all going through really makes you look at things in your life differently and re evaluate what is really important...

Good luck with your job hunt SisterMidnight!

Oh and yes - the "at least you know you can get pregnant" comment is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo patronising!!

Hugs to all x

This is a very good thread. If the forum had reputation, I'd have added a few to everyone here.

I know several women who have had m/c. I didn't speak much to them about it because really, there are no words that will bring comfort. Only time can help one accept such a loss. When I was pregnant with my first baby and doing baby shopping, one of the sales girls came up to me and we got chatting, and she told me that she'd lost her baby in a m/c at around mid-term. My initial reaction was to be flustered, and then massive guilt because here I was complaining about my awful pregnancy (and it really was awful - morning sickness all day every day sucks) with my huge belly, and here this poor lady was who would have probably clobbered me over the head for not realising how lucky I was to even have a pregnancy to complain about. So, that made me look at life in a whole new light, and it taught me compassion.

Having a m/c is exactly the same as losing an already living child. It's just made that tad bit worse because you don't have memories to recollect about your angel, all you have is the knowledge that you had a baby that you'll never get to meet. A lot of people are ignorant about this topic, and all I've ever said to those who try to 'preach' or 'motivate' about how my friends should deal with it, is that they shouldn't talk about things they don't understand.

I don't know, personally, how it feels to have a m/c, but I have a fair idea of the grief it causes, and my heart hurts for every mommy in this thread and every angel that's been taken away. I can't imagine the pain ever gets better, but keep strong because I'm sure as all of you know in your heart of hearts, you're all wonderful mothers, THE best mothers for your children, and no one and nothing can ever take that fact away from you or your babies.

Thanks so much for those words, its really reassuring when someone "gets" it!

Supermom.... you are right... "It's just made that tad bit worse because you don't have memories to recollect about your angel" .... i have been saying that i would kill for a week, a month with my daughter! It gives you something to share your loss... yes it may be harder cause you lose their giggle, touch, etc but others experienced that too and so they share in your loss and your grief, but when you lose "a pregnancy" you are on your own.

The worst comment I got when I lost Angela at 20 weeks was my sister saying "I had 2 miscarriages, get over it"

still fuming at that one!

The other week after I returned from work after my first (and I hope only) miscarriage, I had a woman at work, who has two kids, say to me "Don't worry, you'll be laughing by the third one" She obviously saw the look of horror on my face and quickly added "...well, not really" I couldn't believe it, especially considering the nature of her comment presumably meant she'd had multiple miscarriages in the past herself??

It's hard when someone who should know better says these things. I put it down to the assumption their own experience was met with discomfort, platitudes and inappropriate comments. And so they suppressed their feelings as being precious or over-reacting, and then actively minimise other women's loss. They laugh at it because they're too afraid what it will mean if they cry.

I think under those circumstances it's perfectly o.k. to look with sympathy at them and kindly say "it sounds like you've lost more than one baby. That must have been really hard. I know how devastating loosing this baby has been for me."

That way you might just be giving someone who really needs it, permission to grieve. And you might also find yourself an source of support. At the very least, you're letting them know that this isn't a laughing matter for you.

I have a pretty quick temper about these things. The only insensitive comment towards my loss was actually said to my dad. We had already announced that we were going to have a baby, and my dad said it from the pulpit. When I came to stay with them, they made sure that they told a few people so I wouldn't get congrats for my now not coming baby.

Some stiff old lady replied, "Well, there must be a reason." My dad said, "Of course there was a reason, but that doesn't stop the pain. It still hurts. Just say sorry if you must say something."

People die of cancer every day and the response is never, "There must be a reason." How hard is it to just say, "I'm so sorry."

When people act socially retarded like that, I feel like I need to teach them the proper way to respond (like I did when I taught high school). If some one ever gives me a comment like any of the above, I'll simply say, "Comments like that are hurtful and minimize my loss. Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the best thing to do." They will probably be embarrassed, but they should.

Good on you tiredwalker!! If we say nothing, then nothing will ever change! And give your dad a hug from all us ladies on here.... what a star for his response!

Recently someone said to me after knowing I had lost 2 babies... "you are sure you want one of these [holding her 4 month old], they are expensive and tiring". Having read up some O for awesome infertility comments I was armed with this beauty ...

