Here are a few ideas on how to respond to some of those insensitive comments people can make when they hear you have had a miscarriage. Please feel free to add your own replies, as well as comments people have made to you.

At least you know you can conceive
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.

It was probably for the best
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.

It wasn’t really a baby
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.

You can try again/you can have another one
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.

And another pet hate of mine, now that I have my gorgeous boys:

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was natures way of telling you something was wrong....

What was meant to be was meant to be...

I never had any comebacks for these

Linbrusco, it sucks what people say eh.

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed mor.e
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.

Gosh, I only found out I lost my baby 2 days ago and I've already had some of these comments, or variants of them!

But then it makes me feel sad and guilty, because I know the person that said them cares about me deeply and is very upset themselves. I think they just didn't know what to say and were desperately trying to say something to try and see some positives for the future

Hi, yep I had them from my specialist today in my "confirmation scan" before they took me off my meds to m/c naturally.
Just what you need to hear!

O.k. I've added a few on to Kims beautifully written post. I've just tacked on a few sarcastic remarks to cater for every mood

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer s common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Oh man, how I wish I had this post 6 weeks ago!

Especially your sarky ones CountryMum. The comments are SO hurtful there were many times when I wanted to hurt that person right back.

Thanks Country Mum, they are awesome!

Hugs everyone who is dealing with this. Vista - don't feel guilty - there are "gentle" ways to let people know it's not acceptable to say some of the things they say. And even the more sarky replies to people who mean well can be well taken - because it jerks them into realising a wee bit about what you are going through. (Plus they generally excuse sarky remarks given what has happened ).

At least you know you can conceive.
1. Being able to conceive a baby is no consolation when it does not result in a live baby.
2. I tried to become pregnant to have a baby, not to see if I could conceive.
3. I know you're trying to look on the bright side, but I'd prefer it if you'd respect my loss, and let me be sad.

It was probably for the best.
1. How could the loss of my baby be for the best? (Any more than a newborn, toddler, adult, grandparent etc).
2. My baby was much wanted, and much loved. It was not for the best.
3. Sorry - I must have misheard, because I know you'd never suggest how the death of my baby is a good thing.

There must have been something wrong with it.
1. Even if we knew that this was the case, it is no consolation for losing our baby.
2. There is generally something wrong with everyone who dies. That doesn't make those left behind feel any better.

It wasn’t really a baby.
1. If it wasn’t a baby, then what was it?
2. We conceived our baby with love, we were excited and made plans for our baby, and we enjoyed the progress of my pregnancy. We just lost our baby.
3. Our baby had fingers and toes, and a heartbeat. Just because you couldn’t see our baby, does not mean that our baby did not exist.
4. It is not the length of a pregnancy that determines the grief of losing a baby. It is the loss of our baby, and our hopes and dreams for our family.
5. What a horrendous thing to say!
6. Is that supposed to make me feel better? You're actually making me feel worse. I think you should shut up now.

You can try again/you can have another one.
1. At the moment I am grieving the loss of my baby, and it’s not appropriate to think that I can replace what I have lost with another.
2. I wanted THAT baby.
3. Because life isn't precious, and people are replaceable?

Next time you will have to take things easier/you should have relaxed more.
1. Nothing that I did, or didn’t do, affected the life of my baby.
2. My baby was well protected and well looked after by me and my body; I did not cause the death of my baby.
3. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my pregnancy.
4. Right. because jumping up and down causes miscarriage, and weeing after sex is a good contraceptive. Old wives tales are not helpful thank you.

Are you going to try for a girl/boy?
1. No, if we try again, it will be for a healthy baby
2. No, after having gone through miscarriage, all I want is a healthy live baby - the sex does not matter

It was nature's way of telling you something was wrong.
1. Even if it happened because something was "wrong", that does not make our loss any easier.
2. Is that supposed to make me grieve my loss any less?
3. You've just decribed most deaths. Yet its o.k. for people to mourn a death, and you might like to extend me the same courtesy.

What was meant to be, was meant to be.
1. What was MEANT to be, was that I delivered a healthy baby at term.
2. No, this was not meant to happen. I was not meant to lose my baby.
3. Who gave you the right to decide that my babies death was meant to be? Did I blink and miss your deification?
4. I hope you don't say that at funerals.

