Recently someone said to me after knowing I had lost 2 babies... "you are sure you want one of these [holding her 4 month old], they are expensive and tiring". Having read up some O for awesome infertility comments I was armed with this beauty ...

"If your mother had died in an awful accident would it be ok to say to you "well at least you do not have to buy mother's day presents anymore?""


People would never say the stuff they do if it had been our mother or brother or sister who had died. There would have been a funeral they would know how to behave appropriately what to say, they would send a card or flowers, and you would remember the person who had lived.

My grandparents died in the last year and the grief was big, as they were the only ones I had known, but I realised the grief for my 2 lost babies was even greater. And then I thought about why this was and I have come to the conclusion we grieve the much wanted life that was inside of us, we grieve not having seen what our child would look like, not ever seeing them smile or hearing them laugh. And nothearing the words "mummy I love you".

We grieve the life that was inside of us and the life we know they will never have. It is death to our hopes and dreams as well as our precious bub. For others our bub was not tangible and real, they were a positive pregnancy test, a scan with a heartbeat/no heartbeat... but for us they were an intregal part of us from the minute we found out we were pregnant. They were at the forefront of our minds, we decided whether or not to cross a road or take a risk at the traffic lights, what to eat or not to eat, we rubbed our bellys and we loved them. We saw the look on our DP and DH's faces when we told them we were pregnant and had conversations about saving money and taking time off work. We told our parents and siblings. We began making a place for our babies in our relationship and home.

We lost a whole lot more than people realise. And we so have the right to grieve.

Why can some people just not say what they are thinking????

Was talking to my Aunt the other day and she is one of a handful of people that know my history with Miscarriage....when I said I'd lost another one she followed on with "Darling you just aren't meant to have babies" Well thank you very much

Because of that comment now I'm struggling to believe that one day I will have a baby....

Sorry for the rant, its just not a happy day in me today

Hi, all. I haven't posted on here for ages but have been reading the posts. Just thought I'd add another.

A while ago I rang a private clinic to book a nuchal scan and was asked my medical history. I said I'd had 5 pregnancies - a healthy boy, 3 miscarriages and was about to add an ectopic when the person on the other end of the phone interrupted and said "a termination!" I couldn't believe how insensitive she was to make that assumption! Grrr!

hi was just reading through these comments, they are helpful I'm sure I have had almost all of them.

Also the other day I thought I would tell a good friend of mine what had happened (she didn't know we were preg, but knew we had been trying for almost 2years), her comment was "oh oops false alarm".... I was speechless. I wish I had said, It was NOT A FALSE ALARM my baby was alive, it had finger prints, a heartbeat, and I loved it, I planned for it, I had already imagined holding it in my arms, the first smiles, the first everything and now its gone, and I am empty, another mother without her baby.

Hi...I'm new to the forum but yep, i've had some clangers as well.
Worse one was a woman I didn't even know started chatting to me about my daughter shortly after I'd lost my 3rd baby at 12 weeks. She was pushing on and on "you better get on and give your daughter a sibling...great to have kids close in age....your wee girl would love a wee brother or sister...." and eventually I had enough and replied " we'd love to have another baby but unfortunately they all keep DYING." the look on her face was priceless, she tried a back peddle...." oh but that myst have been a while ago" so I said " no, they last one died 3 weeks ago. Any other feet you want to put in your mouth?"

I'm not normally so rude but man it felt good! She couldnt get away fast enough

Me personally I don't like nobody mentioning it at all, people who know but are afraid to talk about it.. it bothers me a lot.

Witchy - I was like that with my first few miscarriages. I think I felt ashamed or maybe a failure. It did feel like a guilty secret to me. It's taken me a lot of years and a lot of miscarriages to get past that. It's o.k. not to want to talk about it. It's o.k. to go into a bubble for a while. Just give yourself permission to grieve. It can be hard, because of the social pressure to be over it, and the unexpected depth of feeling. Kia kaha.

CM - I believe Witchy means that she doesn't like it when nobody mentions her loss.

(I did read it like you at first - the old double negative - but I know that Witchy is more eloquent than that)

Thanks Hi Ho Ho Ho... I guess its the same sentiment, but for others though re: the pervasive feeling of it being somehow shameful or a failure. I think miscarriage is a feminist issue that remains largely undealt with in our culture.