"If your mother had died in an awful accident would it be ok to say to you "well at least you do not have to buy mother's day presents anymore?""


People would never say the stuff they do if it had been our mother or brother or sister who had died. There would have been a funeral they would know how to behave appropriately what to say, they would send a card or flowers, and you would remember the person who had lived.

My grandparents died in the last year and the grief was big, as they were the only ones I had known, but I realised the grief for my 2 lost babies was even greater. And then I thought about why this was and I have come to the conclusion we grieve the much wanted life that was inside of us, we grieve not having seen what our child would look like, not ever seeing them smile or hearing them laugh. And nothearing the words "mummy I love you".

We grieve the life that was inside of us and the life we know they will never have. It is death to our hopes and dreams as well as our precious bub. For others our bub was not tangible and real, they were a positive pregnancy test, a scan with a heartbeat/no heartbeat... but for us they were an intregal part of us from the minute we found out we were pregnant. They were at the forefront of our minds, we decided whether or not to cross a road or take a risk at the traffic lights, what to eat or not to eat, we rubbed our bellys and we loved them. We saw the look on our DP and DH's faces when we told them we were pregnant and had conversations about saving money and taking time off work. We told our parents and siblings. We began making a place for our babies in our relationship and home.

We lost a whole lot more than people realise. And we so have the right to grieve.

Why can some people just not say what they are thinking????

Was talking to my Aunt the other day and she is one of a handful of people that know my history with Miscarriage....when I said I'd lost another one she followed on with "Darling you just aren't meant to have babies" Well thank you very much

Because of that comment now I'm struggling to believe that one day I will have a baby....

Sorry for the rant, its just not a happy day in me today

Hi, all. I haven't posted on here for ages but have been reading the posts. Just thought I'd add another.

A while ago I rang a private clinic to book a nuchal scan and was asked my medical history. I said I'd had 5 pregnancies - a healthy boy, 3 miscarriages and was about to add an ectopic when the person on the other end of the phone interrupted and said "a termination!" I couldn't believe how insensitive she was to make that assumption! Grrr!

hi was just reading through these comments, they are helpful I'm sure I have had almost all of them.

Also the other day I thought I would tell a good friend of mine what had happened (she didn't know we were preg, but knew we had been trying for almost 2years), her comment was "oh oops false alarm".... I was speechless. I wish I had said, It was NOT A FALSE ALARM my baby was alive, it had finger prints, a heartbeat, and I loved it, I planned for it, I had already imagined holding it in my arms, the first smiles, the first everything and now its gone, and I am empty, another mother without her baby.

Hi...I'm new to the forum but yep, i've had some clangers as well.
Worse one was a woman I didn't even know started chatting to me about my daughter shortly after I'd lost my 3rd baby at 12 weeks. She was pushing on and on "you better get on and give your daughter a sibling...great to have kids close in age....your wee girl would love a wee brother or sister...." and eventually I had enough and replied " we'd love to have another baby but unfortunately they all keep DYING." the look on her face was priceless, she tried a back peddle...." oh but that myst have been a while ago" so I said " no, they last one died 3 weeks ago. Any other feet you want to put in your mouth?"

I'm not normally so rude but man it felt good! She couldnt get away fast enough

Me personally I don't like nobody mentioning it at all, people who know but are afraid to talk about it.. it bothers me a lot.

Witchy - I was like that with my first few miscarriages. I think I felt ashamed or maybe a failure. It did feel like a guilty secret to me. It's taken me a lot of years and a lot of miscarriages to get past that. It's o.k. not to want to talk about it. It's o.k. to go into a bubble for a while. Just give yourself permission to grieve. It can be hard, because of the social pressure to be over it, and the unexpected depth of feeling. Kia kaha.

CM - I believe Witchy means that she doesn't like it when nobody mentions her loss.

(I did read it like you at first - the old double negative - but I know that Witchy is more eloquent than that)

Thanks Hi Ho Ho Ho... I guess its the same sentiment, but for others though re: the pervasive feeling of it being somehow shameful or a failure. I think miscarriage is a feminist issue that remains largely undealt with in our culture.