Maybe you're not mean to be a mother (particularly around ART pregnancies)
1. Maybe you and I aren't meant to be friends.
2. And Nia Glassy's mother was?
3. Do you really think our lives are predetermined? I'm what I make myself, and I was a mother the minute I got pregnant.
4. I am a mother, but my baby was born into heaven.

Miscarriages are very common, and most women will experience one.
1. Cancer s common, but that doesn't make it any easier to bare.

Any comment response:
1. I'm sure you're saying that because you are trying to make me feel better, and I do appreciate the intention. But if you really want to help, please understand that you can't make the death of my baby better. What would be great is if you look at it like any other death, and just give me sympathy.
2. Thanks for trying to comfort me - but when you say my baby wasn't meant to be [or other coment] you are making my baby less than - not a real loss - minimising the loss. I need you to realise that my baby wasn't less than. My baby was everything.

I have a few to add:

a D&C is just like an abortion
(is sitting there jaw dropped an answer enough)

also, that if I have another m/c in the future it won't be so bad as I have DS now

answers please.....:)


also Vista, I am so sorry for your loss.

A D&C is just like an abortion...
1. They're about the same as the New Zealand police force and al quaeda.
2. They're about the same as you and people with actual feelings.
3. The procedures resemble each other in as much as you resemble a person with a heart.
4. My baby died despite my deepest desire. I would have given anything to keep my baby, but here I am with empty arms and an empty belly. This was not something I chose. How could you presume to make that comparison when I am grieving my baby.
4. What a poisonous thing to say.

You should be grateful you already have a child / at least its not so hard because you already have a child.
1. You have two parents - would it be "easier" if one of them passed because you have a back-up?
2. My grief over loosing a baby is quite separate to the love I have for my living child.
3. Its not about being grateful for what I do have (which I am) its about being sad about what I have lost.
4. Children aren't interchangeable. They're unique and precious every one. Every child deserves love. I loved my unborn baby, and because I loved my baby I mourn his/her death.
5. Having a child already makes me acutely aware of just what I have lost.

O.k. there is a start... but PLEASE don't tell me you've had the first comment!

It has been really good to read these come backs. I so wish I had thought of these come backs after my m/c's (especially the first m/c), even if they had just sat in my brain as 'comfort' (cant think of the actual word I want) for me.

Country Mum yes I have - while waiting for my D&C and got told not to worry about the procedure. From a very close family member, who was in their way trying to make things better. (??? I know). I directed them to the m/c support website and they felt horrible after they read it and understood, which helped a lot.

(Country Mum, I assume you have figured out I used to be Poppie I outed myself a while ago in the introductions thread in OT)

No - I hadn't figured it out, but I'm glad you're still here. I felt dreadful for you and Daffodil

These are awesome and I too wish I had these comebacks for my two m/c's. I reckon I got over 90% of these "trying to make me feel better" comments.

Sadly the only people who seem to understand are the ones who have been through it.

The one I have heard a fair bit recently after a MC at 6 weeks post IVF "Oh well most people wouldnt have even known they were pregnant" WTF... I *DID* know. I worked my arse off to get there! I injected myself 43 times, had 12 bloodtests, 4 internal scans and two surgical procedures to be PREGNANT. I damn well KNEW I was pregnant! Also one I cant get my head around "high miscarriage rates in IVF just evens it out to the 25% chance of getting pregnant naturally" What does that even mean??

Thanks for such eloquent responses, I will be using them ALL in future.

Country Mum, I was Poppie then Daffodil I think you mean Cocobean. Anyway lovely to see you

It means that they are ignorant ...who the hell would even say such a thing - unbelievable???? Most insensitive comments are just off the cuff - not well thought out - but those comments have obviously had some thought and they still thought it was ok to make them???

I can't believe what some people say. Well, actually, unfortunately I can as I have been on the end of some shockers.

The ones that I felt really hurtful were:

'you lost your fourth baby now because you have too much stress about your break up with your mother'
By a doctor who saw me for the first time and had no idea how much stress being in touch with my family ment for me in the past, and how peaceful my live is now. And he was also completely ignorant to the fact that it actually was a chromosomal disorder for this baby that caused his death. I was speechless.

'You have to try again.' just 2 weeks after my MC when a colleague asked me if I would try again and my answer was 'I don't know.'