Hello girls,
I have lost my first baby 17 days ago, I can't describe how much I wanted this baby. Yes, I have been told "well, maybe something was wrong with it", "maybe it was the best" "you can get another one" "at least you know you can get pregnant" "it's not a big deal" among other comments that just break my heart even more because I dont care if something was wrong I'm the mother I'll deal with it, maybe the best?? the best for whom??? how come a death can be the best??!! I can get another one... yeah sure.. I was trying to get a candy right? it's MY baby! not a candy!, yeah I know I can get pregnant that's OUT OF QUESTION!, isn't it a big deal?? maybe to you, this baby means THE WORLD to me.
I know they are all trying to help, the father of my baby is not with me because I decided to make a trip overseas (right after landing is when I've found out that I was pregnant so that changed the whole trip into a baby clothing shopping trip) and now I'm just waiting to go back home with the father of my baby.
My whole life has changed and I really don't know how to move on...I wish I would

Monica79- nothing really to say, but i am so sorry you are going through this hard time at the moment, especially right on christmas its just not fair, and people can be so insensitive, even though they are trying to be supportive. just didnt want to read and run, and send you all a big x x x

wow, reading these posts i cant believe poeple can be so insensitive..i am so sorry for your losses..i have lost one and coming to terms with it is difficult...i remmebrr thinking when i found out that i just wanted to pretend the passed 12 weeks never happened and move on and then ofcourse i saw my little one when i delivered him/her and they were just perfect..we have a right to grieve for the baby/babies we have lost..
love to all
xx

Over Christmas I've been reading "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", by Harold Kushner, and I've found it quite helpful to help me take some of the sting out of the things people say (let's face it, we've all got enough going on already without dealing with them as well) - I thought I'd mention it here in case anyone else might also find it helpful. It is very much about God and the Bible - Kushner is a rabbi - but I don't believe in the Christian/Jewish God, and I've found a lot of what he has to say, even though he puts it in a Bible context, very interesting and helpful to think about.

There's a lot in there about the things that people say to you when trying to comfort you in hard times, and how they're really not that helpful - which is why I thought I'd mention it here. In particular from page 88...

Actually, maybe it should be compulsory reading for the people who make those stupid comments

Hi MillyP

I'd be interested to read that book, thanks for mentioning it. You’re spot on in saying that we've all got enough going on already without trying to handle and process people’s silly comments. After a nice quiet two week break resting my soul over Christmas, I came back to work on Monday only to hear some more of those fabulous thoughts and opinions! Great stuff it was. My mind was still battling with it last night. Anyway, thanks for telling us about the book, I’m going to look out for it

that book sounds good! SunnyGirl, that has beent eh hardest part for me, is coming back to work when i thought that the distraction would be great! i work in a day care so children everywhere, (my son comes with me which is great,he is 3 and half) but so many babies!!! and ofcourse the comments, that just keep coming. one of my work mates was so upset that she said, "you wouldnt tell someone who's brother had died that your story was worse because yours died a certain way" and that was so true. a lady at work was comparing how much worse it was for her daughter because of when her miscarriage happened and hers as well.. and she just kept saying, it's so common. and i told her that it doesnt make it that much less painful because it's common...
not happy!

The one that really pees me off the most is: "If you just relax and not think about babies and being pregnant, you will become pregnant - I know sooo many people that has happened to. You should take a holiday to Rarotonga and just relax for a week, then you'll probably get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. If you think about it too much and get too stressed about it, it won't happen" Why did I have a miscarriage then?! - coz when I was pregnant, I was the happiest most content person on the planet!!
Things just happen when they happen, for no reason. It’s like having a disease where you can be in remission and have random relapses – you can change your diet, take vitamins, never have a glass of wine and then go for ages with no relapses, but maybe it’s just because the disease wasn’t going to give you a relapse at that point in time.
People’s comments seriously just blow me away sometimes. Especially when they tell them to you so matter-of-factly, like they are some expert.
GRRR.
PS: I got that book MillyP, and it is good read, thanks

I get that one all the time, too, SunnyGirl. I feel like saying to them, "I get pregnant at the drop of a hat, I've just had six months off work, maybe it's comments like THAT that are causing our miscarriages???"

I've just got a chant in my head now "Ignore them, they think they're helping, ignore them..."

Glad you're enjoying the book too