Hello girls,
I have lost my first baby 17 days ago, I can't describe how much I wanted this baby. Yes, I have been told "well, maybe something was wrong with it", "maybe it was the best" "you can get another one" "at least you know you can get pregnant" "it's not a big deal" among other comments that just break my heart even more because I dont care if something was wrong I'm the mother I'll deal with it, maybe the best?? the best for whom??? how come a death can be the best??!! I can get another one... yeah sure.. I was trying to get a candy right? it's MY baby! not a candy!, yeah I know I can get pregnant that's OUT OF QUESTION!, isn't it a big deal?? maybe to you, this baby means THE WORLD to me.
I know they are all trying to help, the father of my baby is not with me because I decided to make a trip overseas (right after landing is when I've found out that I was pregnant so that changed the whole trip into a baby clothing shopping trip) and now I'm just waiting to go back home with the father of my baby.
My whole life has changed and I really don't know how to move on...I wish I would

Monica79- nothing really to say, but i am so sorry you are going through this hard time at the moment, especially right on christmas its just not fair, and people can be so insensitive, even though they are trying to be supportive. just didnt want to read and run, and send you all a big x x x

wow, reading these posts i cant believe poeple can be so insensitive..i am so sorry for your losses..i have lost one and coming to terms with it is difficult...i remmebrr thinking when i found out that i just wanted to pretend the passed 12 weeks never happened and move on and then ofcourse i saw my little one when i delivered him/her and they were just perfect..we have a right to grieve for the baby/babies we have lost..
love to all
xx

Over Christmas I've been reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", by Harold Kushner, and I've found it quite helpful to help me take some of the sting out of the things people say (let's face it, we've all got enough going on already without dealing with them as well) - I thought I'd mention it here in case anyone else might also find it helpful. It is very much about God and the Bible - Kushner is a rabbi - but I don't believe in the Christian/Jewish God, and I've found a lot of what he has to say, even though he puts it in a Bible context, very interesting and helpful to think about.

There's a lot in there about the things that people say to you when trying to comfort you in hard times, and how they're really not that helpful - which is why I thought I'd mention it here. In particular from page 88...

Actually, maybe it should be compulsory reading for the people who make those stupid comments

Hi MillyP

I'd be interested to read that book, thanks for mentioning it. You’re spot on in saying that we've all got enough going on already without trying to handle and process people’s silly comments. After a nice quiet two week break resting my soul over Christmas, I came back to work on Monday only to hear some more of those fabulous thoughts and opinions! Great stuff it was. My mind was still battling with it last night. Anyway, thanks for telling us about the book, I’m going to look out for it

that book sounds good! SunnyGirl, that has beent eh hardest part for me, is coming back to work when i thought that the distraction would be great! i work in a day care so children everywhere, (my son comes with me which is great,he is 3 and half) but so many babies!!! and ofcourse the comments, that just keep coming. one of my work mates was so upset that she said, "you wouldnt tell someone who's brother had died that your story was worse because yours died a certain way" and that was so true. a lady at work was comparing how much worse it was for her daughter because of when her miscarriage happened and hers as well.. and she just kept saying, it's so common. and i told her that it doesnt make it that much less painful because it's common...
not happy!

The one that really pees me off the most is: "If you just relax and not think about babies and being pregnant, you will become pregnant - I know sooo many people that has happened to. You should take a holiday to Rarotonga and just relax for a week, then you'll probably get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. If you think about it too much and get too stressed about it, it won't happen" Why did I have a miscarriage then?! - coz when I was pregnant, I was the happiest most content person on the planet!!
Things just happen when they happen, for no reason. It’s like having a disease where you can be in remission and have random relapses – you can change your diet, take vitamins, never have a glass of wine and then go for ages with no relapses, but maybe it’s just because the disease wasn’t going to give you a relapse at that point in time.
People’s comments seriously just blow me away sometimes. Especially when they tell them to you so matter-of-factly, like they are some expert.
GRRR.
PS: I got that book MillyP, and it is good read, thanks

I get that one all the time, too, SunnyGirl. I feel like saying to them, "I get pregnant at the drop of a hat, I've just had six months off work, maybe it's comments like THAT that are causing our miscarriages???"

I've just got a chant in my head now "Ignore them, they think they're helping, ignore them..."

Glad you're enjoying the book too